Ok, so this might

be because every thought that goes through my mind involves TTC. But, today I was looking at recipes....I came across this.




Doesn't it totally look like a photo of a reproductive system?

grossest.thing.ever

The little guy had to go to the doctor today. He has been sick for a little while, vomiting on and off. I realized after thinking about it forever that it began three days into our Kalahari trip, so the doctor thought that maybe it was/is a parasite. What does that even mean?! Anyways.....he went to the doctor and they sent me home with this..............



Gross, right(You have to use your imagination here a bit.....picture a diaper as well!)!?! So fast forward to later that afternoon. The little guy goes potty so I am armed with my two sticks and my oh.so.little cup. Paige walks in and says "Hey Mom, whatcha makin'?" "hehe, oh, nothing Pay" I reply. "Eww...is that POOP?" she says "Why are you doing that?"

The poor child is probably traumatized for life at the sight of her Mom playing with her little brother's poop! But, we do what we have to do as Mom's, right?!

I'll let you know what comes of the test.

Why do you still have that?

my Dad asked....in reference to my bottle of needles from my pregnancy with Zoe. He asked Dave and he answered "Tracy doesn't want to get rid of them" Then to me my Dad asked "You don't want to get rid of them, why not...throw them away" I replied "I can't, I don't want to"

I know it is strange, I know that it isn't understood by alot of people, but I can't throw them away. It is sort of a piece of her that I need to hold onto. I wish that I didn't feel that way, but I do. I felt so stupid when he said, "throw them away"...I wish it were that easy!

Pregnancy and Weddings

I know that when you are getting married, everything is about that wedding. I remember when I was getting married my sister got pregnant and was due just 2 weeks before my day. I was a little upset when I found out, I mean it was my wedding, afterall.

Thinking about it now I don't really understand why I thought that way. I understand it's a big day, but so is pregnancy, so if you can get there and stay there....go for it. Maybe just don't be due on the wedding day!

I don't think I am better than other people

If you have to say this at the start of a conversation or several times during the conversation, chances are you think you are better than other people.

Yesterday while waiting in the preschool pick up line. I listened to a mother talk about Kindergarten. She is upset with the school that her daughter will be going to. It isn't a bad school(I know this because I went there as a kid) it's in the same district as the school my kids go to but it is in a lower income neighborhood. She has a problem with that. While explaining to everyone in line(some of which live in this neighborhood) she went on and on about how she worked hard for what she has and is NOT ABOUT TO RUIN IT because of a bunch of low lives. As if the rest of us who own/rent homes have not worked hard for what we have. She also made sure to say every three or so minutes "believe me, I don't think I am better than anyone else" Ummmm...yes you do, you just called people that go to preschool with your daughter low lives.

She continued to say she always admired my house, then when she realized I lived there she was surprised(because I am a low life :)..eye roll). She said "I got the luck of the draw" because my neighborhood went to a good school. No luck of the draw here, we researched, researched a little more and then decided we liked the school system and put a bid in on our home. I mean, after all, it is public and in most cases common knowledge.

And finally, she said she doesn't want her daughter to be influenced by "bad" kids and turn out to not be a good person....to which someone replied "you are molding her to become that way!"

Plan B

Let me preface by saying that I don't agree with abortion or plan B, I think life starts with conception. I wouldn't do either,but in some circumstances I suppose it's a good thing to be available.


I'm talking about the emergency contraceptive. I was on Webmd reading some posts and a boyfriend posted about his girlfriend taking it for the last two months after having sex, she is worried about long term effects, future pregnancies...etc. Here is the problem I have with it.....Why are people taking it every month? If you don't want to get pregnant you have a few choices.......1. being the most obvious, don't have sex. and 2. use some kind of protection, I don't care what it is, use it, that is what they are there for.

Because, here is the thing, do they even know what the long term effects are? I mean you take it every month, then what? Can you keep getting pregnant? It seems like common sense, if you don't want to get pregnant use protection every month rather than taking something after the fact. I know things happen, but this is not one of those things.

Struggling, Juggling and Sleep

There you go. This is what is going on with me struggling, juggling and sleep.

Sleep is non existent, literally. Even if I take a sleeping pill. Problem is I don't know if I am not sleeping or if my constant mind racing is also in my dreams. Either way in the morning I am still terribly tired.

When I lost Zoe, after going through my "stages" I threw myself into volunteering. For EVERYTHING. I wanted to give myself a purpose. Now, I can't keep up. I am trying to do so many things and I feel like I am failing at all of them.

I am trying so hard to be a good Mom, I volunteer like crazy for Sadie's school. I have chaired several different programs and still have several more coming up. In turn I feel like I have to volunteer at Paige's school, so I do. I help finish projects, hang things at school, make crafts, make snacks. Then I want to make sure I am spending extra time with Xander because if I don't, I'm neglecting. When we went to Kalahari this week, I ran myself like a mad woman because I wanted to make sure we got in everything and then some each day. Because if I didn't I was lacking as a mother and a wife. And, here is the big thing, if someone else doesn't do as much as I do, I wonder why....isn't that what you do as a mother and wife? Really?!

Then I am trying to get this March of Dimes walk going, also get the support group and going at church. All are going well and making progress. But, I have lost all drive to do it. I feel like it is just too much for me and feel like when I do try and help other people it is setting me back, which is not something I need. Then I have an immense amount of guilt because shouldn't I be helping people, why so selfish to be thinking more about myself.

I'm having a hard time juggling it all. Do you believe I actually forgot to pay my car insurance last month? Completely forgot and got a phone call a month later that it had lapsed. Thank God they reinstated us.

I don't really know what the point to the post is except to hope that someone will tell me some of this is normal! :) I'm hoping that I am not the only one that feels this way. Hopefully it is just period I am going through. Sleep...I think that could do me some good!