Today

I am sad....sad about so many things..

~sad because I don't have Zoe anymore, not in the way that I want her.

~sad because the people I need to understand, don't understand.

~sad because I am overwhelmed and I hate to be that way, I like to be in control of myself and my feelings, and I'm not...at all.

~sad because I have lost myself in my sadness and that is a hard thing to face.

~sad because I am planning a memorial service and not a baptism to have Zoe blessed.

~sad because I want to add another baby to our family, and my girls ask me everyday, but I have to face the reality that that will probably never happen.



I am tired...

~tired physically, because I don't sleep....ever

~tired emotionally because I miss my little girl.

~tired of people not understanding

~tired of being told that I am perceiving things differently than they are happening.

~tired of our families

~tired of ignorance

~tired of my mind always racing, it never stops, there are so many things going through my mind that I honestly can't think straight and always second guess myself.

Angry...

~angry that there are so many sad things going on in the world, so many losses, new ones each day. Women losing their babies at all stages in pregnancy, it's heartbreaking. Sweet little Stellan who is so little and so weak right now and just needs a break.





~angry that my body sucks and there is nothing I can do about it, I have NO control.

~angry with myself for not being able to let things go and to just feel ok with things.

~angry that this pregnancy was taken from me and I may never be pregnant again and that is not my choice.

~angry because I am planning a memorial service that I feel I won't be able to grieve at because I will be judged the entire time by everyone there because I am still sad two months later.

But, I am blessed...

~blessed with my children, all of them, including Zoe. They are wonderful, they amaze be everyday, they love me unconditionally and they show me on a daily basis.

~blessed to have people that I have never met in real life actually care for me, text me, call me, email me to see how I am doing.

~blessed to have met Nicole, she is amazing, helpful and sweet. She is truly a kind hearted person who I think deserves the world.
And Tawnya, who makes sure she checks on me on a daily basis, even though she has her own very important things going on. She helped me through some rough times during my pregnancy and I hope she knows that I love her for everything she has done for me.
For Christy, who sent me a book about loss, because she was thinking about me two months after it happened, she still remembered that I was grieving.
For Laura who also checks on me several times a week, just to send me some hugs and to tell me that she is thinking of me and she knows just when I need them.

~blessed that even though I only had Zoe in my belly for a short amount of time, it meant the world to me, I would do anything to have that back if even for a moment.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...

Have you heard of this wonderful organization? They take photos for families whose children do not survive after birth. There are over 3500 photographers who volunteer their time to take photos for families free of charge. I contacted them today and am going to be volunteering for the organization. I do not take photos, but I am going to be a Parent Coordinator, I will be talking with nurses at local hospitals and connecting the families with local area photographers. I'm really glad that I found this organization, I have heard many beautiful things about them and I think it will be therapeutic for me to help families who are going through a loss. Here is a little bit of information about it if anyone is interested.

www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com

"There is no footprint to small
that it cannot leave
a lasting imprint
on our hearts"

To write their names in sand..

To write their names in sand is a wonderful memorial site that is a completely free service to people who have lost children. The woman that does the writing of children's names in the sand is Carly Marie Dudley, she lost her little boy Christian and the idea came to her in a dream one night. I don't know if Carly realizes the amazing gift that she is giving grieving parents, but what she does is truly a gift and she is a blessing to so many.


I sent a request for Zoe's name today. I can't wait to get it, I want to blow it up and put the photo with the rest of the kid's pictures. While I can't have Zoe's beautiful, sweet little face in a photo, I can have this wonderful memorial to her. I will share it with you all when I get it.

Planning the memorial service...

I took the plunge and called the church to get the memorial service planning started. To my surprise they told me that they were unsure if they would be able to bless Zoe's ashes. Apparently there is a rule in the Catholic church that says this.....

“The cremated remains of a body should be treated with the same respect given to the human body from which they come. This includes the use of a worthy vessel to carry the ashes, the manner in which they are carried and attention to appropriate placement and transport, and the final disposition. The cremated remains should be buried in a grave or entombed in a mausoleum or columbarium. The practice of scattering cremated remains on the sea, from the air, or on the ground, or keeping cremated remains in the home of a friend or relative of the deceased are not the reverent disposition that the Church requires. Whenever possible, appropriate means for recording with dignity the memory of the deceased should be adopted, such as a plaque or stone which records the name of the deceased."

I was shocked and sad that they said they might not be able to do this for me, our family and for little Zoe. They feel it is more appropriate that she be buried, but I know that the most appropriate thing for our family is to have her here, with us, in our home. If I have to I will call another parish in the area and see if they will do this for me, but I would much rather have it done here. I was baptized and confirmed there, we were married there, all of our children were baptized there and it is important to us that Zoe be blessed there as well. I do have a call into my priest and am hoping that I get some good news from them.

