I have decided to blog! I am starting this blog to help me get out alot of feelings of loss and heartache after losing our baby at 16weeks. For those who are knew to my blog here is my story...
On February 15, 2009 Dave and I found out that we were expecting another baby. We were SO surprised, I had just gone through alot of testing and some problems after delivering my third baby, we were told by a few doctors that my best bet would be to have a hysterectomy. So, we found out that we were expecting, after one loss in 2006 we were cautiously optimistic, but so completely excited! Our first appt came and we watched the u/s screen with big eyes hoping to see that beautiful flickering heartbeat. There it was, what an amazing thing to see, just what we had hoped for. My OB warned us that we did still have a high chance of miscarriage until 9 weeks. I made another appt for 9 weeks as I was only 6wks and 4 days at this appt.
I began to get very ill, which was normal for me, but this was different, I was having a very difficult time keeping anything down at all. After 5 hospitals stays for IV fluids and a loss of 20lbs in three weeks, we decided that it would be best to be put on home health care. The home health was a pump that was administered by me into my legs a needle about an inch and a half long that went into my upper thigh and gave me a constant flow of zofran. After alot of tweaking by my nurses at home health, we ended up with a combination of zofran, reglan and benedryl which finally got the nausea and vomitting under control. Now, my only concern was the pain and bruising in my legs from all the needle pokes.
I continued with my OB visits, once every 2 weeks to monitor a large fibroid that I had. The baby was doing well, I was having a bit of pain from the fibroid, but all completely worth it to me, I was going to be having another baby! After our 9 week appt, we were in the clear and decided to announce it to the world and to our children that we were expecting another baby.....how exciting!
I went to the doctor for my routine 16 week appt, my OB came in with the doppler and a quick tummy check. No heartbeat with the doppler, he wasn't too concerned, it had happened at the appt 5 days prior, just the fibroid getting in the way, so we waited for the u/s machine. While waiting, I knew something wasn't right, it wasn't going to turn out good. But, I still kept thinking, of course it will, we are in the clear, well into the second trimester. Then it happened, my absolute worst nightmare the u/s came up and the baby had no heartbeat. My OB didn't say anything, he went back and forth showing me the fibroid then coming back to the baby. I said "there is nothing there" to which he answered "I am so sorry Trace" I started to cry asking "why, god?" he told me how sorry he was and held me for a very long time. I was by myself and thinking how was I going to call my husband and tell him this.
My OB told me he would talk to me that night so we could figure out where to go from there. I called my mom and asked her to come and get me, I knew that I could never drive home, I didn't know if my legs would carry me out the door. I didn't know what to do, I felt terrible for my girls who talked everyday about having another baby. How do you, as a mommy tell your children that their sibling died. I couldn't even understand it myself let alone explain it to a small child.
We decided to have a D&E on Tuesday, 4 days later. My daughter's preschool festivities were coming up and I knew that I couldn't miss them. The weekend was absolute hell for me, walking around with a pregnant, beautiful belly but no longer being pregnant is pure torture. I remember sitting on the bed crying asking my husband if it were wrong of me to be wearing maternity clothes. I had no choice though, so I would put them on, and then put an over sized sweater to hide myself from the world. The thought of someone asking me when I was due, scared the hell out of me, and I didn't want to take a chance of that happening.
That Tuesday we went in at 8:30am for the surgery. I was bombarded with questions, terrible, sad, hurtful questions. I cried all morning. I had the most wonderful OB, nurses and anesthesiologist. She was wonderful she held my hand and told me how sorry she was and wished she could stop it all from happening. I will forever be in debt to some of them, they helped me in ways I can never thank them for. After the surgery, I went to recovery where my BP wasn't stabilizing I was passing out and very dizzy. I was admitted for observation, later that night I had severe pain in my belly and passed out again. My BP was 88/44 and my heart rate had dropped to 38. They found out that the blood was rising back into my uterus and a D&C would be needed right away. So, I went in for a second surgery in less than 10 hours.There were 2 litres of blood in my uterus that they had to remove, I need a 2 unit blood transfusion and stayed until the following evening.
Leaving the hospital was the hardest part of the hospital stay, every time I would get ready to go I would break down in tears. I was leaving my baby behind and how could I do that. It took me a little while to "yank" myself out of the bed and go. The ride out in the wheel chair was long and heart wrenching.
It has now been 6 weeks since the loss of our little baby, I still some days can't believe that this happening. It's so surreal. We are still waiting for the results of the pathology report and hope to find out a reason why, but I know that there is a large possibility that I will never know. I am slowly healing and hope that it I continue to feel a little better each day.
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