Tomorrow is the day.
I have been waiting for 8 weeks to find out the pathology results. I decided that today I was going to call and get things figured out myself.
I started with the hospital, they told me that the report was in and that it had been faxed to my OB's office. My heart sank....I was possibly going to find out what I have been longing for for the last 8 weeks. I called my OB's office and I spoke to the receptionist who told me that the report has not arrived and that it would probably take another 4-6 weeks. I explained that the report was faxed from the pathology department, she assured me that my OB would call me tomorrow to help figure this out. I called the pathology department back and they re-faxed the info to my OB.
So, now I wait. Wait to find out the definate sex of my little baby. Wait to find out what happened to her and maybe why it happened. Wait. Or, I wait to find out nothing....to know nothing about the baby, no sex, no reason, nothing. I pray that this report will come through for me, I need this. I need to know if the baby was a boy or a girl, I need to name my baby, I need to give myself some sort of closure.
Please, if you all can spare me some thoughts and prayers I would appreciate it more than you know. Think of me today and tomorrow, this is going to be the longest 24 hours of my life and I don't know if I can make it through. I feel sick to my stomach that tomorrow instead of still being blissfully pregnant, I will instead possibly find out why my baby died. Thank you.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
I got a henna tattoo last night..
The local library here had a "Ladies Night Out" I went with a couple of friends. They did henna tattoos, you know they are temporary and made with organic, earthy items. I want a real one, but am still a little too chicken, so this is the next best thing, but eventually! So, I got two, it was alot of fun! So I added a few pictures, I hope you can tell what they are, they both have flowers one is on my wrist the other on my leg.
Curious
Just curious..
I have said in a previous blog that I wished I hadn't had the D&E. I have alot of regrets of that, I wish that I could have seen the baby even if only for a second.
But I have a friend whom I was telling this too, and I said I wished I hadn't done that. Her answer was that she was surprised that I had, being Catholic and all. I knew what she was saying, I wondered if I was wrong, and still do. Did I make a bad decision, will this forever haunt me? Today, I was reading on a pregnancy loss board and that thought came up again, a girl was saying that she didn't know what choice to make a D&C or a natural miscarriage. She was afraid to chose the D&C because she is Catholic and thinks of it as an abortion. I knew exactly what she was saying. When I was asked what I wanted to do, I thought of my living children. The thought of them seeing me deliver a baby at home would be more than traumatizing to a little child. But, I also thought of myself and could I cope with something like that. I don't know if you can ever make the right choice when you are in that position, it's impossible, you can never know the what ifs.
So, I wonder, is it an abortion? What are your thoughts? My baby lost her heartbeat previous to my 16 week u/s. I didn't choose for that to happen, I wouldn't have ever chose for that to happen. But, I'm curious since the medical field believes it to be and marks it as a "abortion" is that how the general public and the catholic church feels about it?
I have said in a previous blog that I wished I hadn't had the D&E. I have alot of regrets of that, I wish that I could have seen the baby even if only for a second.
But I have a friend whom I was telling this too, and I said I wished I hadn't done that. Her answer was that she was surprised that I had, being Catholic and all. I knew what she was saying, I wondered if I was wrong, and still do. Did I make a bad decision, will this forever haunt me? Today, I was reading on a pregnancy loss board and that thought came up again, a girl was saying that she didn't know what choice to make a D&C or a natural miscarriage. She was afraid to chose the D&C because she is Catholic and thinks of it as an abortion. I knew exactly what she was saying. When I was asked what I wanted to do, I thought of my living children. The thought of them seeing me deliver a baby at home would be more than traumatizing to a little child. But, I also thought of myself and could I cope with something like that. I don't know if you can ever make the right choice when you are in that position, it's impossible, you can never know the what ifs.
So, I wonder, is it an abortion? What are your thoughts? My baby lost her heartbeat previous to my 16 week u/s. I didn't choose for that to happen, I wouldn't have ever chose for that to happen. But, I'm curious since the medical field believes it to be and marks it as a "abortion" is that how the general public and the catholic church feels about it?
A day at the zoo and a day at the Falls!
He's all tuckered out!
Smiling!
Monkeys and Giraffes
Buttermilk Falls...so beautiful!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Fourth of July weekend
Playing some soccer with cousins
Peaking through Mommy's legs
Fireworks!
Sadie
Xander, all tuckered out!
Paige!
We had a nice fourth of July weekend, fun, family, food and Fireworks!
7 weeks later...
It has been almost 7 weeks since I found out the baby lost her heartbeat, 6 weeks since I had my D&E and I still feel like it was yesterday. I am still having a really hard time. I cry everyday. I still get up and do things, I take the kids out everyday but I am sad. Really sad.
Seven weeks later...
I still have not brought myself to take the medical supplies from when I was pregnant and get rid of them. I have tried, but I can't.
I still have stacks of thank you cards on the table, only three of them are written out, because every time I sit down I start to cry and can't continue.
I still have a bottle of the used needles from my pump because I feel like they are a part of me, and I can't get rid of them.
I still haven't talked to a friend of mine who is pregnant, because she is due the same week and I just can't...I can't.
I still haven't set up a memorial service, because that would mean that I would have to face that this actually happened, and it ends it all....for good. I feel like everyone has forgotten that this has happened, I don't want anyone to forget, the baby is important, really important.
I feel crazy some days, but just keep telling myself this is normal!
Seven weeks later...
