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Not me Monday, head over to McMama's blog and read all about what everyone did NOT do this week.I did NOT set off my car alarm Saturday night to stop the boy down the street from playing his drum in my driveway. Then, I did not laugh so hard I was crying when he ran back home as fast as he could, no way....NOT me!I did NOT eat dozen of cookies this weekend just because they were here and I felt like it...nope, NOT me.
And, finally...I did NOT think it was adorable that Xander "accidentally" peed all over the floor instead of in the potty, but then was upset the next time he did it...NOT me.
I haven't blogged much lately, I really don't have anything to say. There are alot of things going on in my mind, I have been wondering what people think about me for continuing to try to have another baby. I hate worrying so much what other people are thinking about me. I keep thinking, I must be a bad person, I must have done something, sometime to someone that is causing me to be going through so much pain lately. I hate thinking that way, but what else might it be, you know. So, I have been getting Daily inspirations from God on Facebook.....sounds silly I know, but I got one today and the other day that really hit home. Here is today's.......
"God doesn't create faulty life. No. Everything created by God is perfect, and so are you. So stop driving yourself mad ...with endless ways to improve, and just accept the glory of your being as is."Stop driving yourself mad with ways to improve.....this is what I need to remember. I thought, if it isn't that I am a bad person, I must be to heavy to carry a healthy pregnancy to term....yes, my mind is crazy but these are my thoughts. I am not a big girl, but could stand to lose a little. I am 5'4" and weigh 146lbs, I figure if I lose another 10 that would be good. So, when I get there and I possibly get pregnant again, what if I lose that one, will I take it to extreme and need to lose another ten....or volunteer for one more project?
This leads me to my next message from God on facebook, it is laughable right, but right now, I feel like I am grasping at straws and I really do feel like these are signs that I need to follow. This Thursday I have a meeting with an RE...Reproductive Endocrinologist. I am going to see if it is ok to get pregnant again, if they can tell me anything at all. I hit a patch of doubt last week, and almost cancelled the appointment. Here is the other message.....
"Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not a...live. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now."Dave and I sat down and decided to go, with the hopes that we find out something, even if it is not what we want to hear. No more doubt...at least not enough to make me cancel, because I am going to go. My heart knows what is best.
This article to me is a funny one, and I love the response that was given by the writer. I once had a friend ask(from her husband) "what does she do all day? She only has two children, how hard could it possibly be to take care of her kids and keep a house clean?" As any stay at home mom knows your day is a crazy one and starts from the minute ......
1. you wake up on your own, you know birds chirping and of course you are in your floor length beautiful white night gown, arms stretched wide, from your night of restful sleep.
or
2. you are awoken to three(in my case) screaming children who are all yelling for something different. This, of course, comes after a night of 5 trips to the potty(2 of which are for yourself, because after all, your bladder is just not what it used to be, since having children) and a few trips to the kitchen because the littlest guy needs duice(water), because he is oh, so, thirsty.
So, the day begins...get up Mom time to start off running. You make sure backpacks are packed, every one's clothes need to be out and showers need to be done. If breakfast is not on the table by 7:15am someone will be screaming CEREALLLLLLLLLLL.....Momma.....CEREALLLLLLLLL!!! This of course is Xander. So, on with the day, lunches packed, I of course am still in my pajamas, and not a beautiful white night gown, it would be an old(at least 3 years) tshirt of Dave's that I threw on the night before. It is now 8:30 and I am running around the house looking for a hair brush, which I finally find at 8:40 get everyone finished and out the door. Sadie arrives at school with 2 minutes to spare.....GO MOM!
After dropping Paige off at school we are leaving and Xander is very enticed by the baptismal font that is calling his name...."come to me Xander, come and splash in my holy water" And, so, he does. I remind him, only one hand Xander, he of course dips both, splashes(just a little) and proceeds to do the sign of the cross with his right hand "fader..son..sprite" then, because the other hand is wet, what else to do but put it in his mouth and suck it off!
Now, off to the store. This is one of Xander's favorites. Into the store and he requests "I walk" Ok, you walk but no touching. So we go through the store, and he of course touches everything and in the bread aisle, this never fails, he touches each loaf and also takes bite out of every fifth bag. We check out, this of course is every child's playground...curse the grocery store people.
After picking up Paige we head home and do lunch. Then I look around the home and see it is a disgusting pig sty. So I start to clean. Anyone with children knows that if you have little ones, particularly two year olds, loading the dishwasher is a 45 minute task. I load, he unloads. Because they are dirty dishes, once he is finished unloading, I have to wash the kitchen floor, because there is dish "juice" all over the floor....ICK.
