Pregnancy and Weddings

I know that when you are getting married, everything is about that wedding. I remember when I was getting married my sister got pregnant and was due just 2 weeks before my day. I was a little upset when I found out, I mean it was my wedding, afterall.

Thinking about it now I don't really understand why I thought that way. I understand it's a big day, but so is pregnancy, so if you can get there and stay there....go for it. Maybe just don't be due on the wedding day!

I don't think I am better than other people

If you have to say this at the start of a conversation or several times during the conversation, chances are you think you are better than other people.

Yesterday while waiting in the preschool pick up line. I listened to a mother talk about Kindergarten. She is upset with the school that her daughter will be going to. It isn't a bad school(I know this because I went there as a kid) it's in the same district as the school my kids go to but it is in a lower income neighborhood. She has a problem with that. While explaining to everyone in line(some of which live in this neighborhood) she went on and on about how she worked hard for what she has and is NOT ABOUT TO RUIN IT because of a bunch of low lives. As if the rest of us who own/rent homes have not worked hard for what we have. She also made sure to say every three or so minutes "believe me, I don't think I am better than anyone else" Ummmm...yes you do, you just called people that go to preschool with your daughter low lives.

She continued to say she always admired my house, then when she realized I lived there she was surprised(because I am a low life :)..eye roll). She said "I got the luck of the draw" because my neighborhood went to a good school. No luck of the draw here, we researched, researched a little more and then decided we liked the school system and put a bid in on our home. I mean, after all, it is public and in most cases common knowledge.

And finally, she said she doesn't want her daughter to be influenced by "bad" kids and turn out to not be a good person....to which someone replied "you are molding her to become that way!"

Plan B

Let me preface by saying that I don't agree with abortion or plan B, I think life starts with conception. I wouldn't do either,but in some circumstances I suppose it's a good thing to be available.


I'm talking about the emergency contraceptive. I was on Webmd reading some posts and a boyfriend posted about his girlfriend taking it for the last two months after having sex, she is worried about long term effects, future pregnancies...etc. Here is the problem I have with it.....Why are people taking it every month? If you don't want to get pregnant you have a few choices.......1. being the most obvious, don't have sex. and 2. use some kind of protection, I don't care what it is, use it, that is what they are there for.

Because, here is the thing, do they even know what the long term effects are? I mean you take it every month, then what? Can you keep getting pregnant? It seems like common sense, if you don't want to get pregnant use protection every month rather than taking something after the fact. I know things happen, but this is not one of those things.

Struggling, Juggling and Sleep

There you go. This is what is going on with me struggling, juggling and sleep.

Sleep is non existent, literally. Even if I take a sleeping pill. Problem is I don't know if I am not sleeping or if my constant mind racing is also in my dreams. Either way in the morning I am still terribly tired.

When I lost Zoe, after going through my "stages" I threw myself into volunteering. For EVERYTHING. I wanted to give myself a purpose. Now, I can't keep up. I am trying to do so many things and I feel like I am failing at all of them.

I am trying so hard to be a good Mom, I volunteer like crazy for Sadie's school. I have chaired several different programs and still have several more coming up. In turn I feel like I have to volunteer at Paige's school, so I do. I help finish projects, hang things at school, make crafts, make snacks. Then I want to make sure I am spending extra time with Xander because if I don't, I'm neglecting. When we went to Kalahari this week, I ran myself like a mad woman because I wanted to make sure we got in everything and then some each day. Because if I didn't I was lacking as a mother and a wife. And, here is the big thing, if someone else doesn't do as much as I do, I wonder why....isn't that what you do as a mother and wife? Really?!

Then I am trying to get this March of Dimes walk going, also get the support group and going at church. All are going well and making progress. But, I have lost all drive to do it. I feel like it is just too much for me and feel like when I do try and help other people it is setting me back, which is not something I need. Then I have an immense amount of guilt because shouldn't I be helping people, why so selfish to be thinking more about myself.

I'm having a hard time juggling it all. Do you believe I actually forgot to pay my car insurance last month? Completely forgot and got a phone call a month later that it had lapsed. Thank God they reinstated us.

I don't really know what the point to the post is except to hope that someone will tell me some of this is normal! :) I'm hoping that I am not the only one that feels this way. Hopefully it is just period I am going through. Sleep...I think that could do me some good!

Emotional over load

This week we are here on vacation at Kalahari indoor water park. It is such a fun place, the kids absolutely love it. While they are going up and down the waterslides, I stand at the bottom and watch......this is when I have too much time to think.

Because this is a family park you see alot of expecting Mommy's and alot of brand new Mommy's sweet little babies. So, my mind goes to, , I should have had a sweet little girl in a carrier on my chest, or a big old belly, I should have had a two month old or be 26 weeks pregnant with twins on this trip! Yesterday when we were in the water there was a dark haired little girl going down the slide, her Mom called for her "Zoe, comehere!" Oh boy, Zoe. My eyes started to well up,but I contained myself as best I could. That really hit me hard, I don't hear the name Zoe often and I never realized it but it helps to not see children running around with that name......I know it might sound odd.

