A judgmental me

I was reading a friends blog, she talked about people being judgmental, people complaining and how she has changed as a person. I probably could have written the same post. There are so many things about me that have changed in the last 2 months, it's amazing how one event in your life can shake everything up so much.

~I am judgmental, terribly so. I probably always have been but I know that I am more now. An example which caused some talk on facebook...I saw a girl about 8 months pregnant walking through a parking lot smoking. My first thought "How dare she?" I immediately jumped to thinking how could she jeopardize her childs life for her own addiction. I don't know her life, her circumstance, and I didn't care. Then, sadly I thought I was entitled to that opinion because I had just suffered a great loss even though I had done everything humanly possible to get my baby here safely, and I failed...miserably. I think I probably hurt someones feelings and I feel terrible about it. But, I still without knowing the circumstances cannot understand it.

~I haven't been back to church since I lost the baby. For alot of reasons, I'm angry I want to know what I did that I am being punished in such a way. I have actually tried several times to go, but can't make myself get in the car to go there. I keep hearing it was all meant to be, the baby was meant to be with God...right now though I think that is a load of crap to be brutally honest.

~I avoid people, I never used to be this way. Actually the opposite, I like to sit and talk with people. Even in a store where I don't know them, I guess I just like to talk. Now I will avoid them at all costs. I have actually seen someone I know in the grocery store and gone a different route, waited a few minutes until I think they are gone then go back to that aisle.

~I think it's sad when people die, it's heartbreaking for all involved. But, I have to say that I am completely done with hearing about Michael Jackson's death. Yes, it's sad....but is it any sadder than the man next door who was 50 yrs old dying too young? Not to me. And, when people go on and on about it, my MIL for example was very sad to hear the news. I kind of want to say " I have my own problems and don't really care!" Of course if I did that I would take the chance of sounding like a Bitch.

Medical Terminology

I was already having a rough day, I haven't been sleeping well, there are so many things going through my head. It's hard to get them all straight so I don't sleep well. Then I go to get the mail, I received a bill today from Anesthesia Associates for the anesthesia charges for my D&E. I'm not sure why I opened it, but after I did I wished I hadn't. The bills looks as follows.....


5/19/09 treatment for missed abortion 780.00
treatment for missed abortion adj. 360.00
treatment for missed abortion you owe: 40.90

I can't believe that still the medical field refers to the loss of a baby, a miscarriage to me as a missed abortion. After losing something as precious to you as this baby was to me, seeing the word abortion on your medical bills is completely devastating to say the least.

I am thinking of calling the company, or writing a letter. And letting them know that what I have been going through was NOT an abortion. I lovingly carried my baby well into the second trimester and had the decision taken from me on what was going to happen next. I feel very strongly that the medical terminology needs to change. It just adds more heartache to a completely broken heart. Sadly, I know that this is the first of many bills that will say this.

I can't do this..

I have tried so hard over the last month and a half to put on the strong face, go to everything I am "expected" to go to. I am tired, exhausted really and I can't do it anymore. I am barely hanging on and I feel like I am going to fall at any time. Whoever said you are only given what you can handle? Ptf! I don't believe it, and who is the person that picks the "lucky" one that gets to endure all they can handle!?

A day outside

There is nothing better than a day outside to play! We had alot fun with chalk drawings, soccer playing, coupe riding and power wheels sharing!

If I knew then what I know now...

So, here it is. I think all the time, too much probably. My mind is constantly racing possibly/probably the reason I can't sleep more than 2 hours a night. Do you ever wish you could see the future so you knew how to act in the present?

Here goes.... If I knew then what I know now....

I would have NEVER complained while I was pregnant and changing my pump needles, I would have cherished and embraced that time instead.

I would have talked to the baby a little longer every night, even if just to say "I Love You" one more time.

I would have taken that final u/s picture, I completely regret not having it, even if the baby was gone it was one more piece of her.

I would have never said that I didn't want any more children after this baby(I thought that the pregnancy was just too hard, and didn't think I would do it again) really, what a selfish thing to say.

and finally, if I knew then what I know now...

I would have chosen a different way to "have" the baby, and NEVER had the D&E, I feel like what I did was wrong, and I wish that I had had an induction instead.

I think about these things constantly, they play like a movie over and over in my head. Part of the process I guess.

Finally here is one of the u/s of the baby, I was about 13 weeks along, I think. I love this picture, you can see the babies arms, legs, hands perfectly and she was giving a little wave. But, just wanted to share, since I hadn't before.(sorry it's a pic of a pic, once I scan it will be better)

A picture of heaven.....

Ever since I was a little girl, thinking of family that had passed, you are always told "they went to heaven, to watch over you" I would always picture the sun poking through the clouds. You know what I mean, that beautiful scene of the bright sun breaking through. For me it always happens to come when I really need some hope, heaven shining down....an angel watching over me with a smile. Now, it means so much more than it ever has before.

