Making a little girls birthday special again.

This year I want to make Paige's birthday a special one. Last year just 7 days before her birthday she found out that her little sister had died. Just the day before her birthday I had just gotten out of the hospital because of problems that I was having.

I remember her birthday so well last year. I remember her continuing to ask why her sister wasn't in my tummy any more. I remember her asking if I still loved the baby or was that why she left. I remember her asking why I was sad. I remember her asking why she couldn't have her a big birthday party. I remember the entire family talking about how hard this will be on them.

This year I want her birthday to be special, it's just 3 weeks away now. That's hard to believe. We are going to go to a local tea parlor and have a tea party with her friends! I know that she doesn't remember that she lost her sister near her birthday. But, I will never forget, because I lost one daughter and disappointed another. I hope this birthday is a special one.

An unpopular opinion, I'm sure

I frequent a few message boards and consistency you always see is the following comments regarding pregnancy loss:

"God chose for this to happen"

"God saw that your weren't ready and took the baby"

"God took the baby because you wouldn't have wanted a baby with problems"

"The Lord wanted it that way"

"He will decide when the time is right, we have no control over that"

Ok, so I believe in God, after everything that happened last year, I will admit I had a very hard time going back to church. I didn't go for a very long time because I was angry. I had that thought that I must have done something wrong in life for this to have happened to me. I was in a sense being punished for my "sins".

I have since then realized that that, is ridiculous. I get angry when someone tells me that God was the one that decided I shouldn't have my children. Why would someone who is supposed to be wonderful, look out for people and performed miracles(by the bible) chose to break someone so badly by taking their child from them. I cannot accept that as any kind of answer for anything.

If God didn't want me to have Zoe, why take her half way through the pregnancy, why not just stop it before it happened. If he didn't want me to have my twins and our other angel, why allow me to become pregnant in the first place just to break my heart 8 weeks later.

For anyone who is really religious and believes all of these things, it does not help a grieving Mother if you tell her that God didn't think she was ready. It makes her question herself, her life, her love and her faith. Why add more heartbreak to an already terrible situation?

Due date

Today is my due date with our twins. I know that I would have had them by now and I wonder how life would have been with them here. They were with me for such a short amount of time and I missed out on everything in the pregnancy.

It's hard to believe so much time has passed. I miss them.

I do find a little comfort that they have a sister and another angel sibling to be with, since I can not be.

Generosity

For the last six weeks or so we have been doing fundraising for our March of Dimes walk. For the last six weeks or so, I have been completely overwhelmed and amazed by the wonderful comments, supportive thoughts and prayers and the generosity of our family and friends.

We could have never imagined that we would surpass our goal of $1500, but we have. It is because of amazing people that I met on this journey four years ago, and because of family who were there with us during our most difficult year.

We will never be able to show or tell anyone how much we appreciate all of the support that we have received. I can only hope that I have done only a fraction for you all that you have done for me the last few weeks.

Again, thank you so much for your generosity. You will all be in our thoughts tomorrow when we walk for our sweet girl Zoe and all of your babies who were born early. The babies who are thriving today and the babies who are bouncing with Zoe in the clouds. Thank you....from the bottom of my heart.

Strangest, Grossest pregnancy announcement

via Facebook, of course. This may be because I am jaded and grumpy right now, but here is a pregnancy announcement.....this was the day she got the BFP.

So from the due date calculator online it looks like we are do christmas day, which is perfect since we conceived on easter, lol... so we fertilized my easter egg and will be giving the gift of life for christmas!

So, is this me being a little crabby or is this too much informations and slightly strange?

Competition

I wish I knew why people had to make everything in life a competition. It's really getting difficult for me to deal with. Many of the things that I have been doing have been for Zoe, for my children, for Dave and for myself. It's a healing process for all of us. I know that it isn't going to make things easy, but it certainly makes it easier.

Here's the thing, you don't want to be me, you don't want to deal with the things that I have dealt with the last two years. I wouldn't change my life at all, but it has been a daily struggle to go on and to understand why all of these things were happening.

Please understand I know how blessed we are, we are so happy for the blessings we have received. But, for someone to follow in every foot step and want to do every.single.thing. I do, it's too much. And to compare your situation to mine is wrong, it can't be compared, ever. I don't have my daughter, I didn't get the chance to hold her. I don't know if this is easier, I don't want to know, all I know is that there is no comparison. I have not had a baby early and seen the struggles they go through, but you have never had to decide what to do with your childs ashes.

I just would like a little break, please.

Onto cycle 3 or 17

Cycle number 2 was also a bust. I'm completely bummed, or angry whichever you want to use. So today started a new one, hopefully this month brings me something good. Thanks for all of the support so far, I appreciate it more than you know.

Are you worried about the society

in which your children are being raised in?

Raise.your.hands.

That was the question raised by our Priest at the First Communion, Jesus Day today. There were many people that raised their hands. Then it was opened up for feedback.

Here are the reasons people are upset with society.

"My child is disrespectful"

"My child only thinks about what he/she needs"

"Every song and TV show is focused on sex"

"children are mean to one another"

There were many more that were said, but these were the ones that stood out to me. The Priest commented on all of the examples listed. He told us that that is why it is so important that we come to Mass and instill morals in our children and families. Come weekly and it is the only way that your children will not be bogged down by society.

I disagreed with most of these examples. I too, raised my hand. But, not for these reasons.

I feel like society is a bad place because of the parents not being parents, which in turn causes children who are disrespectful. Parents a lot of times are not interested in disciplining their children. I have been to public play places and there are children who will pounce all over mine and their parents say absolutely nothing. So, if you are not going to instill these things.....respect, thinking of others, then they aren't going to do it. If there is sex in every TV show and song, I must be missing it because I don't see that to be the case.

disappointed in myself

I have never really been a person who is bothered by other pregnant women. Even when I have been going through the things that I have. But, lately the feeling is overwhelming. I love hearing of other peoples pregnancies, I am genuinely excited for them and will tell them so. But after, I feel broken.