On another note, one thing that we have decided(thanks to a suggestion of a friend of mine) we are going to release pink and purple(Dave's pick) balloons for Zoe. I know that the girls will love this, Paige is always talking about Zoe being in heaven, playing with God. I think it would be really wonderful for them to be able to send her something special attached to a balloon and know that it reached her up in the clouds!

In my dreams

Zoe came to me in my dreams a couple of nights ago. It was short lived but she was there. She was about 3 years old, I couldn't see her face, she had her back to me and she was in a sort of shadow. I kept calling her to turn around so I could see her pretty face but she didn't turn. I woke up crying, they were both happy and sad tears. Sad because I wanted to see Zoe's face and wished that I could. But, happy because I know that she will come to me again in my dreams and one of these days I will see her, all of her. Since I lost her my dreams have been so vivid, so much so that I feel like I am wide awake and living it all over again. I look forward to the next time she comes to me and I hope that it is soon!

Zoe Eliana

That is the name we have chosen for our little girl. We searched for a name with an appropriate meaning and came up with this. I think it's beautiful. Zoe means life and Eliana means God has Answered.

God answered our want to have another baby and surprised and blessed us with the short life of little Zoe.

I would like to have Zoe's ashes blessed so I will be calling our priest soon(once I feel like I can talk without breaking down) to schedule a memorial service.

Pathology Results..

I received my phone call today from my OB. I have been praying for this phone call for weeks, I would finally know what happened to my sweet little baby. I knew the possibility of not finding out what happened to her was very high, but we really wanted to know what the sex of our sweet angel was.

When the phone rang, my heart sank, I excused myself to a room where I could hear my doctor well and cry if I needed. I began to shake terribly as he told me that everything came back chromosomally normal. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I was having a panic attack and had completely broken out into hives. My face, neck, chest and arms were covered in splotches. He added that he thinks that there was a problem with the babies organs, but they were too small to test. He said "I'm sorry, I can't tell you anything." I said," not even the sex?" His reply.."Your baby was a little girl" That is when I started to cry, I have known all along that our baby was a little girl, I felt it from the very beginning and after I lost her she came to me in dreams for weeks. I wish I had trusted myself a little more, my dreams were trying to tell me.

While I don't know why I lost our little girl, I found out the most important part of this whole ordeal, I have another little girl who I will forever love, that is what was most important to me. We have decided her name and will be sharing it shortly, Dave and I are trying to process this all right now.

The countdown begins...

Tomorrow is the day.

I have been waiting for 8 weeks to find out the pathology results. I decided that today I was going to call and get things figured out myself.

I started with the hospital, they told me that the report was in and that it had been faxed to my OB's office. My heart sank....I was possibly going to find out what I have been longing for for the last 8 weeks. I called my OB's office and I spoke to the receptionist who told me that the report has not arrived and that it would probably take another 4-6 weeks. I explained that the report was faxed from the pathology department, she assured me that my OB would call me tomorrow to help figure this out. I called the pathology department back and they re-faxed the info to my OB.

So, now I wait. Wait to find out the definate sex of my little baby. Wait to find out what happened to her and maybe why it happened. Wait. Or, I wait to find out nothing....to know nothing about the baby, no sex, no reason, nothing. I pray that this report will come through for me, I need this. I need to know if the baby was a boy or a girl, I need to name my baby, I need to give myself some sort of closure.

Please, if you all can spare me some thoughts and prayers I would appreciate it more than you know. Think of me today and tomorrow, this is going to be the longest 24 hours of my life and I don't know if I can make it through. I feel sick to my stomach that tomorrow instead of still being blissfully pregnant, I will instead possibly find out why my baby died. Thank you.

I got a henna tattoo last night..

The local library here had a "Ladies Night Out" I went with a couple of friends. They did henna tattoos, you know they are temporary and made with organic, earthy items. I want a real one, but am still a little too chicken, so this is the next best thing, but eventually! So, I got two, it was alot of fun! So I added a few pictures, I hope you can tell what they are, they both have flowers one is on my wrist the other on my leg.

Curious

Just curious..

I have said in a previous blog that I wished I hadn't had the D&E. I have alot of regrets of that, I wish that I could have seen the baby even if only for a second.

