2009 reflections

A look back at 2009, so many things happened. Not just for me, but for others. It seemed to me as though the year was kind of dumped upside down and couldn't figure out where to go from there. To say that I am glad that 2009 is over and I never want to look back wouldn't be right. Because through all of the sadness I experienced many blessings.

I found out that we were expecting a baby in February, we were so happy, elated. That is a day I will never forget, I will never forget my first appt, where I saw a beautiful heartbeat and cried with joy. Weekly appointments continued to bring wonderful news of a growing and beautiful baby. In April we found out with almost certainty that we were having another little girl, another day I will not forget. My Mom was there with me that day and cried at the fantastic ultrasound.

Sadie and Paige grew in school and did a wonderful job, by the end of the year Sadie was reading at a 5th grade level while she was just in 1st grade. Paige got over her fear of school and really started to love it, she was coming home and talking about friends that she had made. Xander grew in so many ways, he is such a smart and such a loving little boy.

May 16 was the day that we found out Zoe had passed away, such a terrible day, while the day is a blur, I remember every vivid detail as it replays constantly in my mind. Just two days later my Paige graduated from preschool, it was a great distraction and a great joy to watch her get her diploma. May 19th we lost Zoe and things were very scary with my health for weeks, I scared alot of people, but everything turned out well. Just days after that Paige turned 4 years old....a big girl now!

Xander continued to grow throughout the summer and amaze us with the things he learned. He knows his alphabet and can count to 13! Sadie had a great summer as well, her and Paige took swim lessons and got over a huge fear of the water, they learned how to jump off the diving board! They went from being afraid to put their feet in the water to jumping in the deep end.....pretty amazing if you ask me!

In August we found out that we were expecting another baby. We went in for our ultrasound and saw two sacs! How excited, but terrified we were. At an extensive ultrasound we got to see one of the beautiful heartbeats...again another day I will never forget. In September we were hit with sadness again as we found out that we would lose our babies and on my 30th birthday we did.

September the girls started school again, Sadie to second grade and Paige to her second year of preschool. Both loved it right away and made even more new friends. Sadie was now reading at a middle of the fifth grade level and is in the challenge reading and spelling groups. Her teacher fully expects her to be in honors classes beginning next year. Paige now recognizes all of her letters and numbers and can write many of them as well, including her first and last name. Xander can speak in full sentances, jump, run, peddle a bike and dances like I have never seen another little boy dance in my life!!

Looking back on 2009 I know that we had our losses, terrible losses that I will never forget. I will miss Zoe and her siblings every day for the rest of my life. I think of them everyday and wish it hadn't have been. The sadness that we have gone through this year has brought us closer together as a family, for that I am eternally grateful. I have done things that I am really proud of and helped people, that feels really good. I have amazing children and an equally amazing husband who have made this year ok.

So, instead of saying Good Riddens 2009, I will say Good Bye....there are dear memories that I will never forget. Welcome 2010 treat us all well!

I've fallen in love

all over again. This year hasn't been the greatest to say the least. There have been so many trials that we have been put through. Alot of times relationships suffer because there is just too much stress. I am lucky, so lucky, to have Dave as my husband and I have fallen in love all over again.

All along I have known how wonderful he has been, he has stood by my side through this year, and helped me through the hardest times thus far in my life. All with a smile on his face, telling me it was going to be ok. He assured me that we would get through it and that he loved me. I believed it, but I didn't "get it" I guess.

Last night, during Mass, I turned to look at him. He was holding a sleeping Xander, caressing his face with tears in his eyes. Through his tears and some sniffles, he winked at me(his I love you, without using the words) and I winked back. I felt butterflies all over again. He truly is the love of my life and we have made it through so much together because of our love.

So, I thank him him for being so amazing and for loving me and our children with everything he has. I hope that every year(at least) I can fall in love all over again, like I did yesterday.

Memorial Mass

A couple of months ago I attended a Mass at a local parish for women who have suffered losses, pregnancy loss, still birth, infant loss. I knew when I lost Zoe, then lost our twins 3 months later that I needed to give myself a reason for this happening to us. My reason, was that I needed to help other people. So, my mission began. I called my priest and the staff at church and told them that I wanted to start a support group and have a Memorial Mass for families who had suffered losses.

Tonight was that mass. Now, of course for 12 hours before the Mass we had a terrible snow storm, the snow would just not stop falling....so far we have 8 inches and it seems to keep falling. There were only about 15-20 people in attendance, but it was beautiful. There were stories shared, there were tears and there were smiles too! At the end of the Mass, after many tears were shed on my and Dave's part, I was talking with another couple. The man and his wife lost three pregnancies over 20 years ago. He was telling me how he had been struggling lately, when he went to Mass on Christmas Eve and read about this Memorial Mass in the church bulletin. He told me that he has been so sad and had prayed for something or someone to help. He told me that I was an angel and I was his God send. I thanked him for being so kind and told him how sorry I was for his and his wife's losses. After the Mass, I realized that my part has begun, I did what I set out to do......I helped. It was only one person, maybe........... But I helped.

Merry Christmas and Sleep

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas that was filled with love, joy and family.

Sleep. It's really a thing of the past for me. After I lost Zoe, I had a terrible time sleeping, I went for weeks suffering through it all. I was lucky if I was getting two hours a night. I finally caved, realized I couldn't do it on my own and called my OB. After 3 different prescriptions and a little tweeking to the third, we finally found something that worked. I took it for a few weeks and then found I was expecting again. I had to stop taking them then. I was doing ok and sleeping well until a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if it is because of Christmas, because of a Mass for families who have lost babies, that I am planning, that is in a few days or that this year is coming to an end, like an end to a chapter.

So, I had to start taking my sleeping pills(with an anti depressant) again. I am disappointed in myself to say the least. Shouldn't I be able to do this on my own by now? Should I get so upset so easily that it interrupts and upsets my sleeping patterns and my everyday life? When it is beyond the loss and something else that needs to be taken care of? I guess I will know soon what it is that is causing me not to sleep.

$182,613

This is how much it costs to have a year from hell.

Back to that place

I am a jaded person lately and I hate it. I feel like a bad person, a bad, grumpy person. I keep reading things on facebook and other places about pregnancy. The most recent someone posted about a friend being told by an ER doc that she was going to miscarry(thankfully ER doc was an idiot and baby is perfectly fine). The friend couldn't understand it, no bleeding, no cramping, how could that happen? Umm..it happens all the time. It happened to me when I lost Zoe and then again when I lost the twins. I had spot twice, then nothing.....that is when I lost them. I think people need to realize there is no rhyme or reason.

I wish I could go back to that feeling of loving pregnancy and thinking it will all be ok. Instead I know now that there is no safe point. Last night I talked to this with Dave, I want another baby, but will live in fear for 9 months that something is going to happen.

