"God chose for this to happen"
"God saw that your weren't ready and took the baby"
"God took the baby because you wouldn't have wanted a baby with problems"
"The Lord wanted it that way"
"He will decide when the time is right, we have no control over that"
Ok, so I believe in God, after everything that happened last year, I will admit I had a very hard time going back to church. I didn't go for a very long time because I was angry. I had that thought that I must have done something wrong in life for this to have happened to me. I was in a sense being punished for my "sins".
I have since then realized that that, is ridiculous. I get angry when someone tells me that God was the one that decided I shouldn't have my children. Why would someone who is supposed to be wonderful, look out for people and performed miracles(by the bible) chose to break someone so badly by taking their child from them. I cannot accept that as any kind of answer for anything.
If God didn't want me to have Zoe, why take her half way through the pregnancy, why not just stop it before it happened. If he didn't want me to have my twins and our other angel, why allow me to become pregnant in the first place just to break my heart 8 weeks later.
For anyone who is really religious and believes all of these things, it does not help a grieving Mother if you tell her that God didn't think she was ready. It makes her question herself, her life, her love and her faith. Why add more heartbreak to an already terrible situation?
See, I believe in God, and I am religious.. BUT, I don't think he has control on it.
ReplyDeletePart of this comes from readings, to me a baby is a baby, and I can never tell the outcome. I fully think my "gift" comes from God. If I am not given the outcome, makes me question if the outcome is known..
Then with my loss, and even C both were caused because of a polyp. I think it was the grace of God that allowed me to carry C long enough to get him here. I don't think God is so cruel to allow one child to die, and the other to survive.
Does this make any sense?
I couldn't agree more. My feelings are that someone who says anything like this, religious or not, has not been in the position of awful heart break of a pregnancy loss.
ReplyDeleteI always think of those poems or letters with a list of "what not to say". It does NOT help, regardless of true or not. Not saying these statements are true...but for example, "there was probably something wrong with the baby". With my second loss, we confirmed, yes, there was a chromosome issue, my baby had an unbalanced chromosome translocation...so yes, "something was wrong"...but how is telling me that supposed to help me in a time of grief. To me, my baby was perfect, a piece of me, MY baby! I wanted that baby in my life more than anything and he's not!
Those kind of comments are not helping anyone and while I don't think I have a clear understanding in my head of what God does and does not control in these situations, I do know that some people do not realize when they are NOT helping, but only hurting someone who needs support and support alone!
It is so hard!
ReplyDeleteIf you want my opinion (not that you asked :0), but for me, the way I am able to reoncile it is that Ella Grace was part of a much bigger plan than I can ever see. I think that her life (short as it was) had purpose and that she fulfilled her purpose. I work daily to complete that purpose for her. I hope this makes sense!?!?
I believe in God and have a strong faith. That made my m/c so hard. But this is what I believe...take it or leave it:
ReplyDeleteGod lets us live our lives. He asks that we have faith but he never forces us to. He can control every aspect of our lives, but he doesn't. I do not believe that he causes a m/c, but lets them happen. I can't tell you why, but when I meet him face to face and ask him why, why me, and why MY baby, I know that he will answer me and I will understand and be okay with it.
i think somewhere along the lines of britt... i believe that altho we cannot see God's plan, it exists & we just have to have faith. at the same time tho, i do NOT think that punishment is part of the plan. after our losses, i just kept telling myself that i had to get up every day, keep moving & trust that eventually the path would become clear.
ReplyDelete& i dont think ANY comments help after a loss, other than a sincere "i'm sorry for your loss". i didn't want pity, or attempts to rationalize, i just wanted people to understand, or at least accept, my grief.
I don't believe in 'god' per se. I believe in something, but not god, not sure where my belief would lie...and infant and pregnancy loss is just a prime example of WHY I don't believe.
ReplyDeleteSo with that said, it's REALLY rubs me the wrong way to hear those statements. Seriously, a hug, a sincere "I'm sorry for your loss" don't rationalize MY loss to ME. It's MINE, not YOURS.
So yeah Tracy, right on board with you here;)
Just sending you some (((((((((hugs)))))))).
ReplyDelete