Here it is again: Confession

I think I have posted about this before. I have this friend, she is really religious. Fine. But, she is not just religious for herself and her family, she pushes it greatly on others.

I too am religious, I'm Catholic. But, I don't go to confession and likely never will. I don't really believe in it. I think that if I feel that I have done something that I'm not proud of, I will "confess" in my own home, on my own time, by talking to God, in a sense.

But today, I get a phone call from my friend. She was telling me that Jesus came to her in her prayers last night and told her that if I want to have a healthy pregnancy, I need to go to Mass and I need to go to confession, often. I need to ask for forgiveness and then...only then...I will have a healthy pregnancy.

Forgiveness for what? I am a good person. I do good things for people. I love myself and my family. I don't over indulge myself or my family. I try to help as many people as I can. So what do I need forgiveness for to allow me to have a healthy pregnancy?

I don't believe that God decided that I didn't deserve a healthy baby. I did feel that way for a while. I asked, often, what I did that I was being punished for. I know now that this isn't a punishment, it's just...I'm not sure what word or phrase to use here, bad luck, I guess.

I guess some could say it's a test of faith, if I continue to come back then I am faithful, I still believe. I can say now, that I do believe there is a God, I believe that God is what you want them to be. If it makes you feel at peace praying to someone, then that is what it's for. If you feel better looking for a reason things happen, then I guess that is what it's there for. But, I won't believe that God has taken 4 babies from me because I didn't confess my sins.

Suicide and gossip

A friend of ours tried to commit suicide a couple of weeks ago, she had a husband and three small children. She jumped from a bridge that is relatively low and did not die. Instead she suffered for weeks, she had liver laseration and was bleeding internally. She was paralyzed and suffered. I can't imagine the pain that she was in before making this decision. I don't think this is a decision taken lightly by anyone. How could it be. Especially if you are a Mother and a Wife. She died a week ago.

She was a kind woman, one who always considered other people before herself, she always had a smile on her face and often asked if "I needed any help" And, her family loved her. That is really all I need to know. I don't need to know why she did it or why she was so sad. That part is over now, sadly though, people like to gossip. We live in a smaller town and this has been the story for everyone to talk about.

I brought my daughter to a birthday party yesterday and while I was there, I was attacked with gossip. The conversation began.

"did you hear about the woman....."

I reply "yes, I knew her"

"I can't believe what she did, how disgusting, selfish....."

I reply "Well, since I don't know how she was feeling at the moment that things happened, I can't speculate why she did what she did. I just know that she was a kind person, who loved her family"

"well, I don't get it, I mean"

I reply "I guess it really isn't for us to get, she has a family and they would be heartbroken if they knew people were saying these things about her"

This is where the conversation turned, I was shocked it turned this way and am still shocked.

"well, last year when I met you, you were distant and withdrawn, never really talked to anyone. I figured you were depressed, then I found out......what happened to you......and I got why you were that way. But, you, you didn't kill yourself, why didn't you, but she did. And, you don't want to judge her?"

I reply "no, I don't." I explained that I had a lot of support and worked through things, but I didn't have any depression before our losing Zoe and our twins. I was shocked she said those things and walked away after. And, I have to be completely honest, I'm fairly sure that the reason why I was withdrawn and didn't talk to her much was because I thought she was a Bitch. I was right, she is a Bitch, a judgmental Bitch.

I will not understand or try to find answers as to why this happened, all I know is that she must have been in a really bad place and I hope that know she has found peace. I also know that she has a family who is trying to pick themselves up and to have gossip like that floating around, it isn't helping anyone.

Zoe

I have nothing to say

currently. Maybe soon.

All about Paige

My sweet little Paige had her 5th birthday last week! It's hard to believe that it's been 5 years since we welcomed our dark haired, blue eyed little girl.

I was induced with Paige at 38 weeks after a few weeks of early labor. My labor was not long, about 10 hours, I tried going without an epidural but 15 minutes before pushing, I was asking for one! Once I got it, it was time to go! I pushed for about 20 minutes and our sweet girl had arrived. Her big sister was the first to meet her, what an amazing thing that was to see!

Now, she has graduated preschool and is going into Kindergarten in the fall. She is adorable, kind and so smart. Here are a few photos through the years.

Ouch

that's how I'm feeling right now. A little hurt, a little left out of things, I hate feeling this way. I suppose it's part of life at all times and just something that needs to be dealt with. Maybe I need to lay low for a bit and try to not be upset about things.