Naming a baby

I think most mommies and daddies would agree that one of the fun and exciting parts of being pregnant or having a new baby is coming up with a name for that baby. What if the baby is gone? Then what? We want to name our baby, we know that, we aren't certain of the sex yet, though I feel the baby was a girl. So, we are thinking of a unisex name. While I like the name and know that Dave likes it as well, it isn't a name that I would have chosen had the baby been here with us on earth. We want to have a memorial service for the baby, but I feel like we should name him/her first. I'm afraid that if we name the baby now and find out in a few weeks that the baby was a boy or a girl, I will be sorry that I chose something so quickly and didn't wait to give her a "proper" name. These are decisions that I don't want to make but are weighing heavy on my heart.

Sadie.

I just want to take a second and say how proud I am of my Sadie! We got her report card the other day. She is getting an A in everything, with an A+ in Reading and is reading at a 4th grade level, in the top 3% in the country! I just wanted to brag a bit, so proud of her.

We brought our baby home

After an extremely long and heart breaking 4 weeks our baby is finally home with us. We lost our baby at 16weeks along. Dave and I decided to have her cremated and since then we have waited for the phone call that we could bring her home. After the appt being scheduled and canceled 3 times we finally called and said we are coming by today, and we did. The funeral director told me on the phone..."it was time to bring her home" It certainly was, I felt like things would be so much easier if the baby was here with me. We arrived and he handed me the little purple velvet bag and told me how sorry he was. I began to cry and thanked him for everything. I clenched the bag the entire way home and cried. I am so happy to have them but, so very sad that this is the way the baby had to come home with us.

Delusional

Am I? I went to the funeral home Sunday for my brother's girlfriends grandmother's wake(confused yet!). I didn't want to go but thought it would be fine, I don't equate funeral homes with the loss of the baby. Brother's girlfriend we'll call her L, she has a cousin who strangely enough has a little boy that was born 3 days after Xander, and is pregnant and due the same day that I was with this baby...October 30. Now, I don't have a problem with seeing pregnant women either, it's really a part of life, I have noticed that they truly are everywhere, especially if you are at an amusement park, pool, waterpark....you know anywhere you are trying to have a nice family outing! Anyways, the girl(L's cousin) comes up to us(myself, my mom and my dad)and is talking, it was a fine conversation, we talked about how she is related to my uncle's ex-wife, small world. We talk about the difference between Xander and her little boy, he is so much taller, alot more hair, just a bigger boy all around. Then she tells L that her mom would be back soon to bring her food. I felt myself getting hot(you know that terrifying feeling, when you know something is going to be said to send into a complete panic, hot, red face and tears.) So L then says, "oh, she's having another baby, she her little baby bump....how sweet." L then looks at me and says "she is due around the same time as you were" SLAP Really that is what it felt like a big SLAP I didn't know what to do, I knew I couldn't stay there because it was coming and fast. So, I said I have to go and ran to my car, tears streaming down my face.

Later that night, my mom calls and asks how I'm doing. I said I was fine, but I knew that was going to happen, why did I go, what was I thinking. She says, "well, it didn't kill you, you will be ok" Then she asked why I am still upset. I replied"Mom, it's only been a month, how should I feel" "Well" she says"you seem to me that you are thinking if you just forget about all of this pretend it didn't happen that it wouldn't have and you will be pregnant again" First, I'm guessing she was trying to help, in some really odd way, she was trying. I replied " I'm not insane, how could I possibly still think I was pregnant, there is a constant reminder everyday that I am not when I put my clothes on" " I don't know she says, but it's just what I think, and I also think you are blaming yourself." Well, I don't know if I am blaming myself but it's really hard to go through all of this and then for it to be gone, it's hard not to think....hmmm....what did I do. Not that I hurt the baby, but I keep thinking, where did I go wrong, I have always tried to be a good person, what was I being punished for(catholic upbringing maybe).

So, you tell me, you all know me pretty well, am I completely delusional? Sure it would be nice if I could just wish this all away but I know that isn't possible .

A little about us...

I'm Tracy I am married to Dave, we have been married since October 7, 2000 but have been together since we were 16 years old. I am lucky enough to say that he is my best friend and truly knows everything there is to know about me. If it weren't for him there are alot of moments in my life that I wouldn't have made it through in one piece.

We have five children, three who have blessed us on earth. Mercedes(Sadie) Lyn was born on January 9, 2002, such a beautiful baby with blue eyes and dark brown hair, she is now a 7 year old second grader who has an avid love for reading! Paige Alexis who was born on May 23, 2005, she too had blue eyes and brown hair, she is a 4 year old spicey little thing who has the sweetest little voice and loves anything Tinkerbell! July 16, 2006 we found out that we lost our third baby at 8 weeks along. A few months later we were blessed to find out we were expected our 4th pregnancy, October 24, 2007 we welcomed Xander David, born with blue eyes and a ton of black hair. He is such a smart and full of energy little guy, so different from the girls and LOVES to jump from things. In February to our wonderful surprise we found out that we were expecting another baby! 16 weeks later on May 15, 2009 we found out that we had lost our little baby, heartbreaking. We are currently waiting on pathology results to see if there is a reason for losing the baby.

