Delusional

Am I? I went to the funeral home Sunday for my brother's girlfriends grandmother's wake(confused yet!). I didn't want to go but thought it would be fine, I don't equate funeral homes with the loss of the baby. Brother's girlfriend we'll call her L, she has a cousin who strangely enough has a little boy that was born 3 days after Xander, and is pregnant and due the same day that I was with this baby...October 30. Now, I don't have a problem with seeing pregnant women either, it's really a part of life, I have noticed that they truly are everywhere, especially if you are at an amusement park, pool, waterpark....you know anywhere you are trying to have a nice family outing! Anyways, the girl(L's cousin) comes up to us(myself, my mom and my dad)and is talking, it was a fine conversation, we talked about how she is related to my uncle's ex-wife, small world. We talk about the difference between Xander and her little boy, he is so much taller, alot more hair, just a bigger boy all around. Then she tells L that her mom would be back soon to bring her food. I felt myself getting hot(you know that terrifying feeling, when you know something is going to be said to send into a complete panic, hot, red face and tears.) So L then says, "oh, she's having another baby, she her little baby bump....how sweet." L then looks at me and says "she is due around the same time as you were" SLAP Really that is what it felt like a big SLAP I didn't know what to do, I knew I couldn't stay there because it was coming and fast. So, I said I have to go and ran to my car, tears streaming down my face.

Later that night, my mom calls and asks how I'm doing. I said I was fine, but I knew that was going to happen, why did I go, what was I thinking. She says, "well, it didn't kill you, you will be ok" Then she asked why I am still upset. I replied"Mom, it's only been a month, how should I feel" "Well" she says"you seem to me that you are thinking if you just forget about all of this pretend it didn't happen that it wouldn't have and you will be pregnant again" First, I'm guessing she was trying to help, in some really odd way, she was trying. I replied " I'm not insane, how could I possibly still think I was pregnant, there is a constant reminder everyday that I am not when I put my clothes on" " I don't know she says, but it's just what I think, and I also think you are blaming yourself." Well, I don't know if I am blaming myself but it's really hard to go through all of this and then for it to be gone, it's hard not to think....hmmm....what did I do. Not that I hurt the baby, but I keep thinking, where did I go wrong, I have always tried to be a good person, what was I being punished for(catholic upbringing maybe).

So, you tell me, you all know me pretty well, am I completely delusional? Sure it would be nice if I could just wish this all away but I know that isn't possible .