I wish I could go back to that place of being un afraid.

Surgical follow up

I had my surgical follow up appt this week. Everything seems to be healing well,I am still on restrictions, no lifting, no bending over.....no fun! These are all quite difficult, especially the fun part but I will continue to follow instructions!

I asked about the pain that I was having and here is the reason for it. Though my external incision is horizontal, similar to a csection cut, the internal incision is horizontal and goes from my belly button to my pubic bone. That explains it all.

So trying again, we are allowed to start trying again after two cycles,that could happen regularly or it could take a little longer. I have been put on progesterone and baby aspirin. If I get a BFP I will get in right away for hcg levels to be drawn, every 2 days. Then I will have an early ultrasound and will be seen every one to two weeks until 13 weeks with the RE. Then I will be released to my OB where I will continue to be seen every week or two until 20 weeks, then hopefully I will got to every two to three weeks for a little while. I will need a c-section because the cut is so large there is a high chance for uterine rupture if I labor.

One thing that he was unsure of, he planned on doing an hsg during the surgery but the injector wasn't working properly, so the dye wasn't going into my tubes. He is unsure if my tubes are blocked or not because he couldn't see well enough. Since I had become pregnant this year he thinks they are ok, if I don't get pregnant within 3 months they will do an HSG. I hope I don't have to do that.

I'm not sure if we will try again in two cycles or not, right now we are planning on trying, I just don't know when. I realized after the surgery went well that I am scared to death to do this again. I'm not sure that I can handle losing another baby, I'm trying not to be pessimistic,but let's face it, my body has really sucked for the last few years.

So I will keep everyone updated on everything....thanks for caring.

Tested

Recently I have opened myself up and been telling everyone my story. Not on purpose, but it just happens that way. I had this surgery and when people find out that it was I had, the next question is why? So I share. I guess I have gotten to the point to where I want to share. I feel sick sometimes when I tell someone how many children I have and I leave my other children out, especially Zoe, because I knew her, I felt her, we all thought we were bringing her home. So it is nice(what a shitty word to use in this situation, but I've got nothing else) to share that sometimes.

So yesterday I tell someone and she starts to cry she said she had no idea and she told me how sorry she was. She asked when it happened and so I told her the story about how we found out two day before preschool graduation but I couldn't miss graduation. She started to cry harder, told me I was an amazing mother for making such a sacrifice for my children and then told me about her loss that she had at 6 weeks almost 5 years prior. She was crying and I just stood there, zero emotion coming out of me. I felt everything she was saying and felt for her, I've been there, I knew about all of it but I did nothing. I am embarrassed, I worry that she thinks I didn't care about Zoe, our other babies or her loss and her feelings. I think I was protecting myself, I knew if I started to cry it wouldn't end and I wasn't going to do that to myself...completely selfish, I think. I did tell her I was very sorry for her loss, but not much more.

Since then, I have cried about everything. And, I can't stop. I can't wait for this year to be over,there is a black cloud and while there have been many blessings this year....so many bad things have happened and I am unsure that I can take much more. I pray that next year is better....it has to be,right?

A fellow preschool Mom

heard my story. And she asked......

"How are you not depressed?" "You must be so strong"

I sort of paused for a moment. I'm not really sure how to answer that question. I mean, I don't know that I'm not depressed at times. Isn't everyone? Don't we all have moments that hit us so hard it takes us a few days to get back up?

While being pregnant with Zoe was hard, I pushed on, then I lost her, I pushed on. I had a terrible time after, but I pushed on. Then I lost two more babies, again, push on. Then, the surgery...push on. This is what needed to be done, because if it wasn't,what would have happened to my children, Dave, me? I wasn't depressed because I didn't have time. But, when I did have a few free moments, believe me, I crashed and hard. But, I picked myself up again.

I think everyone, everyday, battles something. Some bigger than others. One day we will all be stronger because of it. I have decided to throw myself into volunteering, because I am determined to have a reason for losing Zoe. If the doctors can't give me one, I'll give it to myself. I am supposed to help people, because Zoe left us so that I could and would.

So, after my long pause I answered......"I guess at times I was, but I went on, because that is what I had to do."

I know that I haven't won the battle yet, and I know that I never will. I still have things from Zoe's pregnancy that I won't get rid of because I would be getting rid of her. I also know that I am not strong, I am just continuing on, just like everyone else.

It's been a long time

I have some updates and rambles....I guess.

I had my surgery, everything went well,thank goodness. I have my follow up appt soon and I can't help but think they will tell me something bad. I didn't talk with my RE after surgery, just Dave and I just hope he isn't trying to protect me from something he thinks I am not ready to hear yet. He would do something like that, not because he is trying to hurt me, but because he loves me so much and knows what I want to hear to help me through something. I guess we'll see.

On my way to the surgery, I was crying hysterically. I was scared to death. And, for some unknown reason the car ride brought me back to the day that I was on the way to deliver Zoe. For months I blocked that day out, I didn't remember getting in the car, or walking into the hospital......or any of it really. All I remembered was sitting in the bed crying waiting to be brought in. I remembered the kindness of some people....but nothing leading up to it. Until the day of my surgery. It all came rushing back to me, and I couldn't help but to cry,I had obviously blocked it out for a reason I don't know why it happened to come back that day.

I am feeling better now, but if I think about it still I cry. I hope that is ok, I just don't know when it is too long to be crying.

Sending Balloons to heaven......remembering you, Zoe

Yesterday was October 30th, my due date with Zoe. It was a beautiful day, a little gloomy in the morning, but absolutely beautiful by the night. In Ohio you aren't surrounded by much warmth at the end of October, but we had a 73 degree day, with a clear sky and amazing clouds. We blew up balloons, drew pictures for Zoe, talked about how much we missed her, held two crying little girls and went to the beach to send balloons to heaven. Some more tears came as we waited to send Zoe her balloons, the kids stood with Daddy and let go of the balloons. The pulled out over the water and just kept moving into the clouds. Quite an amazing sight actually


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A letter to our sweet Zoe.....

Yesterday was the day you were supposed to come into this world. God had other plans for you. Five months ago we found out that you had passed away and our worlds crumbled. You were wanted and loved by so many already. Your sisters cried for you and begged that you come back, Mommy and Daddy grieved as we planned for your sweet little body to be cremated. It was some of the most difficult days of our lives. Since that day that we lost you, you have had two more siblings to join you and our other angel in heaven. You were chosen for a very big job, to watch over everyone, including Sadie, Paige and Xander. We wish that you could have been with us here, but we are so very blessed to have an amazing you looking over us everyday. We love you Zoe more than we will ever be able to express. You live very strong in my heart.