Remembering you, sweet girl

I will never, ever forget this day. I wish I could have held you if even for a moment. I know though that I am so blessed to have had you as long as I did. I miss you more than I will ever be able to show. Love you Zoe.

Yesterday

I posted yesterday about being sad because today was the day everything started. I was wrong. Yes, wrong about the day that I found out my little girl no longer had a heartbeat. I found out because I was looking through some old emails/messages and saw the dates.

I am shocked with myself to say the least. I am so disappointed in myself as a person and as a Mother. I am unsure how you forget a thing like that. On May 15th, my appt was at 1:45, at 2:35 I found out that our little girl had passed away. Yesterday I was at a baby shower, that started at 2:30, I was crying at the beginning and needed to leave for a little while, I guess that is the only blessing here, had I remembered that yesterday was the day, I would have never, ever made it through the shower.

I always count the 19th as the day that we lost Zoe because I carried her until that day. But, I am still so upset with myself that I had my days mixed up, I don't know how anyone could do that.

May 15, 2009

This day last year is one that I will never forget. I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I had been woken up because I dreamt that I went to my appointment and that Zoe was no longer alive. I remember being panicked, I was hysterically crying. I just had an awful feeling and I knew that she was not ok. I laid down on the bathroom floor and tried to find her heartbeat with the doppler. It, of course, was not there.

I was sobbing and begged God to let her be ok, I kept telling myself that I just wasn't doing something right, or maybe she was moving too much. I knew all of that wasn't true because I hadn't felt her move either, and I should have. I laid there on the floor crying for the next hour, continuing to say "please, God, just let her be ok" over and over. I finally fell back asleep early that morning, around 5 or so, the 16th began a whole other day of heartbreak.

We've got some cross hairs

I actually have a good feeling about this cycle. I'm not sure why, but I do. It will likely come back to bite me in the butt, but for now I'm just going to soak up the good feeling. Here's my chart!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day, this year especially, is bitter sweet for me. I am extremely blessed with my three wonderful children, who light up everyday of my life. But, I am also aching for the four children whom I never got to meet. This time last year, I was in the middle of a rough pregnancy, a scary pregnancy but I smiled on Mother's Day knowing that there was a little life growing inside of me. I had no idea that just days later she would no longer be there and that I would lose two more babies just months after that.

While I know that I am "one of the lucky ones" who has children, I still struggle everyday with the thought that I will never add another child to our family. Fulfill my children's hope to have another sibling and my husbands hope to have another baby.

Today is heartbreaking for so many, remember all of the Mom's who are not holding their children today because there are many of them, they are sitting next to you in church or walking past you in the store. Give them a smile and brighten their day, understand even if for one second why they feel the way that they do and understand that they too ARE Mother's.

Happy Mother's Day!

Making a little girls birthday special again.

This year I want to make Paige's birthday a special one. Last year just 7 days before her birthday she found out that her little sister had died. Just the day before her birthday I had just gotten out of the hospital because of problems that I was having.

I remember her birthday so well last year. I remember her continuing to ask why her sister wasn't in my tummy any more. I remember her asking if I still loved the baby or was that why she left. I remember her asking why I was sad. I remember her asking why she couldn't have her a big birthday party. I remember the entire family talking about how hard this will be on them.

This year I want her birthday to be special, it's just 3 weeks away now. That's hard to believe. We are going to go to a local tea parlor and have a tea party with her friends! I know that she doesn't remember that she lost her sister near her birthday. But, I will never forget, because I lost one daughter and disappointed another. I hope this birthday is a special one.

An unpopular opinion, I'm sure

I frequent a few message boards and consistency you always see is the following comments regarding pregnancy loss:

"God chose for this to happen"

"God saw that your weren't ready and took the baby"

"God took the baby because you wouldn't have wanted a baby with problems"

"The Lord wanted it that way"

"He will decide when the time is right, we have no control over that"

Ok, so I believe in God, after everything that happened last year, I will admit I had a very hard time going back to church. I didn't go for a very long time because I was angry. I had that thought that I must have done something wrong in life for this to have happened to me. I was in a sense being punished for my "sins".

I have since then realized that that, is ridiculous. I get angry when someone tells me that God was the one that decided I shouldn't have my children. Why would someone who is supposed to be wonderful, look out for people and performed miracles(by the bible) chose to break someone so badly by taking their child from them. I cannot accept that as any kind of answer for anything.