Then there is the guilt from feeling broken. Do I really have a right to feel that way? I mean I do have children so is it right of me to even think that way? I hate feeling broken, it isn't me, but I have changed so much in the last year.

I feel discouraged right now, I didn't even have that bad of an appt yesterday, but hearing that there was another fibroid, I will be honest, scares me. They told me they would come back, I had no idea it would be as quickly as it was.

I don't mean this like I don't want to hear about all of your pregnancies, because I do, I love it actually. I just need to work through this and I'll be fine. Thank you for listening.

Doctor appointment update

I had my annual appt today, along with a hey...what is going on with my crappy body appt.

It was quite eventful. While sitting in the waiting room, there was a girl....she was 18. She asked how old I was, so after replying, I returned the question.....thus, her being 18. And, good news, I DO NOT look 30!!! I look to be her age and in high school! Then she asked why I was there, I told her it was my annual, I didn't think she wanted the entire history of me losing several pregnancies. She told me of her Mom who had a baby 4 years ago, she called her from the hospital and told her she had a baby. She never knew she was pregnant.....insane, so strange.

I was finally called in after my 20 minute convo with the girl in the waiting room. The nurse do the usual, BP, urine dip, weight. Then, are you ready for it?......................................

"So, how's the baby?"

me....."uh, blablablablabla....the baby? I lost the baby"

her...."oh, so sorry, I didn't read the chart, I just saw the u/s pictures, so sorry, oh no" "but, you are doing ok emotionally, right?!

me......"uh, yeah, I'm fine" what I was thinking....I was doing ok, until you just asked me how my baby was that isn't with me.

Doc comes in, thank god for him because he is a nice normal guy, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't go there.

So here's the appt update. I have another fibroid, it isn't large, about 2 cm. His hope and thought right now is that it won't interfere with anything. There, of course, is a chance that it will grow and probably will with a pregnancy. But, it isn't near the birth canal or any where near the size the other one was so those are both good things. If I do become pregnant again I do have to have a c-section. With the size of the incisions, especially the internal one there is a high risk of uterine rupture and the baby would not survive, that is all I needed to hear. He said that I will likely be scheduled at least 3 weeks before my edd, maybe 4 weeks.

He thinks the reason for the heavy bleeding may be the progesterone or that in combo with the heavy bleeding that I have always had. So, I can keep taking it at 3 dpo or I can start if I get a BFP. I'm not sure which I will do yet.

I may just see him instead of going to the RE first, I am more comfortable with him and he agreed to see me once a week, even twice if I wanted. There is nothing they(either of them) can do if I am going to lose the baby and it really is just for monitoring, so I may do that. But, I'm not sure yet.

He also said he thinks there are pregnancies in my future.........

An updated chart

I'm not putting a whole lot of warrant into this because of the progesterone. But, I do like what it looks like and I am hoping that it's something. We will see, just a few more days!

Ten things you might not know about me

I have seen this going around friends blogs, so I thought I would take a stab at it.

* When I was younger, I used to be a pitcher for a softball team, I was really good, but often got hurt. One that really sticks out in my mind is getting a line drive to the mouth.

*I will do anything for anyone, anything. If I can do it, it's yours.

*I try to be the kindest person I can be, I don't like to see people hurting and will do anything within my power to make that better.

*My husband is the only man I have ever kissed.

*When I was in Junior High School I was in a Show Choir..........I can sing, but I am the most uncoordinated dancer, ever.

*I am terribly insecure about most everything about myself.

*I wanted to be a chef and was accepted to culinary school, but my parents didn't want me going away.

*I cannot go in tight spaces, even elevators, I start to panic.

*My good friend in high school hated me when I started dating Dave and made my life a living hell. I worry about my daughters and mean girls.

*Being pregnant again scares me....alot.

Do you feel like you know me better now?!? :)

"Best" friends

Recently, especially over the last year or so this term has meant very little to me. I have a "best" friend. One that I would do anything for, and do. I have done more things than I can count, but for me it's worth it because after all, she is my "best" friend.

But, a "best" friend relationship should go both ways, shouldn't it? It started when I had Xander and she did not come to the hospital because she didn't want to bother me. So I sat by myself most of the time because I had other children who needed Daddy. I was really hurt and upset by that but I got over.

Then I lost Zoe, hands down the worst year of my life. I needed support and love from everywhere, especially my "best" friend. So we have our March for Babies walk coming up in the next couple of weeks. She hasn't signed up to walk with me, so I asked her if she was going to walk.

She told me she didn't think so..........yes, she said probably not. She doesn't know if she has the time. She doesn't know if her husband will want to do it because he won't be able to run. I read this as, she isn't going to be there to support me. This may be wrong of me, this may be selfish of me to expect her there. But, I do. I expect her there. I think that is what friends are supposed to do for each other. I don't really care if her husband wants to or not, she should come on her own.

So, just venting I guess, I wish that she would be there, but I am sort of feeling now that I don't want her there. If she doesn't think it's important then maybe I don't need her.

The stomach flu

It's an awful, awful thing! Friday Sadie started with it, it then progressed to Paige...then to Dave....then to Xander. I got relatively lucky, just a little tummy ickiness. Now, holy moly, I feel so sick. Luckily with everyone else it seemed to be a 12 hour thing, I can only hope that is what this is as well.

This cycle

I know that everyone is so interested in my charts....so here it is :). I ovulated early this month, I think. Even with our flu stricken household we suffered :P through! So I hope our timing hits, though I'm slightly concerned, we'll see!