Fibroid be GONE!

I went and saw my RE again today. I had my Saline Infused Sonogram(SIS) and had 9 tubes of blood drawn. I was really nervous about the SIS, but it turns out it wasn't that bad at all.....quick and painless!

So, the doctor saw the fibroid that is taking up much of my uterine wall, it has shrunk slightly since a month ago when I last had it checked, almost 1cm and has shrunk by half since losing Zoe in May. RE's recommendation is to take it out.

This is an outpatient surgery pending all goes well and bleeding is at a minimum. It requires a 2 inch incision and a 4 week recovery time. Four weeks! Can you imagine, 4 weeks not lifting the kids, or doing strenuous activity!

There are some risks that come along with the surgery, if the bleeding is not under control, they will take my uterus and I will have to have a complete hysterectomy(RE is thinking the chance is low of this because while the fibroid I have is very large, there is only one in there). I will have to most likely have c-sections with any and all future pregnancies because of the risk of uterine rupture.

Dave and I talked about it in length tonight and we think that we are going to go ahead with this surgery. Best case scenerio it comes out and I try again after waiting my two cycles, get pregnant, carry healthy pregnancy to term and welcome a gorgeous baby into this world about 9 months later!! Worst case, I go into to get it removed and end up with a hysterectomy. BUT....if I don't have to surgery, chances are I will lose any pregnancy from now on, it is just not helping my fertility at all. And, another plus is that my periods will be better, no more bleeding through my clothes all the time.

So, there you go, I will go in for surgery in about a month. I have to wait for my next cycle and then it will be scheduled. I need to talk with my OB and figure out who I want to do the surgery. I love my OB, I really do and he said he could do the surgery, he specializes in it, but I like the RE as well, he is a specialist as well, so I just need to decide who I am more comfortable with.

wanting to explain.

There was recently some disagreements all due to my facebook status! Who knew that one opinion/vent would cause so much ruckus! So, because I have this problem where I like to please people, I feel the need to explain something.(I want to thank those of you that came to bat for me, and add that I LOVE my husband!)

I am an intelligent(enough) person, I do research upon research before making any final decisions. I am indecisive most of the time, so when I am making a huge, life altering decision, I think, think again, over analyze, and think a couple more times before coming to a final conclusion.

So, saying that, our decision to think about having another child has been thought about over and over. We have talked to several doctors, all who say that it is not dangerous to my health to continue to try to have another child. We have weighed the pros and cons. We know that another loss would be difficult for us to go through emotionally, and we know that there is a possibility that we will lose another. I know the heartache that goes along with it, while it isn't something that I want I can't say that that is going to stop me from fulfilling our hope and more importantly my children's hope for another child.

When we decided to have children, we decided that I would be with them at home. Since that has happened, my husband and my children have most definitely become my life. I enjoy being with them, they are truly everything to me, so I would never risk, their Mommy, my husband's wife, for a dream that could harm me.

When that day comes eventually where we are able to welcome another baby, seeing the look of joy and love on their faces will be the biggest payoff in the world and will make this all worth it. After all it is about them. That is when everyone will understand why I continue to go through this, the look on the precious little faces of my children and the beauty of a newborn baby!

October 15

Infant and pregnancy loss awareness day. Today is a bittersweet day, I am so happy that there is such a day and that it is nationally recognized, that is an amazing thing. It is very sad though, sad because there are so many women struggling on a daily basis with the loss of their child or children. I want to send love to all of the ladies that I have met through this journey. You are all quite amazing women, your strength in difficult times is absolutely amazing to me. You have lifted me up when I thought I couldn't ever get there. Thank you so very much for all of your love and support. I know that losing our babies is the worst thing in the world, but those tragedies have brought us all together. Love you all.

My first blogger award!!! ***blushing***

I've been given a Blogger award titled "Over The Top" by Rachel, thanks Rachel!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part:
1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your hair? Brown
3. Your mother? work
4. Your father? Home
5. Your favorite food? chinese
6. Your dream last night? None
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? sibling
9. What room are you in? Living
10. Your hobby? crafts
11. Your fear? never
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? sane!
15. Muffins? pumpkin
16. Wish list item? sibling
17. Where did you grow up? here
18. Last thing you did? Type
19. What are you wearing? Clothes
20. Your TV? On
21. Your pets? None
22. Friends? online
23. Your life? Kids
24. Your mood? soso
25. Missing someone? badly
26. Vehicle? Van
27. Something you’re not wearing?clip
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? purple
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
32. Your best friend? Dave
33. One place that I go to over and over? Walmart
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Home

I am passing this award on to...

Sarah
Mary
Cassie
Danielle
Shelley

I feel alone

This is kind of all over the place, so please forgive me...

This month is one that I just assume pass by without any concern for it what so ever, except, of course, for Xander's birthday. Zoe's EDD is coming up, I should be bringing home a brand new sweet baby girl, instead I am contemplating going through testing to see if we will be able to have another child or not. I say contemplating because I still cannot make up my mind what to do. I think I will get ok news, but I keep thinking, what if I don't, what if they tell me, sorry, no more kids for you. I have gone into protection mode and keep telling myself, make the decision for yourself, it will hurt less, if you tell yourself no more. But, who am I kidding? It's not going to hurt less, because it's not what I want.

Through this process, I have lost friends, real life friends, who just don't understand and won't ever understand. They all think I just need to "stop this" and move past it. I have "lied(or at least left out truths)" to family, because I don't want the judgment about what I am doing. I have Dave, and he is wonderful, but there is only so much one man can take. I have online friends, and really thank god for you all because I honestly don't know what I would do without you. You are so wonderful, sometimes though it's hard to type something for support while sobbing the entire time. I feel like I NEED to sob on the phone, to actually feel like I am talking to someone.

One of my fears is that people are going to forget Zoe's EDD and that breaks my heart. If I were still pregnant with her, and hadn't had her by her due date, they would be calling constantly to see where she was.

I don't know the purpose of this, I am just scared, scared of what is to come, what will be said. I feel lost and alone. I want people to be ok with my decisions and not think I am being selfish for wanting another baby. I do want to say that some of you have surprised me, the support that I have gotten from some people is absolutely amazing to me and came from people that I least expected it from, so thank you.

Reproductive Endocrinologist update

I had my appointment yesterday with the RE. With great anxiety I arrived and got ready to met my new doctor. I checked in and gave "my story" I went through the whole thing, twice. The doctor is really great, he isn't my OB, no one is my OB, not quite a personable but still really wonderful and seems to genuinely care. The plan of action is for me to get a hysterosonogram, they insert saline into your uterus and do an ultrasound to see abnormal growths in your cavity. After the u/s I will get blood work done to check our genetics, to make sure that everything is well there. To my surprise, it doesn't matter that I have three healthy children, it is basically a crap shoot with genetics. So, Dave already had his blood work done and I will get mine when I go back. I have to wait for my cycle to arrive and then schedule the appointment.

