Today

I am sad....sad about so many things..

~sad because I don't have Zoe anymore, not in the way that I want her.

~sad because the people I need to understand, don't understand.

~sad because I am overwhelmed and I hate to be that way, I like to be in control of myself and my feelings, and I'm not...at all.

~sad because I have lost myself in my sadness and that is a hard thing to face.

~sad because I am planning a memorial service and not a baptism to have Zoe blessed.

~sad because I want to add another baby to our family, and my girls ask me everyday, but I have to face the reality that that will probably never happen.



I am tired...

~tired physically, because I don't sleep....ever

~tired emotionally because I miss my little girl.

~tired of people not understanding

~tired of being told that I am perceiving things differently than they are happening.

~tired of our families

~tired of ignorance

~tired of my mind always racing, it never stops, there are so many things going through my mind that I honestly can't think straight and always second guess myself.

Angry...

~angry that there are so many sad things going on in the world, so many losses, new ones each day. Women losing their babies at all stages in pregnancy, it's heartbreaking. Sweet little Stellan who is so little and so weak right now and just needs a break.





~angry that my body sucks and there is nothing I can do about it, I have NO control.

~angry with myself for not being able to let things go and to just feel ok with things.

~angry that this pregnancy was taken from me and I may never be pregnant again and that is not my choice.

~angry because I am planning a memorial service that I feel I won't be able to grieve at because I will be judged the entire time by everyone there because I am still sad two months later.

But, I am blessed...

~blessed with my children, all of them, including Zoe. They are wonderful, they amaze be everyday, they love me unconditionally and they show me on a daily basis.

~blessed to have people that I have never met in real life actually care for me, text me, call me, email me to see how I am doing.

~blessed to have met Nicole, she is amazing, helpful and sweet. She is truly a kind hearted person who I think deserves the world.
And Tawnya, who makes sure she checks on me on a daily basis, even though she has her own very important things going on. She helped me through some rough times during my pregnancy and I hope she knows that I love her for everything she has done for me.
For Christy, who sent me a book about loss, because she was thinking about me two months after it happened, she still remembered that I was grieving.
For Laura who also checks on me several times a week, just to send me some hugs and to tell me that she is thinking of me and she knows just when I need them.

~blessed that even though I only had Zoe in my belly for a short amount of time, it meant the world to me, I would do anything to have that back if even for a moment.