If God didn't want me to have Zoe, why take her half way through the pregnancy, why not just stop it before it happened. If he didn't want me to have my twins and our other angel, why allow me to become pregnant in the first place just to break my heart 8 weeks later.

For anyone who is really religious and believes all of these things, it does not help a grieving Mother if you tell her that God didn't think she was ready. It makes her question herself, her life, her love and her faith. Why add more heartbreak to an already terrible situation?

Due date

Today is my due date with our twins. I know that I would have had them by now and I wonder how life would have been with them here. They were with me for such a short amount of time and I missed out on everything in the pregnancy.

It's hard to believe so much time has passed. I miss them.

I do find a little comfort that they have a sister and another angel sibling to be with, since I can not be.

Generosity

For the last six weeks or so we have been doing fundraising for our March of Dimes walk. For the last six weeks or so, I have been completely overwhelmed and amazed by the wonderful comments, supportive thoughts and prayers and the generosity of our family and friends.

We could have never imagined that we would surpass our goal of $1500, but we have. It is because of amazing people that I met on this journey four years ago, and because of family who were there with us during our most difficult year.

We will never be able to show or tell anyone how much we appreciate all of the support that we have received. I can only hope that I have done only a fraction for you all that you have done for me the last few weeks.

Again, thank you so much for your generosity. You will all be in our thoughts tomorrow when we walk for our sweet girl Zoe and all of your babies who were born early. The babies who are thriving today and the babies who are bouncing with Zoe in the clouds. Thank you....from the bottom of my heart.

Strangest, Grossest pregnancy announcement

via Facebook, of course. This may be because I am jaded and grumpy right now, but here is a pregnancy announcement.....this was the day she got the BFP.

So from the due date calculator online it looks like we are do christmas day, which is perfect since we conceived on easter, lol... so we fertilized my easter egg and will be giving the gift of life for christmas!

So, is this me being a little crabby or is this too much informations and slightly strange?

Competition

I wish I knew why people had to make everything in life a competition. It's really getting difficult for me to deal with. Many of the things that I have been doing have been for Zoe, for my children, for Dave and for myself. It's a healing process for all of us. I know that it isn't going to make things easy, but it certainly makes it easier.

Here's the thing, you don't want to be me, you don't want to deal with the things that I have dealt with the last two years. I wouldn't change my life at all, but it has been a daily struggle to go on and to understand why all of these things were happening.

Please understand I know how blessed we are, we are so happy for the blessings we have received. But, for someone to follow in every foot step and want to do every.single.thing. I do, it's too much. And to compare your situation to mine is wrong, it can't be compared, ever. I don't have my daughter, I didn't get the chance to hold her. I don't know if this is easier, I don't want to know, all I know is that there is no comparison. I have not had a baby early and seen the struggles they go through, but you have never had to decide what to do with your childs ashes.

I just would like a little break, please.

Onto cycle 3 or 17

Cycle number 2 was also a bust. I'm completely bummed, or angry whichever you want to use. So today started a new one, hopefully this month brings me something good. Thanks for all of the support so far, I appreciate it more than you know.

Are you worried about the society

in which your children are being raised in?

Raise.your.hands.

That was the question raised by our Priest at the First Communion, Jesus Day today. There were many people that raised their hands. Then it was opened up for feedback.

Here are the reasons people are upset with society.

"My child is disrespectful"

"My child only thinks about what he/she needs"

"Every song and TV show is focused on sex"

"children are mean to one another"

There were many more that were said, but these were the ones that stood out to me. The Priest commented on all of the examples listed. He told us that that is why it is so important that we come to Mass and instill morals in our children and families. Come weekly and it is the only way that your children will not be bogged down by society.

I disagreed with most of these examples. I too, raised my hand. But, not for these reasons.

I feel like society is a bad place because of the parents not being parents, which in turn causes children who are disrespectful. Parents a lot of times are not interested in disciplining their children. I have been to public play places and there are children who will pounce all over mine and their parents say absolutely nothing. So, if you are not going to instill these things.....respect, thinking of others, then they aren't going to do it. If there is sex in every TV show and song, I must be missing it because I don't see that to be the case.

disappointed in myself

I have never really been a person who is bothered by other pregnant women. Even when I have been going through the things that I have. But, lately the feeling is overwhelming. I love hearing of other peoples pregnancies, I am genuinely excited for them and will tell them so. But after, I feel broken.

Then there is the guilt from feeling broken. Do I really have a right to feel that way? I mean I do have children so is it right of me to even think that way? I hate feeling broken, it isn't me, but I have changed so much in the last year.

