Twists and turns

It's funny how in life you have so many twists and turns and ups and downs. I have known that I wanted children forever. Dave and I both knew that we wanted a large family. I still remember my first positive pregnancy test very well. I remember thinking how easily it happened and being amazed by that. I don't ever remember thinking things wouldn't work out. Each subsequent pregnancy got a little harder, it took a little longer and alot of planning to get pregnant. Then I had my first loss, then I started to worry, every pregnancy after that I completely panicked about everything, worried that something bad was sure to happen, and hoping to God that it didn't.

Now, here is the twist, I just lost another pregnancy this week. I found out the baby had stopped growing and that there was no longer a heartbeat, which we had just seen the week before. I took medication to help myself miscarry. Odd right? You spend all this time praying that you will have a healthy pregnancy and everything will happen accordingly, and then...nine months later you welcome a perfect baby. Now, I find myself praying that I can miscarry this baby naturally(with the help of medicine) and not need a D&C. How backwards is that anyways, ugh. So, the first dose did not work, so far. If it doesn't work by Monday I have to take another dose, if that dose is a no go, I go to surgery. So now I find myself praying for something that I would never really want, but I have not been given the choice.

Such is life.