So that is our family in a nutshell, we are so blessed to have our three angels on earth and two angels that watch over us from afar everyday.

A start...

I have decided to blog! I am starting this blog to help me get out alot of feelings of loss and heartache after losing our baby at 16weeks. For those who are knew to my blog here is my story...

On February 15, 2009 Dave and I found out that we were expecting another baby. We were SO surprised, I had just gone through alot of testing and some problems after delivering my third baby, we were told by a few doctors that my best bet would be to have a hysterectomy. So, we found out that we were expecting, after one loss in 2006 we were cautiously optimistic, but so completely excited! Our first appt came and we watched the u/s screen with big eyes hoping to see that beautiful flickering heartbeat. There it was, what an amazing thing to see, just what we had hoped for. My OB warned us that we did still have a high chance of miscarriage until 9 weeks. I made another appt for 9 weeks as I was only 6wks and 4 days at this appt.

I began to get very ill, which was normal for me, but this was different, I was having a very difficult time keeping anything down at all. After 5 hospitals stays for IV fluids and a loss of 20lbs in three weeks, we decided that it would be best to be put on home health care. The home health was a pump that was administered by me into my legs a needle about an inch and a half long that went into my upper thigh and gave me a constant flow of zofran. After alot of tweaking by my nurses at home health, we ended up with a combination of zofran, reglan and benedryl which finally got the nausea and vomitting under control. Now, my only concern was the pain and bruising in my legs from all the needle pokes.

I continued with my OB visits, once every 2 weeks to monitor a large fibroid that I had. The baby was doing well, I was having a bit of pain from the fibroid, but all completely worth it to me, I was going to be having another baby! After our 9 week appt, we were in the clear and decided to announce it to the world and to our children that we were expecting another baby.....how exciting!

I went to the doctor for my routine 16 week appt, my OB came in with the doppler and a quick tummy check. No heartbeat with the doppler, he wasn't too concerned, it had happened at the appt 5 days prior, just the fibroid getting in the way, so we waited for the u/s machine. While waiting, I knew something wasn't right, it wasn't going to turn out good. But, I still kept thinking, of course it will, we are in the clear, well into the second trimester. Then it happened, my absolute worst nightmare the u/s came up and the baby had no heartbeat. My OB didn't say anything, he went back and forth showing me the fibroid then coming back to the baby. I said "there is nothing there" to which he answered "I am so sorry Trace" I started to cry asking "why, god?" he told me how sorry he was and held me for a very long time. I was by myself and thinking how was I going to call my husband and tell him this.

My OB told me he would talk to me that night so we could figure out where to go from there. I called my mom and asked her to come and get me, I knew that I could never drive home, I didn't know if my legs would carry me out the door. I didn't know what to do, I felt terrible for my girls who talked everyday about having another baby. How do you, as a mommy tell your children that their sibling died. I couldn't even understand it myself let alone explain it to a small child.

We decided to have a D&E on Tuesday, 4 days later. My daughter's preschool festivities were coming up and I knew that I couldn't miss them. The weekend was absolute hell for me, walking around with a pregnant, beautiful belly but no longer being pregnant is pure torture. I remember sitting on the bed crying asking my husband if it were wrong of me to be wearing maternity clothes. I had no choice though, so I would put them on, and then put an over sized sweater to hide myself from the world. The thought of someone asking me when I was due, scared the hell out of me, and I didn't want to take a chance of that happening.

That Tuesday we went in at 8:30am for the surgery. I was bombarded with questions, terrible, sad, hurtful questions. I cried all morning. I had the most wonderful OB, nurses and anesthesiologist. She was wonderful she held my hand and told me how sorry she was and wished she could stop it all from happening. I will forever be in debt to some of them, they helped me in ways I can never thank them for. After the surgery, I went to recovery where my BP wasn't stabilizing I was passing out and very dizzy. I was admitted for observation, later that night I had severe pain in my belly and passed out again. My BP was 88/44 and my heart rate had dropped to 38. They found out that the blood was rising back into my uterus and a D&C would be needed right away. So, I went in for a second surgery in less than 10 hours.There were 2 litres of blood in my uterus that they had to remove, I need a 2 unit blood transfusion and stayed until the following evening.

Leaving the hospital was the hardest part of the hospital stay, every time I would get ready to go I would break down in tears. I was leaving my baby behind and how could I do that. It took me a little while to "yank" myself out of the bed and go. The ride out in the wheel chair was long and heart wrenching.

It has now been 6 weeks since the loss of our little baby, I still some days can't believe that this happening. It's so surreal. We are still waiting for the results of the pathology report and hope to find out a reason why, but I know that there is a large possibility that I will never know. I am slowly healing and hope that it I continue to feel a little better each day.