I feel discouraged right now, I didn't even have that bad of an appt yesterday, but hearing that there was another fibroid, I will be honest, scares me. They told me they would come back, I had no idea it would be as quickly as it was.

I don't mean this like I don't want to hear about all of your pregnancies, because I do, I love it actually. I just need to work through this and I'll be fine. Thank you for listening.

Doctor appointment update

I had my annual appt today, along with a hey...what is going on with my crappy body appt.

It was quite eventful. While sitting in the waiting room, there was a girl....she was 18. She asked how old I was, so after replying, I returned the question.....thus, her being 18. And, good news, I DO NOT look 30!!! I look to be her age and in high school! Then she asked why I was there, I told her it was my annual, I didn't think she wanted the entire history of me losing several pregnancies. She told me of her Mom who had a baby 4 years ago, she called her from the hospital and told her she had a baby. She never knew she was pregnant.....insane, so strange.

I was finally called in after my 20 minute convo with the girl in the waiting room. The nurse do the usual, BP, urine dip, weight. Then, are you ready for it?......................................

"So, how's the baby?"

me....."uh, blablablablabla....the baby? I lost the baby"

her...."oh, so sorry, I didn't read the chart, I just saw the u/s pictures, so sorry, oh no" "but, you are doing ok emotionally, right?!

me......"uh, yeah, I'm fine" what I was thinking....I was doing ok, until you just asked me how my baby was that isn't with me.

Doc comes in, thank god for him because he is a nice normal guy, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't go there.

So here's the appt update. I have another fibroid, it isn't large, about 2 cm. His hope and thought right now is that it won't interfere with anything. There, of course, is a chance that it will grow and probably will with a pregnancy. But, it isn't near the birth canal or any where near the size the other one was so those are both good things. If I do become pregnant again I do have to have a c-section. With the size of the incisions, especially the internal one there is a high risk of uterine rupture and the baby would not survive, that is all I needed to hear. He said that I will likely be scheduled at least 3 weeks before my edd, maybe 4 weeks.

He thinks the reason for the heavy bleeding may be the progesterone or that in combo with the heavy bleeding that I have always had. So, I can keep taking it at 3 dpo or I can start if I get a BFP. I'm not sure which I will do yet.

I may just see him instead of going to the RE first, I am more comfortable with him and he agreed to see me once a week, even twice if I wanted. There is nothing they(either of them) can do if I am going to lose the baby and it really is just for monitoring, so I may do that. But, I'm not sure yet.

He also said he thinks there are pregnancies in my future.........

An updated chart

I'm not putting a whole lot of warrant into this because of the progesterone. But, I do like what it looks like and I am hoping that it's something. We will see, just a few more days!

Ten things you might not know about me

I have seen this going around friends blogs, so I thought I would take a stab at it.

* When I was younger, I used to be a pitcher for a softball team, I was really good, but often got hurt. One that really sticks out in my mind is getting a line drive to the mouth.

*I will do anything for anyone, anything. If I can do it, it's yours.

*I try to be the kindest person I can be, I don't like to see people hurting and will do anything within my power to make that better.

*My husband is the only man I have ever kissed.

*When I was in Junior High School I was in a Show Choir..........I can sing, but I am the most uncoordinated dancer, ever.

*I am terribly insecure about most everything about myself.

*I wanted to be a chef and was accepted to culinary school, but my parents didn't want me going away.

*I cannot go in tight spaces, even elevators, I start to panic.

*My good friend in high school hated me when I started dating Dave and made my life a living hell. I worry about my daughters and mean girls.

*Being pregnant again scares me....alot.

Do you feel like you know me better now?!? :)

"Best" friends

Recently, especially over the last year or so this term has meant very little to me. I have a "best" friend. One that I would do anything for, and do. I have done more things than I can count, but for me it's worth it because after all, she is my "best" friend.

But, a "best" friend relationship should go both ways, shouldn't it? It started when I had Xander and she did not come to the hospital because she didn't want to bother me. So I sat by myself most of the time because I had other children who needed Daddy. I was really hurt and upset by that but I got over.

Then I lost Zoe, hands down the worst year of my life. I needed support and love from everywhere, especially my "best" friend. So we have our March for Babies walk coming up in the next couple of weeks. She hasn't signed up to walk with me, so I asked her if she was going to walk.