The doctor did seem pretty confident that whatever the problem might be, they will hopefully be able to fix it. That made me feel good, but I am still going to be honest with myself and know that things could turn out the way that I will not be able to have another child. I am hoping, of course, that is not the case. One more thing, when I go back I am going to be put on progesterone and baby aspirin as well.

So, I will let you all know when I go back for the next appointment, thank you for all of your thoughts.

Not me Monday

Not me Monday, head over to McMama's blog and read all about what everyone did NOT do this week.

I did NOT set off my car alarm Saturday night to stop the boy down the street from playing his drum in my driveway. Then, I did not laugh so hard I was crying when he ran back home as fast as he could, no way....NOT me!

I did NOT eat dozen of cookies this weekend just because they were here and I felt like it...nope, NOT me.

And, finally...I did NOT think it was adorable that Xander "accidentally" peed all over the floor instead of in the potty, but then was upset the next time he did it...NOT me.

Not much

I haven't blogged much lately, I really don't have anything to say. There are alot of things going on in my mind, I have been wondering what people think about me for continuing to try to have another baby. I hate worrying so much what other people are thinking about me. I keep thinking, I must be a bad person, I must have done something, sometime to someone that is causing me to be going through so much pain lately. I hate thinking that way, but what else might it be, you know. So, I have been getting Daily inspirations from God on Facebook.....sounds silly I know, but I got one today and the other day that really hit home. Here is today's.......

"God doesn't create faulty life. No. Everything created by God is perfect, and so are you. So stop driving yourself mad ...with endless ways to improve, and just accept the glory of your being as is."


Stop driving yourself mad with ways to improve.....this is what I need to remember. I thought, if it isn't that I am a bad person, I must be to heavy to carry a healthy pregnancy to term....yes, my mind is crazy but these are my thoughts. I am not a big girl, but could stand to lose a little. I am 5'4" and weigh 146lbs, I figure if I lose another 10 that would be good. So, when I get there and I possibly get pregnant again, what if I lose that one, will I take it to extreme and need to lose another ten....or volunteer for one more project?

This leads me to my next message from God on facebook, it is laughable right, but right now, I feel like I am grasping at straws and I really do feel like these are signs that I need to follow. This Thursday I have a meeting with an RE...Reproductive Endocrinologist. I am going to see if it is ok to get pregnant again, if they can tell me anything at all. I hit a patch of doubt last week, and almost cancelled the appointment. Here is the other message.....

"Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not a...live. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now."

Dave and I sat down and decided to go, with the hopes that we find out something, even if it is not what we want to hear. No more doubt...at least not enough to make me cancel, because I am going to go. My heart knows what is best.

Stay at home moms

This article to me is a funny one, and I love the response that was given by the writer. I once had a friend ask(from her husband) "what does she do all day? She only has two children, how hard could it possibly be to take care of her kids and keep a house clean?" As any stay at home mom knows your day is a crazy one and starts from the minute ......

1. you wake up on your own, you know birds chirping and of course you are in your floor length beautiful white night gown, arms stretched wide, from your night of restful sleep.

or

2. you are awoken to three(in my case) screaming children who are all yelling for something different. This, of course, comes after a night of 5 trips to the potty(2 of which are for yourself, because after all, your bladder is just not what it used to be, since having children) and a few trips to the kitchen because the littlest guy needs duice(water), because he is oh, so, thirsty.

So, the day begins...get up Mom time to start off running. You make sure backpacks are packed, every one's clothes need to be out and showers need to be done. If breakfast is not on the table by 7:15am someone will be screaming CEREALLLLLLLLLLL.....Momma.....CEREALLLLLLLLL!!! This of course is Xander. So, on with the day, lunches packed, I of course am still in my pajamas, and not a beautiful white night gown, it would be an old(at least 3 years) tshirt of Dave's that I threw on the night before. It is now 8:30 and I am running around the house looking for a hair brush, which I finally find at 8:40 get everyone finished and out the door. Sadie arrives at school with 2 minutes to spare.....GO MOM!

After dropping Paige off at school we are leaving and Xander is very enticed by the baptismal font that is calling his name...."come to me Xander, come and splash in my holy water" And, so, he does. I remind him, only one hand Xander, he of course dips both, splashes(just a little) and proceeds to do the sign of the cross with his right hand "fader..son..sprite" then, because the other hand is wet, what else to do but put it in his mouth and suck it off!

Now, off to the store. This is one of Xander's favorites. Into the store and he requests "I walk" Ok, you walk but no touching. So we go through the store, and he of course touches everything and in the bread aisle, this never fails, he touches each loaf and also takes bite out of every fifth bag. We check out, this of course is every child's playground...curse the grocery store people.

After picking up Paige we head home and do lunch. Then I look around the home and see it is a disgusting pig sty. So I start to clean. Anyone with children knows that if you have little ones, particularly two year olds, loading the dishwasher is a 45 minute task. I load, he unloads. Because they are dirty dishes, once he is finished unloading, I have to wash the kitchen floor, because there is dish "juice" all over the floor....ICK.

Time to get Sadie, they love to walk, it's about a mile, and good exercise, so I say, why not?! Once on our way, I realize why not. Because Paige always wears the wrong shoes, trips and hits the sidewalk at least 5 times. Xander is upset because he should be walking, and if he is not he should, at the very least, be holding Paige's hand. The walk takes 20mins, not too bad, right.....that is until we get Sadie, everyone is terribly tired from the walk there so the walk home is 40mins. By the time I arrive at home all I want to do is lie down and sleep, but alas it is time to make dinner.

So, I will not bore you with the rest of the details, you get the idea. But, I will add, that while I am doing all of these tasks, I do give myself some time to go to the restroom, I do however not remember the last time I have done that on my own. Xander usually is joining me. If he is not chattering about how he needs to peepee, he is unrolling all the toilet paper so that Mommy has enough. Also, add in several diaper changes, spilled juice cups, bumped heads, runny noses, scrapped knees and restless(napless) children.

This unmarried, childless women, this is what a stay at home Mom does all day long. So, if you don't receive an email from your friend who sits home and does nothing all day long, while taking care of her children, it is like the article said, she is taking those 5 minutes to close her eyes and reflect on the day. I hope that one day, when you have children, whether you work or stay home, you experience the business of a mother's day, but mostly the joy!

yesterday

was my birthday. It was also the day that I started to lose our babies. They kept saying two sacs but I didn't know what that meant until this nightmare began, now I know that this pregnancy started out as two babies. My worst fear and sadly, that is what happened. It is such a long and drawn out process and still is not over. There is so much pain involved, visually, physically and emotionally.