But I have a friend whom I was telling this too, and I said I wished I hadn't done that. Her answer was that she was surprised that I had, being Catholic and all. I knew what she was saying, I wondered if I was wrong, and still do. Did I make a bad decision, will this forever haunt me? Today, I was reading on a pregnancy loss board and that thought came up again, a girl was saying that she didn't know what choice to make a D&C or a natural miscarriage. She was afraid to chose the D&C because she is Catholic and thinks of it as an abortion. I knew exactly what she was saying. When I was asked what I wanted to do, I thought of my living children. The thought of them seeing me deliver a baby at home would be more than traumatizing to a little child. But, I also thought of myself and could I cope with something like that. I don't know if you can ever make the right choice when you are in that position, it's impossible, you can never know the what ifs.

So, I wonder, is it an abortion? What are your thoughts? My baby lost her heartbeat previous to my 16 week u/s. I didn't choose for that to happen, I wouldn't have ever chose for that to happen. But, I'm curious since the medical field believes it to be and marks it as a "abortion" is that how the general public and the catholic church feels about it?

A day at the zoo and a day at the Falls!

He's all tuckered out!

Smiling!

Monkeys and Giraffes

Buttermilk Falls...so beautiful!

Fourth of July weekend

Playing some soccer with cousins

Peaking through Mommy's legs

Fireworks!

Sadie

Xander, all tuckered out!

Paige!

We had a nice fourth of July weekend, fun, family, food and Fireworks!

7 weeks later...

It has been almost 7 weeks since I found out the baby lost her heartbeat, 6 weeks since I had my D&E and I still feel like it was yesterday. I am still having a really hard time. I cry everyday. I still get up and do things, I take the kids out everyday but I am sad. Really sad.

Seven weeks later...

I still have not brought myself to take the medical supplies from when I was pregnant and get rid of them. I have tried, but I can't.

I still have stacks of thank you cards on the table, only three of them are written out, because every time I sit down I start to cry and can't continue.

I still have a bottle of the used needles from my pump because I feel like they are a part of me, and I can't get rid of them.

I still haven't talked to a friend of mine who is pregnant, because she is due the same week and I just can't...I can't.

I still haven't set up a memorial service, because that would mean that I would have to face that this actually happened, and it ends it all....for good. I feel like everyone has forgotten that this has happened, I don't want anyone to forget, the baby is important, really important.

I feel crazy some days, but just keep telling myself this is normal!

Realization....

I have always known that the toughest times in life are when you find out who you can really count on. There are really good people in this world, and I am extremely lucky to have been blessed to have them in my life.

The past almost six months for me have been trying, the past two have been absolute hell. There are so many people that I am thankful for through this process...

~My husband has been absolutely amazing, I never knew how wonderful he was until we were hit with something so hard. He has always been my best friend, but I never knew what that meant to me until now. He has spent countless nights holding me and telling me it was ok, we would make it through this, he's strong and amazing. We have a wonderful marriage that has just gotten stronger recently and I am so happy for that, it's kind of my saving grace. I hope that he knows what a fantastic father, husband and friend that he is.

~My children, they always know when I need the extra smile, hug or the sweet little things they say. They are the best, and I love them more each day.

~My "real life" friends have been non-understanding, I guess I can't really blame them, they have never been through anything like this, thank god. But I was hoping for a little more. There are girls that I met through webmd boards 3 years ago when I lost a baby at 8 weeks. I went there looking for support, I never knew that I would find life long friendships and the most understanding, compassionate women I have ever met. All of them have children, husbands, lives but still take the time to text, email, message or call me to tell me they are thinking of me. I know that I will never be able to repay you for what you have done for me, but I hope that you know what you all mean to me.

~My OB, I swear the man is a saint. I have been going to him for 10 years and he has always been wonderful. He held me while I cried after I found out about the baby and didn't rush me out of the office. He calls me once a week to see how I am doing, and to see if I need anything. It's amazing, and I would never expect a doctor to do that, especially two months after everything happened.

~The anesthesiologist at the hospital. I feel like she was sent to watch over me throughout my hospital stays. The day of my D&E she came in and held my hand, she told me how sorry she was and talked with me. She helped me set up funeral arrangements and talked to Dave to make sure everything was ok with him. After the D&E I needed an emergency D&C, she came back that night to do the second procedure. A couple of days later I was admitted again and they couldn't find a vein, she came and numbed my arms and worked until she could get a vein, and I didn't feel a thing. About an hour later, I woke up to her moving my hair out of my face. When I looked at her she apologized for waking me up and told me that she had been thinking of me throughout the week. She said she wanted me to know that she was so sorry, I was such a sweet girl and she was praying for me. I started to cry, she will never know what she did for me, she had a calming presence about her and she really helped me through that first week.

I hope those of you that I am talking about know how much you mean to me. I may not be the most graceful at saying it, but you are wonderful and I love you. Thank you!