She told me she didn't think so..........yes, she said probably not. She doesn't know if she has the time. She doesn't know if her husband will want to do it because he won't be able to run. I read this as, she isn't going to be there to support me. This may be wrong of me, this may be selfish of me to expect her there. But, I do. I expect her there. I think that is what friends are supposed to do for each other. I don't really care if her husband wants to or not, she should come on her own.

So, just venting I guess, I wish that she would be there, but I am sort of feeling now that I don't want her there. If she doesn't think it's important then maybe I don't need her.

The stomach flu

It's an awful, awful thing! Friday Sadie started with it, it then progressed to Paige...then to Dave....then to Xander. I got relatively lucky, just a little tummy ickiness. Now, holy moly, I feel so sick. Luckily with everyone else it seemed to be a 12 hour thing, I can only hope that is what this is as well.

This cycle

I know that everyone is so interested in my charts....so here it is :). I ovulated early this month, I think. Even with our flu stricken household we suffered :P through! So I hope our timing hits, though I'm slightly concerned, we'll see!

March of Dimes

So far we are doing a wonderful job raising money for the March of Dimes. We would love to have more people come out and walk with us and if you are able to donate to our walk as well. We are currently waiting to hear back from a couple of local companies about corporate sponsorship. One said they are voting today on it and we will hear back from them tomorrow. I'm so excited that they are considering us, but very nervous as well! Please keep your fingers crossed that we will receive the sponsorship.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?SeId=1385270

A few rough weeks

The next few weeks that are coming are going to be rough ones for me. I realized today, because of things that are coming up that this time last year I had a nurse coming to the house to get me set up with an IV. I remember that day so well, I remember being scared to death and then being relieved that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Soon, my loss date will be here, it's a day that I completely dread. The days leading up to the day I was in the hospital were full of things. We went to Paige's preschool graduation and to Paige's school picnic. All of these things are coming up again and are huge reminders of everything that happened with Zoe the year before.

I hope that I can make it through with minor set backs, maybe the dread of the day is worse than the bite.

Bye bye, cycle number one

Hello cycle number two. So, yes this wasn't "the" cycle. I was so hopeful and wished that it would have been, but alas, it wasn't. So onto try number two or try number 16 if you start all over before my pregnancy with Zoe.

I haven't even been doing this very long and I already feel broken. I guess I was hoping that I would have my surgery and my ute would love me again and I would magically be pregnant. Guess what, life doesn't work that way!

So, here we go again!

Charts and Progesterone

My chart was updating on the other post...I don't know how, but it isn't anymore. So I thought I would let you all see my chart..if you are interested.

I am taking progesterone and I don't know how that effects temps. Maybe not at all. I am extremely tired, maybe from the pro? So, just a few more days and I'll be testing.....cross your fingers!

Are my eyes deceiving me?!?!

I think my chart is changing everyday in my last blog entry. If that's true and I think it is, that is freaking awesome!

Walking for March of Dimes...in honor of Zoe

We are walking this year in the March for Babies walk. Please visit our page and consider donating to the March of Dimes, or look for a walk in your area and walk for babies. This is a wonderful organization, they do amazing things for families. Thank you.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?SeId=1385270&si=

Cycle number one

This is cycle number one of trying for another baby. We are a good way in day 18, and I'm relatively certain that I ovulated a couple of days ago, I'm just waiting for confirmation from FF. Here is my chart, in case you are interested.......and I realize, no one cares about this like I do :)

So now I wait for my crosshairs, then I start my progesterone, then I wait a little more! Cross your fingers and hope for the best!

An amazing woman

There is a wonderful woman that I met almost three years ago when I suffered my first pregnancy loss. I found a board where women came together to help each other. On that board was Toni. Toni has an amazing spirit, she has been through so much in life. She is the mommy of one beautiful little girl here on earth and to eight sweet angels, many of those babies were lost to stillbirth. Toni recently did an interview for a paper in her area to raise awareness on doctor's offices performing autopsies on stillborn babies. Here is her story, this is just one more way that Toni has given herself for others to prosper from, she is completely selfless.

Thank you Toni for being so amazing and for continuing to give to others. You have helped me in so many ways, especially when I lost Zoe. You are simply amazing, be proud of that!

Life

comes with ups and downs for everyone. Everyone goes through things that someone else may look at and think I do not want to go through that, that would be difficult to cope with. Since we all have different circumstances and everyones has their difficult times why do people feel the need to compete with each other. Your life is not worse than mine and mine is not worse than yours. We have all had struggles, let us respect that, empathize and move on.

Do you think that will ever happen?