I have many hopes and dreams this year, I don't know if it's customary to receive more than one wish, but I am going to hope. The are not for me, but just for people I care about.

First and fore most a sibling for my children, something that they ask for often.

For friends, there are so many things going wrong right now, it's like our world is in a tailspin. For my dear friend that her marriage turn out ok and that her husband wake up and stop acting the way that he is. You can't just pick up and walk away from life because it gets to be too much.

That another friend and her new son thrive and she enjoys every little moment of his life, this year is going to be an amazing one and I am so happy that she gets to see and enjoy this year.

For my brother's girlfriend who I hope can find some peace this year after losing her Mom at just 23. I can't imagine how she is feeling, but I will do anything to help her through.

For friends who are pregnant, I wish that their pregnancies are uneventful and that their births are quick and painless! :)

Thank you all for the birthday wishes, love you!

Twists and turns

It's funny how in life you have so many twists and turns and ups and downs. I have known that I wanted children forever. Dave and I both knew that we wanted a large family. I still remember my first positive pregnancy test very well. I remember thinking how easily it happened and being amazed by that. I don't ever remember thinking things wouldn't work out. Each subsequent pregnancy got a little harder, it took a little longer and alot of planning to get pregnant. Then I had my first loss, then I started to worry, every pregnancy after that I completely panicked about everything, worried that something bad was sure to happen, and hoping to God that it didn't.

Now, here is the twist, I just lost another pregnancy this week. I found out the baby had stopped growing and that there was no longer a heartbeat, which we had just seen the week before. I took medication to help myself miscarry. Odd right? You spend all this time praying that you will have a healthy pregnancy and everything will happen accordingly, and then...nine months later you welcome a perfect baby. Now, I find myself praying that I can miscarry this baby naturally(with the help of medicine) and not need a D&C. How backwards is that anyways, ugh. So, the first dose did not work, so far. If it doesn't work by Monday I have to take another dose, if that dose is a no go, I go to surgery. So now I find myself praying for something that I would never really want, but I have not been given the choice.

Such is life.

A follow up

I went back to the OB today for a follow up ultrasound. I was at the radiologist last week, the baby was measuring 5 weeks 6 days, I saw and heard the heartbeat. Today, exactly one week later, I saw a baby still measuring 5 weeks 6 days, but this time with no heartbeat. Again my world comes crumbling down. I must say that I am not terribly surprised that this happened, because, after all it was just too good to be true.

So, after talking it over with my doctor he suggested that I take cytotec. A D&C for me is really a risky thing for me to go through again, there are other factors that come into play with my fibroid. It took me 6 hours to take those 8 little pills, I sobbed the entire time while choking them down. The thought of "helping" the baby miscarry is completely sickening to me. But, the thought of being at Sadie's school to pick her up and something terrible happening there is even more frightening. My poor children do not deserve to see their Mom go through hell.

I have taken the cytotec and I already feel terrible. I don't want to do this, I don't want to see myself lose a baby that I wanted so badly. I don't want to go through this again. I will be ok and I will make it through. But, now again I will have to deal with the guilt. Guilt for not telling everyone.....we should have been screaming from the top of our lungs that we were expecting another baby. Let them know we were scared, yes. But, shouldn't we have just embraced and told everyone of our joy? Who knows. I kept telling myself "don't get too attached, in case something bad happens" Right, how do you not get attached to this beautiful being that is growing inside of you. Guilt for again having to decide to help my baby be removed from me...right now I feel terrible, even though I know I didn't do this.

Now I wait, and hope this already terrible situation doesn't become any worse and things happen as easily as they can. And, here is to hoping that a really shitty 2009 becomes a little brighter before it is over.

Prayers for friends

I would like to reach out to you all and ask from some thoughts and prayers for a couple of friends.

First is a very dear friend who has been so wonderful to me since my losing Zoe. She truly has no idea what she has done for my spirit and for my soul. She lost her dear twins at 17 and 19 weeks, just 5 months ago. Just this weekend, the very same weekend of her twins EDD she found out that a birth mother had chosen her and her husband as adoptive parents. Today, her little boy was welcomed into the world, he is a few weeks early but is expected to be doing well. I am so happy for her and know that this was a special gift from her sweet little angels in heaven.


Second is my friend Danielle and her little girl Maggie. Maggie was delivered last week at just 29 weeks 6 days. She is doing so well right now. Please everyone send prayers that she continues to do well and that her Mommy does ok being away from her. I'm sure it is very hard on her to not be there 24/7. Sending her lots of love and hugs.

Thank you for keeping them all in your thoughts, I know that they will both greatly appreciate it.

So, here is the deal....

I write this, worried that people are reading it that I don't want reading it. I worry that I have "unknown" readers. But, I want the people dear to me to know what is going on. Because I need you all, I need your support, your love and your prayers. We found out three weeks ago today that we are expecting another baby. We were charting to not become pregnant and low and behold here we are with another little one on the way.

The amount of emotions running through me at times, are extremely hard to comprehend. I am excited, I can't believe this happened and happened easily, quickly and without trying. I am scared out of my mind. I don't think that I can bear another devastating blow, like losing Zoe. I am grateful, that I(we) were given this chance again, to be blessed with such a wonderful miracle. I have guilt, because I don't want anyone to think that Zoe's memory is any less to me now that I am expecting another baby. I feel like I am doing her a disservice in a way by being excited about this new baby. But, I am hoping that this baby is a gift from her and from God.

So, the last week has been full of ups and downs, frights and smiles. I went in on Tuesday for my first ultrasound. My OB who is truly a wonderful man had me come in after hours to have the ultrasound and see what we see. He found two sacs, but nothing in the sacs. I, of course, immediately started to cry, because what was I supposed to do now. He sent me for some blood work and told me to call in the morning. My hcg level came back at 9000, wow! So he wanted me to go to a radiologist and get an exstentsive 4D ultrasound with a tech. After two long hours of seeing nothing on the ultrasound, the tech was ready to give up. And, she said...let me try one more thing. She pressed hard on the top part of my belly and there it was, the most beautiful thing you will ever see. A beautiful baby, in a beautiful sac, with a beautiful heartbeat. And, another sac that is still empty. Seeing such a beautiful thing sent me crying the happiest tears. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I am measuring perfectly at six weeks along. After lying there on the table for so long I started to think....maybe there is nothing there. It was a feeling of relief, joy and pure happiness.

So, I waited last night for the call from my OB to read me the results. He told me that there was a beautiful baby, with a beautiful heartbeat. Then he told me that there is blood around the baby. Again, I sank, I'm sure that this is me being scared of every possibility of what can happen. He is going to see me every week and do ultrasounds to watch everything, the blood pocket, the baby, the fibroid and make sure that the growth is what it should be. I am scared and am praying that this works out and that we bring home a beautiful, healthy baby in a few months.

