I had a break through...

Please try not to laugh, though I do now about it, so I guess a little snicker is ok, bear with me.....this is what happened a few nights ago.

I completely felt as if I was going crazy, really. I was a raving lunatic(to my husband, but really I was). Everything got to me, if Dave didn't smile when he walked in the door, he of course, didn't love me anymore. I mean, how could he? haha..sort of! So one night after having crying fits throughout the entire day. I told Dave I needed a few minutes. I calmed myself down went and locked myself in my bedroom, armed with a phone and my laptop. I looked up the phone number to Horizon Health, they are the mental health insurance through Dave's company. I picked up the phone and called, I was calm. A sweet southern girl(from Texas actually) she answered.

She asked "How may I help you?"
I replied "I think I need someone to talk to, but I really have no idea where to start"
"Well" she says..."Do you have any children?"
"Yes, I do" I reply
"ok" she says "First, I must ask, do you feel like harming yourself or your children?"
"No!" I reply(that must be good, right, I think to myself!)
"Good" she says"do you feel as if you are in harm because of anyone in your home?"
Again, I reply "No!"
"Ok, well can you tell me what is going on that you feel you need to talk to someone?" she goes on to tell me that she is a licensed therapist and would love to help me in anyway and would point me in the right direction.
This is when I completely break down, I mean snot dripping, red faced, hysterically crying.....BREAK DOWN. I tell her "I lost.....(sniff, sniff) a baby.....(huff, huff) a few weeks ago....(sniff, sniff)
She pauses for a moment(I imagine I caught her off guard, I'm sure when she answered the phone she was NOT expecting me....the crazy lady on the other end) and says "I am so very sorry" "Can I ask what happened"
So, through my tears, my sniffs and my huffs, I explained it to her. The whole thing, the pregnancy, how hard I thought it was, the guilt when it ended, the long recovery, then at the end.....I let out a huge sigh of relief and my crying was over.

The next day I called my OB and told him how I was feeling, I talked to him for over an hour. I told him that I was still sad and was that normal? He told me that my loss, was one of the saddest he had been through as a doctor(with the exception of losing at baby at term, which I completely agreed with), because there truly was nothing wrong, at all, no warning what so ever. And, then he said the magic words, YOU ARE NORMAL!

I am NORMAL, that is what I needed to hear. I needed to talk to the sweet girl from Texas and cry to her and tell her everything. I needed her to understand and to sympathize with me. I needed to talk to my OB, again, so he could tell me that it was ok for me to still be sad, as long as I was getting up on a daily basis and out of the house I was doing well. That is what I needed. And, that day, I JUMPED over a hurdle. I felt better, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Yesterday, Dave told me that he was proud of me, I was doing so well. He saw me again, the real me, not a robot me, or a fake me, to make it seem I was ok. We laughed and I thanked him for being who he is, luckily we haven't had huge struggles with this loss, he has been amazing and he understood it all and held my hand the entire way through.

Please don't think I am making light of any of this, because I'm not, but sometimes you have to add a little laughter to such a heavy process. I am actually feeling better, for that I am really thankful. That does not mean that tomorrow I won't have an off day, or that three months from now I won't be hit so hard that I will cry the entire day. I know that there are hard times to come, Zoe's EDD will be here at some point and that is not going to be an easy day for me, I'm sure. It doesn't mean that I have gotten over every part of it, that I am ready to go back to church and deal with that part of the loss. But, I have a little bit of peace with losing her and I know that she is part of the reason that I am feeling OK right now! Thank you for reading!