Time to get Sadie, they love to walk, it's about a mile, and good exercise, so I say, why not?! Once on our way, I realize why not. Because Paige always wears the wrong shoes, trips and hits the sidewalk at least 5 times. Xander is upset because he should be walking, and if he is not he should, at the very least, be holding Paige's hand. The walk takes 20mins, not too bad, right.....that is until we get Sadie, everyone is terribly tired from the walk there so the walk home is 40mins. By the time I arrive at home all I want to do is lie down and sleep, but alas it is time to make dinner.
So, I will not bore you with the rest of the details, you get the idea. But, I will add, that while I am doing all of these tasks, I do give myself some time to go to the restroom, I do however not remember the last time I have done that on my own. Xander usually is joining me. If he is not chattering about how he needs to peepee, he is unrolling all the toilet paper so that Mommy has enough. Also, add in several diaper changes, spilled juice cups, bumped heads, runny noses, scrapped knees and restless(napless) children.
This unmarried, childless women, this is what a stay at home Mom does all day long. So, if you don't receive an email from your friend who sits home and does nothing all day long, while taking care of her children, it is like the article said, she is taking those 5 minutes to close her eyes and reflect on the day. I hope that one day, when you have children, whether you work or stay home, you experience the business of a mother's day, but mostly the joy!
was my birthday. It was also the day that I started to lose our babies. They kept saying two sacs but I didn't know what that meant until this nightmare began, now I know that this pregnancy started out as two babies. My worst fear and sadly, that is what happened. It is such a long and drawn out process and still is not over. There is so much pain involved, visually, physically and emotionally.
I have many hopes and dreams this year, I don't know if it's customary to receive more than one wish, but I am going to hope. The are not for me, but just for people I care about.
First and fore most a sibling for my children, something that they ask for often.
For friends, there are so many things going wrong right now, it's like our world is in a tailspin. For my dear friend that her marriage turn out ok and that her husband wake up and stop acting the way that he is. You can't just pick up and walk away from life because it gets to be too much.
That another friend and her new son thrive and she enjoys every little moment of his life, this year is going to be an amazing one and I am so happy that she gets to see and enjoy this year.
For my brother's girlfriend who I hope can find some peace this year after losing her Mom at just 23. I can't imagine how she is feeling, but I will do anything to help her through.
For friends who are pregnant, I wish that their pregnancies are uneventful and that their births are quick and painless! :)
Thank you all for the birthday wishes, love you!
It's funny how in life you have so many twists and turns and ups and downs. I have known that I wanted children forever. Dave and I both knew that we wanted a large family. I still remember my first positive pregnancy test very well. I remember thinking how easily it happened and being amazed by that. I don't ever remember thinking things wouldn't work out. Each subsequent pregnancy got a little harder, it took a little longer and alot of planning to get pregnant. Then I had my first loss, then I started to worry, every pregnancy after that I completely panicked about everything, worried that something bad was sure to happen, and hoping to God that it didn't.
Now, here is the twist, I just lost another pregnancy this week. I found out the baby had stopped growing and that there was no longer a heartbeat, which we had just seen the week before. I took medication to help myself miscarry. Odd right? You spend all this time praying that you will have a healthy pregnancy and everything will happen accordingly, and then...nine months later you welcome a perfect baby. Now, I find myself praying that I can miscarry this baby naturally(with the help of medicine) and not need a D&C. How backwards is that anyways, ugh. So, the first dose did not work, so far. If it doesn't work by Monday I have to take another dose, if that dose is a no go, I go to surgery. So now I find myself praying for something that I would never really want, but I have not been given the choice.
Such is life.
I went back to the OB today for a follow up ultrasound. I was at the radiologist last week, the baby was measuring 5 weeks 6 days, I saw and heard the heartbeat. Today, exactly one week later, I saw a baby still measuring 5 weeks 6 days, but this time with no heartbeat. Again my world comes crumbling down. I must say that I am not terribly surprised that this happened, because, after all it was just too good to be true.
So, after talking it over with my doctor he suggested that I take cytotec. A D&C for me is really a risky thing for me to go through again, there are other factors that come into play with my fibroid. It took me 6 hours to take those 8 little pills, I sobbed the entire time while choking them down. The thought of "helping" the baby miscarry is completely sickening to me. But, the thought of being at Sadie's school to pick her up and something terrible happening there is even more frightening. My poor children do not deserve to see their Mom go through hell.
I have taken the cytotec and I already feel terrible. I don't want to do this, I don't want to see myself lose a baby that I wanted so badly. I don't want to go through this again. I will be ok and I will make it through. But, now again I will have to deal with the guilt. Guilt for not telling everyone.....we should have been screaming from the top of our lungs that we were expecting another baby. Let them know we were scared, yes. But, shouldn't we have just embraced and told everyone of our joy? Who knows. I kept telling myself "don't get too attached, in case something bad happens" Right, how do you not get attached to this beautiful being that is growing inside of you. Guilt for again having to decide to help my baby be removed from me...right now I feel terrible, even though I know I didn't do this.