Last night I was feeling sorry for myself. Wishing that I could just have an easy pregnancy, I will take the sickness, terrible sickness. But, I just wish that everything else could be easy. I know that I have three beautiful children and I am beyond grateful for them, but I want this baby so badly as well. And, I would like him here safely and without tons of worry. The reality is that I am blessed to even be in this position. I will take all that comes at me with a smile on my face. I hope that when I have rough moments I will remember that there is a precious miracle inside of me that needs me to stay strong. So, that is what I am going to try to focus on. And, when times get rough for me, I am just going to tell myself to remember to breathe, because that is all that is going to get me through.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We are so looking forward to this baby and to what the next nine months bring. Please pray that everything will go perfectly and that we continue to see that beautiful heartbeat that I saw yesterday. My next appointment is Wednesday the 9th at 3:45pm eastern time. Remember us then.

Thank you all for your support for the last few months and for your continued support, it really means the world to me.

Today...

I have decided to stay positive.....at least for the next 3 hours or so. Once I hit three hours I am going to again be positive for the next 48 or so hours. I have a million thoughts running through my head, both good and bad. But, I am choosing to focus on the good. I have to, because if I don't I may go crazy. I am tired, and overwhelmed and sick. BUT, all is going to be ok!

Please keep the prayers coming

today was not was what I was hoping/expecting it to be. If you would all just keep me in your thoughts a little while longer. Tomorrow I hope to have a little bit of an idea of what is going on. Thank you.

I need some thoughts and prayers please...

This upcoming week I have something very important happening, I am hoping that you all can think of me a little bit and send some thoughts or prayers my way. Please know that I will greatly appreciate them and I will let you all know very soon what is going on. Thank you for all of your support thus far, it mean so much to me. Love you.

Not my Child...Monday

Head over to McMama's blog and read about the things that our children did NOT do this week!

I'm not sure how I could possibly fill up an entire blog about what my children have NOT done. They after all are perfect angels....of course! But, I shall try! I will warn you most will be about sweet little Xander's because after all he is almost two and is a boy.


I did NOT catch my rotten sweet little Xander scooping up water with a little cup and drinking it.....out of the toilet.

He then did NOT take another cup of the said toilet water and throw it all over his sisters, all while laughing hysterically..of course!

It is NOT Xander's favorite thing in the world to take off his diaper and throw it across the room.

Sadie did NOT read the newspaper to her Uncle because he insisted that you couldn't read something that difficult. Then she did NOT say, see I told you I could.

Paige did NOT tell her sister yesterday that there are two babies in our house, Xander and Zoe. Then she did NOT say, don't forget about Zoe(how sweet!).

Xander did NOT run to the car and get in before anyone else, sit down in Sadie's seat and say "haha...Sa-ie!" NOT sweet little Xander!

So, like I said, it's impossible to say what my children did NOT do, because they are the best!

Conflicted

I'm truly conflicted lately. I have alot of really good things going on in my life right now. Great things that are making me happy. But, everytime I feel that happiness come up I feel terrible that I am not a little more sad for Zoe. I miss her, I do...terribly. But, I am happy and wanting to be excited for all of the things that are coming.

Today I was doing well, we went to my brother's college graduation and there was the girl. You know the one that I have talked about before, she is pregnant and due just 4 days after I was with Zoe. Immediately I have sadness came over me. While there still are these wonderful things going on in my life, I have the confliction of being happy, but missing Zoe at the same time.

I don't know what is the right way to feel. I know that all these feelings are valid, I just wish it was a little easier to cope with and comprehend.

All about Zoe's life

This is Zoe's story, for the blog Say it with Flowers. It was asked if you recieved a flower, would you like to share your story. I did receive a beautiful flower for Zoe and I would love to share Zoe's story. I want everyone to know what a beautiful blessing she was to our entire family.

On February 15, 2009 I took a home pregnancy test, we found out to our delight and surprise that we were expecting! We have three earth children and one angel and we so very excited and nervous about this newest surprise! Our first appointment was at 6 weeks 4 days, we went in and my OB started the ultrasound, we watched with big eyes for that beautiful heartbeat to appear on the screen. There is really not much better in the world than to see that little flicker on the screen(the only thing better is hearing the heartbeat). My OB warned us that our risk of miscarriage is increased until 9 weeks, but that everything looked good. I scheduled an appointment to be right at 9 weeks and went home!

A few days later at 7 weeks 1 day, I started to become very ill, this is normal for me. I always get sick during pregnancy, but this sickness hit much harder. I was having a hard time keeping much of anything down. Five hospital stays later and after a 20lb weight loss, my OB decided that it would be best to go on home health care. That much dehydration was not good for my body and couldn't continue on that way. So, April 2, 2009 a nurse came to my home and placed an IV that would give me continuous fluids for 72 hours. She also trained me to place needles in my legs to continuously have Zofran going into my body to help with the sickness. The needles had to be changed every 6 hours, I had bruises up and down my legs from the constant medication. And, I carried around a pump that was over my shoulder which pushed the medication. I continued to lose weight, we tweaked medications until I ended up with a mixture of Zofran, phenerghan, reglan and benedryl. That combination finally began to work. I was on a special diet where I ate meals every two hours and my calorie intake was much higher than usual. I was feeling ok and began to gain a little bit of weight back, slowly but surely.

During this time I still continued to have routine appointments, every three weeks. My belly continued to grow, we found out at just over 13 weeks that our baby looked like a baby girl, not a hundred percent but he thought so. Our appointments all went well, things keep getting better, I was gaining weight, started to feel ok. Then at about 15 weeks I started having some pain, what felt to me like contractions, I went into the doctor the baby was fine, heart beating away on the screen. They said it was probably fibroid pain and it would probably continue because the baby was pushing up on the fibroid. OK! The next week at 16 weeks, I had my routine appointment. I told everyone that I had a bad feeling about the appointment, something just felt uneasy. I went in, he used the doppler to find the heartbeat and there was nothing. He said to just sit tight for a few minutes and we would do an ultrasound, as I laid there on the ultrasound table I knew that this day would be forever imprinted on my mind. Because, today, May 15, 2009 was NOT going to turn out the way that I wanted it to. He put the wand on my belly and there was our beautiful baby, with no heartbeat. It was heartbreaking, my OB didn't know what to say, I saw him scrambling. Finally I said, there is nothing there?!? He answered "I am so very sorry" My world came crashing down around me...tumbling down. There were a million things going through my mind, I was hysterical. I knew I had to call my husband, but how? How do you call someone who wanted this baby just as badly as you did and tell them that the baby was no more.