To add, my MIL is hear helping with the kids. Mostly to help with my nephews because there are two of them. I remember us sitting around last year after we found out we were expecting and saying "Wow, there will be alot of us next year. An eight yr old, a four yr old, a three yr old, three two yr olds and a brand new baby!" I said I am going to be tired but this is going to be fun. It's hard to remember those things.

So yesterday especially was a hard day, but today I am up with a clearer head and starting out with a smile.

Happy 8th Birthday Sadie

Eight years ago, take away two days, I was on my way to the hospital at 6:00p.m. to be induced with our very first baby! On the way to the hospital Daddy was quite nervous of your arrival and I specifically remember him running over a curb on the way! Her labor was a long one(though not as long as my friend Mandy's recent delivery....you are amazing girl!) 30 hours of hard labor, I was on pitocin and finally at 24 hours I gave in and asked for an epidural. Finally the doctor said time to pus!. During the pushing we were accompanied by Daddy, Dr. G, 2 nurses, both Grandmas, both Papas, 2 Uncles and an Aunt. Never again, I'm not sure what I was thinking, in the moment I guess.





Sadie grew up quickly she got her first tooth at seven months and two at a time every time after that. She never really crawled, on one foot and one knee always, but began walking at 9 months. She was a wonderful baby and such a joy, we were so blessed to have her in our lives. Now it is hard to believe that she is 8 years old. She is an amazing big sister and such a smart little girl. She does amazingly well in school and is reading at almost a sixth grade level and her teacher thinks she will be in honors classes beginning next year.





I look forward to this year and to see the new ways that she grows. Happy Birthday sweet Sadie Lady!

In a butterflies garden

A few months ago, I stumbled across this blog. Rachel is the mother of triplet angels, after she lost her babies she wanted a place to show her grief and a way to help others. This is her way, she raises butterflies and photographs those butterflies for other Mother's of angels. Here is Zoe's butterfly. Thank you Rachel, it is simply beautiful.

Hi

people who don't understand what I am going through and never will... you suck. If you don't want to pretend to understand and act like you get why I am doing what I am doing...DON'T ask about it.

Here was a conversation with my friend.

Friend "so are you planning on trying to get pregnant again?"

me, "yeah,soon I hope, we have to wait another cycle, then probably"

Friend "oh, well, what are you going to do if it happens again?"

Me " It, what do you mean it?"

Friend "you know, what if you lose it again?"

Me "ummm, I will be sad, and then I will wait, and then I will try again?"

Friend "oh, again? How many more times?"

Me "well, I am hoping it will only take one more pregnancy to get a healthy baby here, but right now I don't intend on stopping"

Friend "Oh, I was wondering how long you would do this for"

Uh huh, thanks.

Really, I don't expect anyone to get it, but I would appreciate the support, even if you don't like it, because that is what friends are supposed to do.

A situation for you to ponder....update

This was my blog about a week ago...I would like to add onto this


A recent discussion on a trying after loss board. The ladies there are great and the discussion went well, rather than people saying rude things to one another, we were respectful, the way it should be.

So, the situation. If you lose a pregnancy but already have children, is it easier for you than someone who has no children, more difficult or do you see no difference?

Her thoughts and fears were that she has a very difficult time because she has a fear that she will never get pregnant. If you already have children then you know what that is like, you can't have those fears.

My reply......to see a loss through your children's eyes is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and in a way it didn't allow me to grieve in the way that I needed because I was concerned on how it may hurt them.

So, thoughts?

Here is an add on to that post....

When I posted this, I want everyone to know that my intention was not to say that my experience was worse because I had children. It was more to let people know that all losses are painful and each is different in it's own right. My loss was not any more difficult than yours because I have children, just different because there were other people involved. I have never been in the shoes of losing a baby before having children. I cannot imagine the thoughts that go through ones mind and the pain associated with it.

Every loss is a heartbreaking experience, I feel for anyone who has had to go through it.

UP

Yes, I am talking about the Disney/Pixar movie. Recently....a couple of days ago I sat down with my girls, Xander and Dave to watch this movie.

I was shocked at the first ten minutes. I found it to be terribly sad and sadder even when my 8 year old asked why they were showing a Mom losing her baby. I don't know which bothered me more.....that my small daughter knows that Mom's can lose babies or that a company that is making children's movies put a scene where the Mom lost her baby. Both suck if you ask me.

After the first sucky ten minutes of the movie, there is a good message. But, I'm fairly certain I will never watch it again.

A situation for you to ponder....

A recent discussion on a trying after loss board. The ladies there are great and the discussion went well, rather than people saying rude things to one another, we were respectful, the way it should be.

So, the situation. If you lose a pregnancy but already have children, is it easier for you than someone who has no children, more difficult or do you see no difference?

Her thoughts and fears were that she has a very difficult time because she has a fear that she will never get pregnant. If you already have children then you know what that is like, you can't have those fears.

My reply......to see a loss through your children's eyes is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and in a way it didn't allow me to grieve in the way that I needed because I was concerned on how it may hurt them.

So, thoughts?