Making a little girls birthday special again.

This year I want to make Paige's birthday a special one. Last year just 7 days before her birthday she found out that her little sister had died. Just the day before her birthday I had just gotten out of the hospital because of problems that I was having.

I remember her birthday so well last year. I remember her continuing to ask why her sister wasn't in my tummy any more. I remember her asking if I still loved the baby or was that why she left. I remember her asking why I was sad. I remember her asking why she couldn't have her a big birthday party. I remember the entire family talking about how hard this will be on them.

This year I want her birthday to be special, it's just 3 weeks away now. That's hard to believe. We are going to go to a local tea parlor and have a tea party with her friends! I know that she doesn't remember that she lost her sister near her birthday. But, I will never forget, because I lost one daughter and disappointed another. I hope this birthday is a special one.

An unpopular opinion, I'm sure

I frequent a few message boards and consistency you always see is the following comments regarding pregnancy loss:

"God chose for this to happen"

"God saw that your weren't ready and took the baby"

"God took the baby because you wouldn't have wanted a baby with problems"

"The Lord wanted it that way"

"He will decide when the time is right, we have no control over that"

Ok, so I believe in God, after everything that happened last year, I will admit I had a very hard time going back to church. I didn't go for a very long time because I was angry. I had that thought that I must have done something wrong in life for this to have happened to me. I was in a sense being punished for my "sins".

I have since then realized that that, is ridiculous. I get angry when someone tells me that God was the one that decided I shouldn't have my children. Why would someone who is supposed to be wonderful, look out for people and performed miracles(by the bible) chose to break someone so badly by taking their child from them. I cannot accept that as any kind of answer for anything.

If God didn't want me to have Zoe, why take her half way through the pregnancy, why not just stop it before it happened. If he didn't want me to have my twins and our other angel, why allow me to become pregnant in the first place just to break my heart 8 weeks later.

For anyone who is really religious and believes all of these things, it does not help a grieving Mother if you tell her that God didn't think she was ready. It makes her question herself, her life, her love and her faith. Why add more heartbreak to an already terrible situation?

Due date

Today is my due date with our twins. I know that I would have had them by now and I wonder how life would have been with them here. They were with me for such a short amount of time and I missed out on everything in the pregnancy.

It's hard to believe so much time has passed. I miss them.

I do find a little comfort that they have a sister and another angel sibling to be with, since I can not be.

Generosity

For the last six weeks or so we have been doing fundraising for our March of Dimes walk. For the last six weeks or so, I have been completely overwhelmed and amazed by the wonderful comments, supportive thoughts and prayers and the generosity of our family and friends.

We could have never imagined that we would surpass our goal of $1500, but we have. It is because of amazing people that I met on this journey four years ago, and because of family who were there with us during our most difficult year.

We will never be able to show or tell anyone how much we appreciate all of the support that we have received. I can only hope that I have done only a fraction for you all that you have done for me the last few weeks.

Again, thank you so much for your generosity. You will all be in our thoughts tomorrow when we walk for our sweet girl Zoe and all of your babies who were born early. The babies who are thriving today and the babies who are bouncing with Zoe in the clouds. Thank you....from the bottom of my heart.

Strangest, Grossest pregnancy announcement

via Facebook, of course. This may be because I am jaded and grumpy right now, but here is a pregnancy announcement.....this was the day she got the BFP.

So from the due date calculator online it looks like we are do christmas day, which is perfect since we conceived on easter, lol... so we fertilized my easter egg and will be giving the gift of life for christmas!

So, is this me being a little crabby or is this too much informations and slightly strange?

Competition

I wish I knew why people had to make everything in life a competition. It's really getting difficult for me to deal with. Many of the things that I have been doing have been for Zoe, for my children, for Dave and for myself. It's a healing process for all of us. I know that it isn't going to make things easy, but it certainly makes it easier.

Here's the thing, you don't want to be me, you don't want to deal with the things that I have dealt with the last two years. I wouldn't change my life at all, but it has been a daily struggle to go on and to understand why all of these things were happening.

Please understand I know how blessed we are, we are so happy for the blessings we have received. But, for someone to follow in every foot step and want to do every.single.thing. I do, it's too much. And to compare your situation to mine is wrong, it can't be compared, ever. I don't have my daughter, I didn't get the chance to hold her. I don't know if this is easier, I don't want to know, all I know is that there is no comparison. I have not had a baby early and seen the struggles they go through, but you have never had to decide what to do with your childs ashes.

I just would like a little break, please.

Onto cycle 3 or 17

Cycle number 2 was also a bust. I'm completely bummed, or angry whichever you want to use. So today started a new one, hopefully this month brings me something good. Thanks for all of the support so far, I appreciate it more than you know.