I was reading a friends blog, she talked about people being judgmental, people complaining and how she has changed as a person. I probably could have written the same post. There are so many things about me that have changed in the last 2 months, it's amazing how one event in your life can shake everything up so much.
~I am judgmental, terribly so. I probably always have been but I know that I am more now. An example which caused some talk on facebook...I saw a girl about 8 months pregnant walking through a parking lot smoking. My first thought "How dare she?" I immediately jumped to thinking how could she jeopardize her childs life for her own addiction. I don't know her life, her circumstance, and I didn't care. Then, sadly I thought I was entitled to that opinion because I had just suffered a great loss even though I had done everything humanly possible to get my baby here safely, and I failed...miserably. I think I probably hurt someones feelings and I feel terrible about it. But, I still without knowing the circumstances cannot understand it.
~I haven't been back to church since I lost the baby. For alot of reasons, I'm angry I want to know what I did that I am being punished in such a way. I have actually tried several times to go, but can't make myself get in the car to go there. I keep hearing it was all meant to be, the baby was meant to be with God...right now though I think that is a load of crap to be brutally honest.
~I avoid people, I never used to be this way. Actually the opposite, I like to sit and talk with people. Even in a store where I don't know them, I guess I just like to talk. Now I will avoid them at all costs. I have actually seen someone I know in the grocery store and gone a different route, waited a few minutes until I think they are gone then go back to that aisle.
~I think it's sad when people die, it's heartbreaking for all involved. But, I have to say that I am completely done with hearing about Michael Jackson's death. Yes, it's sad....but is it any sadder than the man next door who was 50 yrs old dying too young? Not to me. And, when people go on and on about it, my MIL for example was very sad to hear the news. I kind of want to say " I have my own problems and don't really care!" Of course if I did that I would take the chance of sounding like a Bitch.
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I have to say that after my losses...I'm much the same. Over time it's eased up a hair, but, I know very well what you're saying...avoiding people in public, tired of others problems, and I'm with you now about especially MJ! Hugs!
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteSweetie, you are absolutely entitled to be judgmental. I am SO proud of you for everything. You are SUCH an inspiration to me. (And I hear you about MJ, totally agree!) LOve you lots!
ReplyDeleteIt is during these tough times, that i realized God was next to me...holding me & crying with me ....i had a hard time moving forward with God, until i truly understood this idea of a compassionate & sad God...one who doesn't want His children to suffer...& one who is unheartbroken when loss happens...
ReplyDeleteSeveral times i had to leave during a service in tears (this was after taking a long haitus from regular church service)
HUGS!!!!
I can say that my experiences have made me hardened. Life is much more black and white, with far less "grey" areas. There is right and wrong... fair and unjust.
ReplyDeleteLife isn't fair, and many people who do wrong are rewarded... and I have yet to figure out why.
I could have written this post as well. Especially the religion part. I feel abandoned by God. The "why's" get me every time. Why me? is the biggest. It's been almost three years and I have yet to find my way back to church. Maybe some day.