Love and Innocence

While I was at church today there was a little boy sitting in front of me, he was about ten years old and he was handicapped and in a wheel chair. His father wheeled him up and placed his chair next to the pew where he was sitting.

To watch the relationship between the Father and Son was quite amazing. As the little boy sat next to his Dad, he would reach over and he would hold onto his leg or he would tap his Dad and his Father would rub his palm and hold his hand. His Father was occasionally wiping the boys mouth and as he bent over to get closer to his sons mouth, the boy would reach out and play with his Father's hair.

After Communion was over, a lady walked by and the little boy reached out and grabbed her, he squeezed and she squeezed back with a smile. Then when he let go of her hand he clapped.

While I was watching them I got tears in my eyes. The amount of innocence and love that this boy felt for other people, especially his Father was amazing. That is the kind of love that people should have for each other. He loved deeply, you could feel it around him and his Father loved him back..very deeply, it was beautiful.

One year ago today

I found out that we were expecting another baby. What a day that was! I was so excited. I couldn't believe how blessed we were to get this amazing surprise!

So this is a very bittersweet day, a day that I will always remember as the day that I found out we were having another baby(I waited until the 15th and a really dark BFP to tell Dave!). But, it's also a sad day because she is not here, neither are her siblings and we are starting all over.

Simply the sweetest

This is how my kids feel asleep the other night, could you get any sweeter? They are all cuddled together, and love each other so much!



If only during they day when they are fighting over the little dog that moves and barks they would stop and hug, just for a moment!

Look at this

Pretty lose to positive, right? I think I am going to take it as one. Because later that night it was nothing again. I'm wondering if these OPK things are even worth my time and effort. I will probably still use them next month because I have them, but after that I'm unsure I will order any more. Thoughts?

Anyways, I was a little excited when I saw this.....afterall, it's the little things in life.

Ok, so this might

be because every thought that goes through my mind involves TTC. But, today I was looking at recipes....I came across this.




Doesn't it totally look like a photo of a reproductive system?

grossest.thing.ever

The little guy had to go to the doctor today. He has been sick for a little while, vomiting on and off. I realized after thinking about it forever that it began three days into our Kalahari trip, so the doctor thought that maybe it was/is a parasite. What does that even mean?! Anyways.....he went to the doctor and they sent me home with this..............



Gross, right(You have to use your imagination here a bit.....picture a diaper as well!)!?! So fast forward to later that afternoon. The little guy goes potty so I am armed with my two sticks and my oh.so.little cup. Paige walks in and says "Hey Mom, whatcha makin'?" "hehe, oh, nothing Pay" I reply. "Eww...is that POOP?" she says "Why are you doing that?"

The poor child is probably traumatized for life at the sight of her Mom playing with her little brother's poop! But, we do what we have to do as Mom's, right?!

I'll let you know what comes of the test.

Why do you still have that?

my Dad asked....in reference to my bottle of needles from my pregnancy with Zoe. He asked Dave and he answered "Tracy doesn't want to get rid of them" Then to me my Dad asked "You don't want to get rid of them, why not...throw them away" I replied "I can't, I don't want to"

I know it is strange, I know that it isn't understood by alot of people, but I can't throw them away. It is sort of a piece of her that I need to hold onto. I wish that I didn't feel that way, but I do. I felt so stupid when he said, "throw them away"...I wish it were that easy!

Pregnancy and Weddings

I know that when you are getting married, everything is about that wedding. I remember when I was getting married my sister got pregnant and was due just 2 weeks before my day. I was a little upset when I found out, I mean it was my wedding, afterall.

Thinking about it now I don't really understand why I thought that way. I understand it's a big day, but so is pregnancy, so if you can get there and stay there....go for it. Maybe just don't be due on the wedding day!

I don't think I am better than other people

If you have to say this at the start of a conversation or several times during the conversation, chances are you think you are better than other people.

Yesterday while waiting in the preschool pick up line. I listened to a mother talk about Kindergarten. She is upset with the school that her daughter will be going to. It isn't a bad school(I know this because I went there as a kid) it's in the same district as the school my kids go to but it is in a lower income neighborhood. She has a problem with that. While explaining to everyone in line(some of which live in this neighborhood) she went on and on about how she worked hard for what she has and is NOT ABOUT TO RUIN IT because of a bunch of low lives. As if the rest of us who own/rent homes have not worked hard for what we have. She also made sure to say every three or so minutes "believe me, I don't think I am better than anyone else" Ummmm...yes you do, you just called people that go to preschool with your daughter low lives.

