All about Zoe's life

This is Zoe's story, for the blog Say it with Flowers. It was asked if you recieved a flower, would you like to share your story. I did receive a beautiful flower for Zoe and I would love to share Zoe's story. I want everyone to know what a beautiful blessing she was to our entire family.

On February 15, 2009 I took a home pregnancy test, we found out to our delight and surprise that we were expecting! We have three earth children and one angel and we so very excited and nervous about this newest surprise! Our first appointment was at 6 weeks 4 days, we went in and my OB started the ultrasound, we watched with big eyes for that beautiful heartbeat to appear on the screen. There is really not much better in the world than to see that little flicker on the screen(the only thing better is hearing the heartbeat). My OB warned us that our risk of miscarriage is increased until 9 weeks, but that everything looked good. I scheduled an appointment to be right at 9 weeks and went home!

A few days later at 7 weeks 1 day, I started to become very ill, this is normal for me. I always get sick during pregnancy, but this sickness hit much harder. I was having a hard time keeping much of anything down. Five hospital stays later and after a 20lb weight loss, my OB decided that it would be best to go on home health care. That much dehydration was not good for my body and couldn't continue on that way. So, April 2, 2009 a nurse came to my home and placed an IV that would give me continuous fluids for 72 hours. She also trained me to place needles in my legs to continuously have Zofran going into my body to help with the sickness. The needles had to be changed every 6 hours, I had bruises up and down my legs from the constant medication. And, I carried around a pump that was over my shoulder which pushed the medication. I continued to lose weight, we tweaked medications until I ended up with a mixture of Zofran, phenerghan, reglan and benedryl. That combination finally began to work. I was on a special diet where I ate meals every two hours and my calorie intake was much higher than usual. I was feeling ok and began to gain a little bit of weight back, slowly but surely.

During this time I still continued to have routine appointments, every three weeks. My belly continued to grow, we found out at just over 13 weeks that our baby looked like a baby girl, not a hundred percent but he thought so. Our appointments all went well, things keep getting better, I was gaining weight, started to feel ok. Then at about 15 weeks I started having some pain, what felt to me like contractions, I went into the doctor the baby was fine, heart beating away on the screen. They said it was probably fibroid pain and it would probably continue because the baby was pushing up on the fibroid. OK! The next week at 16 weeks, I had my routine appointment. I told everyone that I had a bad feeling about the appointment, something just felt uneasy. I went in, he used the doppler to find the heartbeat and there was nothing. He said to just sit tight for a few minutes and we would do an ultrasound, as I laid there on the ultrasound table I knew that this day would be forever imprinted on my mind. Because, today, May 15, 2009 was NOT going to turn out the way that I wanted it to. He put the wand on my belly and there was our beautiful baby, with no heartbeat. It was heartbreaking, my OB didn't know what to say, I saw him scrambling. Finally I said, there is nothing there?!? He answered "I am so very sorry" My world came crashing down around me...tumbling down. There were a million things going through my mind, I was hysterical. I knew I had to call my husband, but how? How do you call someone who wanted this baby just as badly as you did and tell them that the baby was no more.

That weekend was a long one for me, I came home that evening and got right into cleaning, because what else was I to do. The thoughts of telling my children that there little baby we had been talking about had not survived rang through my mind. Such little innocent children had to find out this terrible thing that can happen. Dave and I sat them down and explained to them that their little baby got sick in Mommy's belly and couldn't fight being sick and so the baby had died. My heart truly sank, to see that look on their faces, and to answer the questions. "Mommy, didn't you love the baby" "Mommy, will I still get to meet the baby" "Mommy, why is your belly so big if the baby didn't live" While those questions, and answers, came hard to me, I had to think of how they felt.

My daughter was graduating from preschool that weekend, and I knew that I couldn't not go to the graduation. While I tried to get ready I sat on the bed crying because I didn't know how to dress. Sounds so silly now, but at the time it was huge. I had this beautiful pregnant belly, with this beautiful little being inside who was no longer alive. But, I went and I survived, that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

That following Tuesday May 19, 2009 I went in to have a D&E. Ironically it was exactly 10 weeks after our first beautiful appointment. This was the hardest day for me, I felt as if I was chosing for Zoe to be taken from me, like I was giving up on her. I was so very grateful to many people during my stay there, they were wonderful. While there we planned on were to send Zoe to be cremated, set up an appointment for Dave to go and talk to the Funeral Home director. The D&E seemed to go off well, I went to recovery 45 minutes after the start of the surgery. While in recovery I was not feeling well at all, dizzy, nauseous and all around crummy. That is when I fainted, they got me up and my BP was bad, really very low. They decided to admit me to monitor me. That evening I fainted again and was in terrible pain. It was found out that the blood was moving back into my uterus and I would need an emergency D&C. I went into surgery and they removed 2 litres of blood from my uterus. Again in recovery I was feeling better, I was given a blood transfusion of two bags and was getting a little bit of energy back. The next evening I was released, again I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I didn't want to leave the hospital, I was leaving my little girl. It was hard, very, very hard.

It has been 3 months since we lost our little girl, since then we have done things that I would have never thought that I would have to do. We have had our little sweet baby cremated, and had to pick up her ashes and bring them home, they are in a beautiful, little purple velvet bag. We have had to plan a memorial service, something small, but we want Zoe's ashes blessed. We named a little girl that we would never see in person, but her name has great meaning and fits her wonderfully. Zoe meaning "life" and Eliana meaning "God has answered" God answered our want to have another child, and blessed us with the short life of little Zoe.

We have grown alot as people, as parents, as a couple. While I would have never wished for this to happen, I was extremely blessed to have had Zoe as our little girl for the brief time that we did. At the time, while going through the pregnancy, I thought it was such a difficult process, but now, looking back, I realize that that all was part of the process. The beautiful process of bringing life into this world. I have met wonderful, caring people along the way, and heard stories of heartbreak and stories of hope in the process. These experiences in my life are what have made me, me. We will never know why we lost little Zoe, and it may always be a part in my mind, but I will always know that Every life, no matter how short or small, is a beautiful one and a complete blessing.