I still have not brought myself to take the medical supplies from when I was pregnant and get rid of them. I have tried, but I can't.
I still have stacks of thank you cards on the table, only three of them are written out, because every time I sit down I start to cry and can't continue.
I still have a bottle of the used needles from my pump because I feel like they are a part of me, and I can't get rid of them.
I still haven't talked to a friend of mine who is pregnant, because she is due the same week and I just can't...I can't.
I still haven't set up a memorial service, because that would mean that I would have to face that this actually happened, and it ends it all....for good. I feel like everyone has forgotten that this has happened, I don't want anyone to forget, the baby is important, really important.
I feel crazy some days, but just keep telling myself this is normal!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Realization....
I have always known that the toughest times in life are when you find out who you can really count on. There are really good people in this world, and I am extremely lucky to have been blessed to have them in my life.
The past almost six months for me have been trying, the past two have been absolute hell. There are so many people that I am thankful for through this process...
~My husband has been absolutely amazing, I never knew how wonderful he was until we were hit with something so hard. He has always been my best friend, but I never knew what that meant to me until now. He has spent countless nights holding me and telling me it was ok, we would make it through this, he's strong and amazing. We have a wonderful marriage that has just gotten stronger recently and I am so happy for that, it's kind of my saving grace. I hope that he knows what a fantastic father, husband and friend that he is.
~My children, they always know when I need the extra smile, hug or the sweet little things they say. They are the best, and I love them more each day.
~My "real life" friends have been non-understanding, I guess I can't really blame them, they have never been through anything like this, thank god. But I was hoping for a little more. There are girls that I met through webmd boards 3 years ago when I lost a baby at 8 weeks. I went there looking for support, I never knew that I would find life long friendships and the most understanding, compassionate women I have ever met. All of them have children, husbands, lives but still take the time to text, email, message or call me to tell me they are thinking of me. I know that I will never be able to repay you for what you have done for me, but I hope that you know what you all mean to me.
~My OB, I swear the man is a saint. I have been going to him for 10 years and he has always been wonderful. He held me while I cried after I found out about the baby and didn't rush me out of the office. He calls me once a week to see how I am doing, and to see if I need anything. It's amazing, and I would never expect a doctor to do that, especially two months after everything happened.
~The anesthesiologist at the hospital. I feel like she was sent to watch over me throughout my hospital stays. The day of my D&E she came in and held my hand, she told me how sorry she was and talked with me. She helped me set up funeral arrangements and talked to Dave to make sure everything was ok with him. After the D&E I needed an emergency D&C, she came back that night to do the second procedure. A couple of days later I was admitted again and they couldn't find a vein, she came and numbed my arms and worked until she could get a vein, and I didn't feel a thing. About an hour later, I woke up to her moving my hair out of my face. When I looked at her she apologized for waking me up and told me that she had been thinking of me throughout the week. She said she wanted me to know that she was so sorry, I was such a sweet girl and she was praying for me. I started to cry, she will never know what she did for me, she had a calming presence about her and she really helped me through that first week.
I hope those of you that I am talking about know how much you mean to me. I may not be the most graceful at saying it, but you are wonderful and I love you. Thank you!
The past almost six months for me have been trying, the past two have been absolute hell. There are so many people that I am thankful for through this process...
~My husband has been absolutely amazing, I never knew how wonderful he was until we were hit with something so hard. He has always been my best friend, but I never knew what that meant to me until now. He has spent countless nights holding me and telling me it was ok, we would make it through this, he's strong and amazing. We have a wonderful marriage that has just gotten stronger recently and I am so happy for that, it's kind of my saving grace. I hope that he knows what a fantastic father, husband and friend that he is.
~My children, they always know when I need the extra smile, hug or the sweet little things they say. They are the best, and I love them more each day.
~My "real life" friends have been non-understanding, I guess I can't really blame them, they have never been through anything like this, thank god. But I was hoping for a little more. There are girls that I met through webmd boards 3 years ago when I lost a baby at 8 weeks. I went there looking for support, I never knew that I would find life long friendships and the most understanding, compassionate women I have ever met. All of them have children, husbands, lives but still take the time to text, email, message or call me to tell me they are thinking of me. I know that I will never be able to repay you for what you have done for me, but I hope that you know what you all mean to me.
~My OB, I swear the man is a saint. I have been going to him for 10 years and he has always been wonderful. He held me while I cried after I found out about the baby and didn't rush me out of the office. He calls me once a week to see how I am doing, and to see if I need anything. It's amazing, and I would never expect a doctor to do that, especially two months after everything happened.
~The anesthesiologist at the hospital. I feel like she was sent to watch over me throughout my hospital stays. The day of my D&E she came in and held my hand, she told me how sorry she was and talked with me. She helped me set up funeral arrangements and talked to Dave to make sure everything was ok with him. After the D&E I needed an emergency D&C, she came back that night to do the second procedure. A couple of days later I was admitted again and they couldn't find a vein, she came and numbed my arms and worked until she could get a vein, and I didn't feel a thing. About an hour later, I woke up to her moving my hair out of my face. When I looked at her she apologized for waking me up and told me that she had been thinking of me throughout the week. She said she wanted me to know that she was so sorry, I was such a sweet girl and she was praying for me. I started to cry, she will never know what she did for me, she had a calming presence about her and she really helped me through that first week.
I hope those of you that I am talking about know how much you mean to me. I may not be the most graceful at saying it, but you are wonderful and I love you. Thank you!
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