She continued to say she always admired my house, then when she realized I lived there she was surprised(because I am a low life :)..eye roll). She said "I got the luck of the draw" because my neighborhood went to a good school. No luck of the draw here, we researched, researched a little more and then decided we liked the school system and put a bid in on our home. I mean, after all, it is public and in most cases common knowledge.

And finally, she said she doesn't want her daughter to be influenced by "bad" kids and turn out to not be a good person....to which someone replied "you are molding her to become that way!"

Plan B

Let me preface by saying that I don't agree with abortion or plan B, I think life starts with conception. I wouldn't do either,but in some circumstances I suppose it's a good thing to be available.


I'm talking about the emergency contraceptive. I was on Webmd reading some posts and a boyfriend posted about his girlfriend taking it for the last two months after having sex, she is worried about long term effects, future pregnancies...etc. Here is the problem I have with it.....Why are people taking it every month? If you don't want to get pregnant you have a few choices.......1. being the most obvious, don't have sex. and 2. use some kind of protection, I don't care what it is, use it, that is what they are there for.

Because, here is the thing, do they even know what the long term effects are? I mean you take it every month, then what? Can you keep getting pregnant? It seems like common sense, if you don't want to get pregnant use protection every month rather than taking something after the fact. I know things happen, but this is not one of those things.

Struggling, Juggling and Sleep

There you go. This is what is going on with me struggling, juggling and sleep.

Sleep is non existent, literally. Even if I take a sleeping pill. Problem is I don't know if I am not sleeping or if my constant mind racing is also in my dreams. Either way in the morning I am still terribly tired.

When I lost Zoe, after going through my "stages" I threw myself into volunteering. For EVERYTHING. I wanted to give myself a purpose. Now, I can't keep up. I am trying to do so many things and I feel like I am failing at all of them.

I am trying so hard to be a good Mom, I volunteer like crazy for Sadie's school. I have chaired several different programs and still have several more coming up. In turn I feel like I have to volunteer at Paige's school, so I do. I help finish projects, hang things at school, make crafts, make snacks. Then I want to make sure I am spending extra time with Xander because if I don't, I'm neglecting. When we went to Kalahari this week, I ran myself like a mad woman because I wanted to make sure we got in everything and then some each day. Because if I didn't I was lacking as a mother and a wife. And, here is the big thing, if someone else doesn't do as much as I do, I wonder why....isn't that what you do as a mother and wife? Really?!

Then I am trying to get this March of Dimes walk going, also get the support group and going at church. All are going well and making progress. But, I have lost all drive to do it. I feel like it is just too much for me and feel like when I do try and help other people it is setting me back, which is not something I need. Then I have an immense amount of guilt because shouldn't I be helping people, why so selfish to be thinking more about myself.

I'm having a hard time juggling it all. Do you believe I actually forgot to pay my car insurance last month? Completely forgot and got a phone call a month later that it had lapsed. Thank God they reinstated us.

I don't really know what the point to the post is except to hope that someone will tell me some of this is normal! :) I'm hoping that I am not the only one that feels this way. Hopefully it is just period I am going through. Sleep...I think that could do me some good!

Emotional over load

This week we are here on vacation at Kalahari indoor water park. It is such a fun place, the kids absolutely love it. While they are going up and down the waterslides, I stand at the bottom and watch......this is when I have too much time to think.

Because this is a family park you see alot of expecting Mommy's and alot of brand new Mommy's sweet little babies. So, my mind goes to, , I should have had a sweet little girl in a carrier on my chest, or a big old belly, I should have had a two month old or be 26 weeks pregnant with twins on this trip! Yesterday when we were in the water there was a dark haired little girl going down the slide, her Mom called for her "Zoe, comehere!" Oh boy, Zoe. My eyes started to well up,but I contained myself as best I could. That really hit me hard, I don't hear the name Zoe often and I never realized it but it helps to not see children running around with that name......I know it might sound odd.

To add, my MIL is hear helping with the kids. Mostly to help with my nephews because there are two of them. I remember us sitting around last year after we found out we were expecting and saying "Wow, there will be alot of us next year. An eight yr old, a four yr old, a three yr old, three two yr olds and a brand new baby!" I said I am going to be tired but this is going to be fun. It's hard to remember those things.

So yesterday especially was a hard day, but today I am up with a clearer head and starting out with a smile.

