A judgmental me

I was reading a friends blog, she talked about people being judgmental, people complaining and how she has changed as a person. I probably could have written the same post. There are so many things about me that have changed in the last 2 months, it's amazing how one event in your life can shake everything up so much.

~I am judgmental, terribly so. I probably always have been but I know that I am more now. An example which caused some talk on facebook...I saw a girl about 8 months pregnant walking through a parking lot smoking. My first thought "How dare she?" I immediately jumped to thinking how could she jeopardize her childs life for her own addiction. I don't know her life, her circumstance, and I didn't care. Then, sadly I thought I was entitled to that opinion because I had just suffered a great loss even though I had done everything humanly possible to get my baby here safely, and I failed...miserably. I think I probably hurt someones feelings and I feel terrible about it. But, I still without knowing the circumstances cannot understand it.

~I haven't been back to church since I lost the baby. For alot of reasons, I'm angry I want to know what I did that I am being punished in such a way. I have actually tried several times to go, but can't make myself get in the car to go there. I keep hearing it was all meant to be, the baby was meant to be with God...right now though I think that is a load of crap to be brutally honest.

~I avoid people, I never used to be this way. Actually the opposite, I like to sit and talk with people. Even in a store where I don't know them, I guess I just like to talk. Now I will avoid them at all costs. I have actually seen someone I know in the grocery store and gone a different route, waited a few minutes until I think they are gone then go back to that aisle.

~I think it's sad when people die, it's heartbreaking for all involved. But, I have to say that I am completely done with hearing about Michael Jackson's death. Yes, it's sad....but is it any sadder than the man next door who was 50 yrs old dying too young? Not to me. And, when people go on and on about it, my MIL for example was very sad to hear the news. I kind of want to say " I have my own problems and don't really care!" Of course if I did that I would take the chance of sounding like a Bitch.

Medical Terminology

I was already having a rough day, I haven't been sleeping well, there are so many things going through my head. It's hard to get them all straight so I don't sleep well. Then I go to get the mail, I received a bill today from Anesthesia Associates for the anesthesia charges for my D&E. I'm not sure why I opened it, but after I did I wished I hadn't. The bills looks as follows.....


5/19/09 treatment for missed abortion 780.00
treatment for missed abortion adj. 360.00
treatment for missed abortion you owe: 40.90

I can't believe that still the medical field refers to the loss of a baby, a miscarriage to me as a missed abortion. After losing something as precious to you as this baby was to me, seeing the word abortion on your medical bills is completely devastating to say the least.

I am thinking of calling the company, or writing a letter. And letting them know that what I have been going through was NOT an abortion. I lovingly carried my baby well into the second trimester and had the decision taken from me on what was going to happen next. I feel very strongly that the medical terminology needs to change. It just adds more heartache to a completely broken heart. Sadly, I know that this is the first of many bills that will say this.

I can't do this..

I have tried so hard over the last month and a half to put on the strong face, go to everything I am "expected" to go to. I am tired, exhausted really and I can't do it anymore. I am barely hanging on and I feel like I am going to fall at any time. Whoever said you are only given what you can handle? Ptf! I don't believe it, and who is the person that picks the "lucky" one that gets to endure all they can handle!?

A day outside

There is nothing better than a day outside to play! We had alot fun with chalk drawings, soccer playing, coupe riding and power wheels sharing!

If I knew then what I know now...

So, here it is. I think all the time, too much probably. My mind is constantly racing possibly/probably the reason I can't sleep more than 2 hours a night. Do you ever wish you could see the future so you knew how to act in the present?

Here goes.... If I knew then what I know now....

I would have NEVER complained while I was pregnant and changing my pump needles, I would have cherished and embraced that time instead.

I would have talked to the baby a little longer every night, even if just to say "I Love You" one more time.

I would have taken that final u/s picture, I completely regret not having it, even if the baby was gone it was one more piece of her.

I would have never said that I didn't want any more children after this baby(I thought that the pregnancy was just too hard, and didn't think I would do it again) really, what a selfish thing to say.

and finally, if I knew then what I know now...

I would have chosen a different way to "have" the baby, and NEVER had the D&E, I feel like what I did was wrong, and I wish that I had had an induction instead.

I think about these things constantly, they play like a movie over and over in my head. Part of the process I guess.

Finally here is one of the u/s of the baby, I was about 13 weeks along, I think. I love this picture, you can see the babies arms, legs, hands perfectly and she was giving a little wave. But, just wanted to share, since I hadn't before.(sorry it's a pic of a pic, once I scan it will be better)

A picture of heaven.....

Ever since I was a little girl, thinking of family that had passed, you are always told "they went to heaven, to watch over you" I would always picture the sun poking through the clouds. You know what I mean, that beautiful scene of the bright sun breaking through. For me it always happens to come when I really need some hope, heaven shining down....an angel watching over me with a smile. Now, it means so much more than it ever has before.

Naming a baby

I think most mommies and daddies would agree that one of the fun and exciting parts of being pregnant or having a new baby is coming up with a name for that baby. What if the baby is gone? Then what? We want to name our baby, we know that, we aren't certain of the sex yet, though I feel the baby was a girl. So, we are thinking of a unisex name. While I like the name and know that Dave likes it as well, it isn't a name that I would have chosen had the baby been here with us on earth. We want to have a memorial service for the baby, but I feel like we should name him/her first. I'm afraid that if we name the baby now and find out in a few weeks that the baby was a boy or a girl, I will be sorry that I chose something so quickly and didn't wait to give her a "proper" name. These are decisions that I don't want to make but are weighing heavy on my heart.