That weekend was a long one for me, I came home that evening and got right into cleaning, because what else was I to do. The thoughts of telling my children that there little baby we had been talking about had not survived rang through my mind. Such little innocent children had to find out this terrible thing that can happen. Dave and I sat them down and explained to them that their little baby got sick in Mommy's belly and couldn't fight being sick and so the baby had died. My heart truly sank, to see that look on their faces, and to answer the questions. "Mommy, didn't you love the baby" "Mommy, will I still get to meet the baby" "Mommy, why is your belly so big if the baby didn't live" While those questions, and answers, came hard to me, I had to think of how they felt.

My daughter was graduating from preschool that weekend, and I knew that I couldn't not go to the graduation. While I tried to get ready I sat on the bed crying because I didn't know how to dress. Sounds so silly now, but at the time it was huge. I had this beautiful pregnant belly, with this beautiful little being inside who was no longer alive. But, I went and I survived, that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

That following Tuesday May 19, 2009 I went in to have a D&E. Ironically it was exactly 10 weeks after our first beautiful appointment. This was the hardest day for me, I felt as if I was chosing for Zoe to be taken from me, like I was giving up on her. I was so very grateful to many people during my stay there, they were wonderful. While there we planned on were to send Zoe to be cremated, set up an appointment for Dave to go and talk to the Funeral Home director. The D&E seemed to go off well, I went to recovery 45 minutes after the start of the surgery. While in recovery I was not feeling well at all, dizzy, nauseous and all around crummy. That is when I fainted, they got me up and my BP was bad, really very low. They decided to admit me to monitor me. That evening I fainted again and was in terrible pain. It was found out that the blood was moving back into my uterus and I would need an emergency D&C. I went into surgery and they removed 2 litres of blood from my uterus. Again in recovery I was feeling better, I was given a blood transfusion of two bags and was getting a little bit of energy back. The next evening I was released, again I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I didn't want to leave the hospital, I was leaving my little girl. It was hard, very, very hard.

It has been 3 months since we lost our little girl, since then we have done things that I would have never thought that I would have to do. We have had our little sweet baby cremated, and had to pick up her ashes and bring them home, they are in a beautiful, little purple velvet bag. We have had to plan a memorial service, something small, but we want Zoe's ashes blessed. We named a little girl that we would never see in person, but her name has great meaning and fits her wonderfully. Zoe meaning "life" and Eliana meaning "God has answered" God answered our want to have another child, and blessed us with the short life of little Zoe.

We have grown alot as people, as parents, as a couple. While I would have never wished for this to happen, I was extremely blessed to have had Zoe as our little girl for the brief time that we did. At the time, while going through the pregnancy, I thought it was such a difficult process, but now, looking back, I realize that that all was part of the process. The beautiful process of bringing life into this world. I have met wonderful, caring people along the way, and heard stories of heartbreak and stories of hope in the process. These experiences in my life are what have made me, me. We will never know why we lost little Zoe, and it may always be a part in my mind, but I will always know that Every life, no matter how short or small, is a beautiful one and a complete blessing.

Changes

Changes.....there have been alot of changes over the last three months, it's amazing.

~I have changed as a mother in many ways. I have always been appreciative for what I have. I know I'm beyond blessed, but I know even more so now.

~I have changed as a person, I think that I am more compassionate to others now. I have always tried to be a nice person. I think that if you try hard enough you will always find the good in someone. And, if you try hard enough you will see that everyone is hurting in some way, kindness toward them may help....try and and see what happens. I have met many people through this process who have helped with this change, had I not met them that change may not have been so big.

~I have changed as a wife, I knew that I had a wonderful husband, but I guess I didn't see that he is an amazing spirit, a strong soul and truly my best friend. There is no better choice in the world for me. Our relationship has grown stronger through heart ache, so for that I am thankful. Otherwise, I may have never seen the amount of love that I could give him or that he could give me.

~I am strong. Through this entire process I have thought that I was truly the weakest person alive. I was sad, broken, beaten down, and there was no bringing me back. But, I realized that I am strong, I did and continue to "do" this. And, while doing this, there was alot of other loss in my friends and families lives and I did the best I could to help them. I wouldn't have known I was strong and continued to be strong if it weren't for my friends constantly telling me how strong I was, it took me a while to see it, but I got there.

One thing to leave you all with, because I saw someone comment on it. And, I have been told this myself. When a child is conceived, no matter how long they were here, they are blessing. To the mother, father, brother's and sister's, those babies were and still are huge blessings. Always remember that!

Summer is coming to an end...

I can't believe that summer is almost over, in just two short weeks, my girls are starting school again. That makes me sad, I am not one of those moms who are glad to see their kids go back to school, it chips a little piece away from my heart, actually. But, they love it, so that makes me happy! I wanted to share some pictures with you of our last few weeks of summer. Which included swimming lessons, fun at the park, lots of pool time and of course lots of fun at the beach!

I had a break through...

Please try not to laugh, though I do now about it, so I guess a little snicker is ok, bear with me.....this is what happened a few nights ago.

I completely felt as if I was going crazy, really. I was a raving lunatic(to my husband, but really I was). Everything got to me, if Dave didn't smile when he walked in the door, he of course, didn't love me anymore. I mean, how could he? haha..sort of! So one night after having crying fits throughout the entire day. I told Dave I needed a few minutes. I calmed myself down went and locked myself in my bedroom, armed with a phone and my laptop. I looked up the phone number to Horizon Health, they are the mental health insurance through Dave's company. I picked up the phone and called, I was calm. A sweet southern girl(from Texas actually) she answered.

She asked "How may I help you?"
I replied "I think I need someone to talk to, but I really have no idea where to start"
"Well" she says..."Do you have any children?"
"Yes, I do" I reply
"ok" she says "First, I must ask, do you feel like harming yourself or your children?"
"No!" I reply(that must be good, right, I think to myself!)
"Good" she says"do you feel as if you are in harm because of anyone in your home?"
Again, I reply "No!"
"Ok, well can you tell me what is going on that you feel you need to talk to someone?" she goes on to tell me that she is a licensed therapist and would love to help me in anyway and would point me in the right direction.
This is when I completely break down, I mean snot dripping, red faced, hysterically crying.....BREAK DOWN. I tell her "I lost.....(sniff, sniff) a baby.....(huff, huff) a few weeks ago....(sniff, sniff)
She pauses for a moment(I imagine I caught her off guard, I'm sure when she answered the phone she was NOT expecting me....the crazy lady on the other end) and says "I am so very sorry" "Can I ask what happened"
So, through my tears, my sniffs and my huffs, I explained it to her. The whole thing, the pregnancy, how hard I thought it was, the guilt when it ended, the long recovery, then at the end.....I let out a huge sigh of relief and my crying was over.