Now I wait, and hope this already terrible situation doesn't become any worse and things happen as easily as they can. And, here is to hoping that a really shitty 2009 becomes a little brighter before it is over.
I would like to reach out to you all and ask from some thoughts and prayers for a couple of friends.
First is a very dear friend who has been so wonderful to me since my losing Zoe. She truly has no idea what she has done for my spirit and for my soul. She lost her dear twins at 17 and 19 weeks, just 5 months ago. Just this weekend, the very same weekend of her twins EDD she found out that a birth mother had chosen her and her husband as adoptive parents. Today, her little boy was welcomed into the world, he is a few weeks early but is expected to be doing well. I am so happy for her and know that this was a special gift from her sweet little angels in heaven.
Second is my friend Danielle and her little girl Maggie. Maggie was delivered last week at just 29 weeks 6 days. She is doing so well right now. Please everyone send prayers that she continues to do well and that her Mommy does ok being away from her. I'm sure it is very hard on her to not be there 24/7. Sending her lots of love and hugs.
Thank you for keeping them all in your thoughts, I know that they will both greatly appreciate it.
I write this, worried that people are reading it that I don't want reading it. I worry that I have "unknown" readers. But, I want the people dear to me to know what is going on. Because I need you all, I need your support, your love and your prayers. We found out three weeks ago today that we are expecting another baby. We were charting to not become pregnant and low and behold here we are with another little one on the way.
The amount of emotions running through me at times, are extremely hard to comprehend. I am excited, I can't believe this happened and happened easily, quickly and without trying. I am scared out of my mind. I don't think that I can bear another devastating blow, like losing Zoe. I am grateful, that I(we) were given this chance again, to be blessed with such a wonderful miracle. I have guilt, because I don't want anyone to think that Zoe's memory is any less to me now that I am expecting another baby. I feel like I am doing her a disservice in a way by being excited about this new baby. But, I am hoping that this baby is a gift from her and from God.
So, the last week has been full of ups and downs, frights and smiles. I went in on Tuesday for my first ultrasound. My OB who is truly a wonderful man had me come in after hours to have the ultrasound and see what we see. He found two sacs, but nothing in the sacs. I, of course, immediately started to cry, because what was I supposed to do now. He sent me for some blood work and told me to call in the morning. My hcg level came back at 9000, wow! So he wanted me to go to a radiologist and get an exstentsive 4D ultrasound with a tech. After two long hours of seeing nothing on the ultrasound, the tech was ready to give up. And, she said...let me try one more thing. She pressed hard on the top part of my belly and there it was, the most beautiful thing you will ever see. A beautiful baby, in a beautiful sac, with a beautiful heartbeat. And, another sac that is still empty. Seeing such a beautiful thing sent me crying the happiest tears. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I am measuring perfectly at six weeks along. After lying there on the table for so long I started to think....maybe there is nothing there. It was a feeling of relief, joy and pure happiness.
So, I waited last night for the call from my OB to read me the results. He told me that there was a beautiful baby, with a beautiful heartbeat. Then he told me that there is blood around the baby. Again, I sank, I'm sure that this is me being scared of every possibility of what can happen. He is going to see me every week and do ultrasounds to watch everything, the blood pocket, the baby, the fibroid and make sure that the growth is what it should be. I am scared and am praying that this works out and that we bring home a beautiful, healthy baby in a few months.
Last night I was feeling sorry for myself. Wishing that I could just have an easy pregnancy, I will take the sickness, terrible sickness. But, I just wish that everything else could be easy. I know that I have three beautiful children and I am beyond grateful for them, but I want this baby so badly as well. And, I would like him here safely and without tons of worry. The reality is that I am blessed to even be in this position. I will take all that comes at me with a smile on my face. I hope that when I have rough moments I will remember that there is a precious miracle inside of me that needs me to stay strong. So, that is what I am going to try to focus on. And, when times get rough for me, I am just going to tell myself to remember to breathe, because that is all that is going to get me through.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We are so looking forward to this baby and to what the next nine months bring. Please pray that everything will go perfectly and that we continue to see that beautiful heartbeat that I saw yesterday. My next appointment is Wednesday the 9th at 3:45pm eastern time. Remember us then.
Thank you all for your support for the last few months and for your continued support, it really means the world to me.
I have decided to stay positive.....at least for the next 3 hours or so. Once I hit three hours I am going to again be positive for the next 48 or so hours. I have a million thoughts running through my head, both good and bad. But, I am choosing to focus on the good. I have to, because if I don't I may go crazy. I am tired, and overwhelmed and sick. BUT, all is going to be ok!
