This was my blog about a week ago...I would like to add onto this
A recent discussion on a trying after loss board. The ladies there are great and the discussion went well, rather than people saying rude things to one another, we were respectful, the way it should be.
So, the situation. If you lose a pregnancy but already have children, is it easier for you than someone who has no children, more difficult or do you see no difference?
Her thoughts and fears were that she has a very difficult time because she has a fear that she will never get pregnant. If you already have children then you know what that is like, you can't have those fears.
My reply......to see a loss through your children's eyes is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and in a way it didn't allow me to grieve in the way that I needed because I was concerned on how it may hurt them.
So, thoughts?
Here is an add on to that post....
When I posted this, I want everyone to know that my intention was not to say that my experience was worse because I had children. It was more to let people know that all losses are painful and each is different in it's own right. My loss was not any more difficult than yours because I have children, just different because there were other people involved. I have never been in the shoes of losing a baby before having children. I cannot imagine the thoughts that go through ones mind and the pain associated with it.
Every loss is a heartbreaking experience, I feel for anyone who has had to go through it.
Totally understand! Hopefully everyone understood you...as well as each other as posters! That's why for me...I can only say which one was harder on me!
ReplyDeleteMy first loss, I never thought something tragic would happen to me...and when it did it was awful and very traumatizing. But after having one loss and one healthy child I thought for SURE, it won't happen again...so I wasn't protecting myself at all and got knocked down so quickly again!
I very much agree with the poster that stated, why do people feel such the need to compete with others in this like pain? :( So sad, right?
The only thing I know is how I dealt with each of my losses. And I pray to never know how I'd deal with another, early or later, or whenever in order of my children/pregnancies!
HUGS to all!
I totally understood girl! I didn't get that feeling at all from you. :)
ReplyDeleteHey I just re-read the responses from your last post and hope you didn't take mine wrong. I tend to say "you" a lot and didn't mean YOU as in Tracy...just a general "you" as in anyone out there. I totally didn't think you were bashing anyone or saying that your loss was harder. (((HUGS))) Sorry...I should really clarify things better when I type.
ReplyDeleteI have thought about this since your first post, and I just didn't know how to put it into words. You are right that there is no way to define what loss is "better"
ReplyDeleteI have had it both ways... and they both sucked! That being said, they were painful for different reasons. (bare in mind that Mason was too little to have a concept of loss like your girls... that adds a whole other dimension of pain!)
My thoughts of my pre-M losses were the loss of a "dream" I dreamed of being a mom, and was scarred of "what if..." I never could. The dream that may go unanswered was that most painful part.
My loss post-M was more "real" to me, because it wasn't just a dream anymore. I had KNOWN what it was to carry, hold, love and nurture a baby... it was horrible to know all that I was missing out on. Yes, I did have M to distract me... and in some ways it helped to save my sanity. In others (like Michelle said) you don't have the privacy or capability to grieve as you wish.
Both were hard, and both were painful. I don't know how to judge which one more so... it's a very personal issue.
Also your loss of Zoe is compounded by the fact that it was a 2nd trimester loss. I have never experianced that... never, will I even attempt to judge how any person should handle that. You need to grieve as YOU need to... and no one else can tell you how.
(((hugs))) and lots of LOVE!
All I know is that losing a baby is horrible. No one should have to go through that sort of pain and heartache. Whether you have children or not, a loss is a loss. My heart goes out to ALL women who have suffered a loss.
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