The next day I called my OB and told him how I was feeling, I talked to him for over an hour. I told him that I was still sad and was that normal? He told me that my loss, was one of the saddest he had been through as a doctor(with the exception of losing at baby at term, which I completely agreed with), because there truly was nothing wrong, at all, no warning what so ever. And, then he said the magic words, YOU ARE NORMAL!

I am NORMAL, that is what I needed to hear. I needed to talk to the sweet girl from Texas and cry to her and tell her everything. I needed her to understand and to sympathize with me. I needed to talk to my OB, again, so he could tell me that it was ok for me to still be sad, as long as I was getting up on a daily basis and out of the house I was doing well. That is what I needed. And, that day, I JUMPED over a hurdle. I felt better, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Yesterday, Dave told me that he was proud of me, I was doing so well. He saw me again, the real me, not a robot me, or a fake me, to make it seem I was ok. We laughed and I thanked him for being who he is, luckily we haven't had huge struggles with this loss, he has been amazing and he understood it all and held my hand the entire way through.

Please don't think I am making light of any of this, because I'm not, but sometimes you have to add a little laughter to such a heavy process. I am actually feeling better, for that I am really thankful. That does not mean that tomorrow I won't have an off day, or that three months from now I won't be hit so hard that I will cry the entire day. I know that there are hard times to come, Zoe's EDD will be here at some point and that is not going to be an easy day for me, I'm sure. It doesn't mean that I have gotten over every part of it, that I am ready to go back to church and deal with that part of the loss. But, I have a little bit of peace with losing her and I know that she is part of the reason that I am feeling OK right now! Thank you for reading!

Selfish...maybe?

I go back and forth between feeling ok, feeling happy, feeling sad, feeling overwhelmingly sad. One feeling that never changes, no matter what, without fail, I want another baby.... It is a aching feeling that rages through my entire body. I hate that I am not pregnant anymore. I hate that my last chance may have been taken from me. I know it might be selfish....I have three children, healthy children. Some say, I haven't had the same fertility struggles as others. That may be true, but I feel like I have had struggles, different though, maybe.

I know that maybe it hasn't been long and I shouldn't rush things, but I just want Dave to tell me that we can have another baby.....that's all. I know that he needs time, and I don't want to have another baby to replace Zoe, but it is such hard thing to have children at the age of understanding of losing their little sister. I just wish that I could tell them without fail that they will have another sibling.

If you think I am be selfish, by all means, let me know.

Because I don't say it enough

AND...I want the world to know. I love my husband. He is amazing, he is a wonderful husband, a better father and my absolute best friend. I wanted to just post of few pictures of him at his best!

Check this out!!

I am a follower of a blog called brillant blossoms, she makes hair clips, head bands all beautiful handmade pieces. I was the monthly winner and recieved the hair clips yesterday! My girls absolutely love them, they are so adorable and made so well. So, please enjoy these pictures and be sure to check out her blog, they are reasonably priced and you won't see anything like them anywhere else, beautiful!!

A couple of things...

~First I have spoken to my priest and they have agreed to do the memorial service for Zoe. He said that at some point she will need to be buried, and she will......at some point. That may not be for 30 years, but it will happen. Dave and I have to decide if we want to have a full mass or just a smaller service, right now we are leaning towards a smaller service. Hopefully we will have everything planned and the service will be held within the next month or so.

~I have learned, with every ignorant,wait, mind puzzling thing,(I don't want to offend), there is a much brighter better thing waiting to pick you up. I frequent chat boards. Mostly boards about pregnancy loss. I came across one on thebump.com and it was a little shocking to me. So, I of course replied. While some people agreed with me, there was one lady who replied to me and said "And, please, just because some people have had losses and/or hard time conceiving doesn't mean that everyone else has to be 100% excited about everything in pregnancy. That just doesn't make sense. " Holy cow did that get my blood boiling. I may have completely overreacted but my goodness. So, I of course posted on facebook to see what the response would be, it was in my favor(she raises her arms to cheer herself on). So, I will say it had me a little down, because it's hard to believe their is such rudeness in the world, she obviously has never had a loss, I hope that she never knows what it feels like. BUT, with that thing that had me down, I recieved a wonderful email from a very kind and wonderful person, who did something very special for me. It means the world to me. It's people like that, and people like the creators of Say it with flowers, Carly Dudley and the people at NILMDTS, these are the people who let you know that their is alot of good in the world. These are the people I strive to be like.....I hope that somewhere, someway, I am helpful to someone....even if it is just one person.

Say it with Flowers~Rory's garden

Yet another wonderful person doing beautiful things for bereaved parents. This is Zoe's name written on a flower, in Rory's Garden. I think it is absolutely beautiful and am grateful to have found such wonderful ministries that have given me these gifts. If you would like more information about Rory's Garden the link is on the side of my page.

The Secret Garden Meeting~July

This is a blog post to talk about the Secret Garden Meeting, it is a place for families of loss to come together. It is a place to give hope to families and give you a chance to share your story.

Here are the questions for the month of July and my answers.

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

~When I lost my first baby, I didn't have many dreams about him, I thought about him often and always wondered what he looked like, but I always came back to seeing the u/s over and over again.
Now with losing Zoe, I dream of her often, at first my dreams would play those days over and over in my mind. The day of finding out that I lost her, and the days leading up to losing her. After a couple of weeks, I did finally dream of Zoe, I saw her she was around the age of two or three, she was wearing a beautiful white dress and she had curly blondish/brown hair. I called for her to come to Mommy, sadly I have never seen her face. I hope that she comes back to me soon in my dreams and I long for the day that I see her precious little face. I also watch the sun, there are those days when the sun is perfect, the clouds are covering it and the sun is peaking through. You see the rays shining down to the ground, it reminds me of heaven shining down on you. For me, it always happens to come when I most need the warmth of her love.

What did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancies?

~After I lost our first pregnancy, I just remember being overjoyed but scared to death of my newest pregnancy. My first was an early one, I was eight weeks along so I kept telling myself that once I got past that point everything would be perfect with the baby. It was and I welcomed a beautiful little boy. With my pregnancy with Zoe, I lost her much later in the pregnancy, I am not pregnant again......I hope that if I am blessed with another pregnancy that I can enjoy the pregnancy without being scared.

Zoe...in the sand

When I put in the request to have Zoe's name written in the sand I never imagined that it would be as beautiful as it is. It is absolutely breathtaking. When I saw it tears immediately started flowing and chills went down my spine. I have never seen a sunset quite so amazing. I know that I will never be able to repay Carly for the amazing gift that she gives grieving Mothers and Fathers, I hope that she knows what an amazing soul she is and that she is an angel on earth.