Here it is again: Confession

I think I have posted about this before. I have this friend, she is really religious. Fine. But, she is not just religious for herself and her family, she pushes it greatly on others.

I too am religious, I'm Catholic. But, I don't go to confession and likely never will. I don't really believe in it. I think that if I feel that I have done something that I'm not proud of, I will "confess" in my own home, on my own time, by talking to God, in a sense.

But today, I get a phone call from my friend. She was telling me that Jesus came to her in her prayers last night and told her that if I want to have a healthy pregnancy, I need to go to Mass and I need to go to confession, often. I need to ask for forgiveness and then...only then...I will have a healthy pregnancy.

Forgiveness for what? I am a good person. I do good things for people. I love myself and my family. I don't over indulge myself or my family. I try to help as many people as I can. So what do I need forgiveness for to allow me to have a healthy pregnancy?

I don't believe that God decided that I didn't deserve a healthy baby. I did feel that way for a while. I asked, often, what I did that I was being punished for. I know now that this isn't a punishment, it's just...I'm not sure what word or phrase to use here, bad luck, I guess.

I guess some could say it's a test of faith, if I continue to come back then I am faithful, I still believe. I can say now, that I do believe there is a God, I believe that God is what you want them to be. If it makes you feel at peace praying to someone, then that is what it's for. If you feel better looking for a reason things happen, then I guess that is what it's there for. But, I won't believe that God has taken 4 babies from me because I didn't confess my sins.

Suicide and gossip

A friend of ours tried to commit suicide a couple of weeks ago, she had a husband and three small children. She jumped from a bridge that is relatively low and did not die. Instead she suffered for weeks, she had liver laseration and was bleeding internally. She was paralyzed and suffered. I can't imagine the pain that she was in before making this decision. I don't think this is a decision taken lightly by anyone. How could it be. Especially if you are a Mother and a Wife. She died a week ago.

She was a kind woman, one who always considered other people before herself, she always had a smile on her face and often asked if "I needed any help" And, her family loved her. That is really all I need to know. I don't need to know why she did it or why she was so sad. That part is over now, sadly though, people like to gossip. We live in a smaller town and this has been the story for everyone to talk about.

I brought my daughter to a birthday party yesterday and while I was there, I was attacked with gossip. The conversation began.

"did you hear about the woman....."

I reply "yes, I knew her"

"I can't believe what she did, how disgusting, selfish....."

I reply "Well, since I don't know how she was feeling at the moment that things happened, I can't speculate why she did what she did. I just know that she was a kind person, who loved her family"

"well, I don't get it, I mean"

I reply "I guess it really isn't for us to get, she has a family and they would be heartbroken if they knew people were saying these things about her"

This is where the conversation turned, I was shocked it turned this way and am still shocked.

"well, last year when I met you, you were distant and withdrawn, never really talked to anyone. I figured you were depressed, then I found out......what happened to you......and I got why you were that way. But, you, you didn't kill yourself, why didn't you, but she did. And, you don't want to judge her?"

I reply "no, I don't." I explained that I had a lot of support and worked through things, but I didn't have any depression before our losing Zoe and our twins. I was shocked she said those things and walked away after. And, I have to be completely honest, I'm fairly sure that the reason why I was withdrawn and didn't talk to her much was because I thought she was a Bitch. I was right, she is a Bitch, a judgmental Bitch.

I will not understand or try to find answers as to why this happened, all I know is that she must have been in a really bad place and I hope that know she has found peace. I also know that she has a family who is trying to pick themselves up and to have gossip like that floating around, it isn't helping anyone.

Zoe

I have nothing to say

currently. Maybe soon.