Happy 8th Birthday Sadie

Eight years ago, take away two days, I was on my way to the hospital at 6:00p.m. to be induced with our very first baby! On the way to the hospital Daddy was quite nervous of your arrival and I specifically remember him running over a curb on the way! Her labor was a long one(though not as long as my friend Mandy's recent delivery....you are amazing girl!) 30 hours of hard labor, I was on pitocin and finally at 24 hours I gave in and asked for an epidural. Finally the doctor said time to pus!. During the pushing we were accompanied by Daddy, Dr. G, 2 nurses, both Grandmas, both Papas, 2 Uncles and an Aunt. Never again, I'm not sure what I was thinking, in the moment I guess.





Sadie grew up quickly she got her first tooth at seven months and two at a time every time after that. She never really crawled, on one foot and one knee always, but began walking at 9 months. She was a wonderful baby and such a joy, we were so blessed to have her in our lives. Now it is hard to believe that she is 8 years old. She is an amazing big sister and such a smart little girl. She does amazingly well in school and is reading at almost a sixth grade level and her teacher thinks she will be in honors classes beginning next year.





I look forward to this year and to see the new ways that she grows. Happy Birthday sweet Sadie Lady!

In a butterflies garden

A few months ago, I stumbled across this blog. Rachel is the mother of triplet angels, after she lost her babies she wanted a place to show her grief and a way to help others. This is her way, she raises butterflies and photographs those butterflies for other Mother's of angels. Here is Zoe's butterfly. Thank you Rachel, it is simply beautiful.

Hi

people who don't understand what I am going through and never will... you suck. If you don't want to pretend to understand and act like you get why I am doing what I am doing...DON'T ask about it.

Here was a conversation with my friend.

Friend "so are you planning on trying to get pregnant again?"

me, "yeah,soon I hope, we have to wait another cycle, then probably"

Friend "oh, well, what are you going to do if it happens again?"

Me " It, what do you mean it?"

Friend "you know, what if you lose it again?"

Me "ummm, I will be sad, and then I will wait, and then I will try again?"

Friend "oh, again? How many more times?"

Me "well, I am hoping it will only take one more pregnancy to get a healthy baby here, but right now I don't intend on stopping"

Friend "Oh, I was wondering how long you would do this for"

Uh huh, thanks.

Really, I don't expect anyone to get it, but I would appreciate the support, even if you don't like it, because that is what friends are supposed to do.

A situation for you to ponder....update

This was my blog about a week ago...I would like to add onto this


A recent discussion on a trying after loss board. The ladies there are great and the discussion went well, rather than people saying rude things to one another, we were respectful, the way it should be.

So, the situation. If you lose a pregnancy but already have children, is it easier for you than someone who has no children, more difficult or do you see no difference?

Her thoughts and fears were that she has a very difficult time because she has a fear that she will never get pregnant. If you already have children then you know what that is like, you can't have those fears.

My reply......to see a loss through your children's eyes is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and in a way it didn't allow me to grieve in the way that I needed because I was concerned on how it may hurt them.

So, thoughts?

Here is an add on to that post....

When I posted this, I want everyone to know that my intention was not to say that my experience was worse because I had children. It was more to let people know that all losses are painful and each is different in it's own right. My loss was not any more difficult than yours because I have children, just different because there were other people involved. I have never been in the shoes of losing a baby before having children. I cannot imagine the thoughts that go through ones mind and the pain associated with it.

Every loss is a heartbreaking experience, I feel for anyone who has had to go through it.

UP

Yes, I am talking about the Disney/Pixar movie. Recently....a couple of days ago I sat down with my girls, Xander and Dave to watch this movie.

I was shocked at the first ten minutes. I found it to be terribly sad and sadder even when my 8 year old asked why they were showing a Mom losing her baby. I don't know which bothered me more.....that my small daughter knows that Mom's can lose babies or that a company that is making children's movies put a scene where the Mom lost her baby. Both suck if you ask me.

After the first sucky ten minutes of the movie, there is a good message. But, I'm fairly certain I will never watch it again.

A situation for you to ponder....

A recent discussion on a trying after loss board. The ladies there are great and the discussion went well, rather than people saying rude things to one another, we were respectful, the way it should be.

So, the situation. If you lose a pregnancy but already have children, is it easier for you than someone who has no children, more difficult or do you see no difference?

Her thoughts and fears were that she has a very difficult time because she has a fear that she will never get pregnant. If you already have children then you know what that is like, you can't have those fears.

My reply......to see a loss through your children's eyes is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and in a way it didn't allow me to grieve in the way that I needed because I was concerned on how it may hurt them.

So, thoughts?