This upcoming week I have something very important happening, I am hoping that you all can think of me a little bit and send some thoughts or prayers my way. Please know that I will greatly appreciate them and I will let you all know very soon what is going on. Thank you for all of your support thus far, it mean so much to me. Love you.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Not my Child...Monday
Head over to McMama's blog and read about the things that our children did NOT do this week!
I'm not sure how I could possibly fill up an entire blog about what my children have NOT done. They after all are perfect angels....of course! But, I shall try! I will warn you most will be about sweet little Xander's because after all he is almost two and is a boy.
I did NOT catch my
He then did NOT take another cup of the said toilet water and throw it all over his sisters, all while laughing hysterically..of course!
It is NOT Xander's favorite thing in the world to take off his diaper and throw it across the room.
Sadie did NOT read the newspaper to her Uncle because he insisted that you couldn't read something that difficult. Then she did NOT say, see I told you I could.
Paige did NOT tell her sister yesterday that there are two babies in our house, Xander and Zoe. Then she did NOT say, don't forget about Zoe(how sweet!).
Xander did NOT run to the car and get in before anyone else, sit down in Sadie's seat and say "haha...Sa-ie!" NOT sweet little Xander!
So, like I said, it's impossible to say what my children did NOT do, because they are the best!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Conflicted
I'm truly conflicted lately. I have alot of really good things going on in my life right now. Great things that are making me happy. But, everytime I feel that happiness come up I feel terrible that I am not a little more sad for Zoe. I miss her, I do...terribly. But, I am happy and wanting to be excited for all of the things that are coming.
Today I was doing well, we went to my brother's college graduation and there was the girl. You know the one that I have talked about before, she is pregnant and due just 4 days after I was with Zoe. Immediately I have sadness came over me. While there still are these wonderful things going on in my life, I have the confliction of being happy, but missing Zoe at the same time.
I don't know what is the right way to feel. I know that all these feelings are valid, I just wish it was a little easier to cope with and comprehend.
Today I was doing well, we went to my brother's college graduation and there was the girl. You know the one that I have talked about before, she is pregnant and due just 4 days after I was with Zoe. Immediately I have sadness came over me. While there still are these wonderful things going on in my life, I have the confliction of being happy, but missing Zoe at the same time.
I don't know what is the right way to feel. I know that all these feelings are valid, I just wish it was a little easier to cope with and comprehend.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
All about Zoe's life
This is Zoe's story, for the blog Say it with Flowers. It was asked if you recieved a flower, would you like to share your story. I did receive a beautiful flower for Zoe and I would love to share Zoe's story. I want everyone to know what a beautiful blessing she was to our entire family.
On February 15, 2009 I took a home pregnancy test, we found out to our delight and surprise that we were expecting! We have three earth children and one angel and we so very excited and nervous about this newest surprise! Our first appointment was at 6 weeks 4 days, we went in and my OB started the ultrasound, we watched with big eyes for that beautiful heartbeat to appear on the screen. There is really not much better in the world than to see that little flicker on the screen(the only thing better is hearing the heartbeat). My OB warned us that our risk of miscarriage is increased until 9 weeks, but that everything looked good. I scheduled an appointment to be right at 9 weeks and went home!
A few days later at 7 weeks 1 day, I started to become very ill, this is normal for me. I always get sick during pregnancy, but this sickness hit much harder. I was having a hard time keeping much of anything down. Five hospital stays later and after a 20lb weight loss, my OB decided that it would be best to go on home health care. That much dehydration was not good for my body and couldn't continue on that way. So, April 2, 2009 a nurse came to my home and placed an IV that would give me continuous fluids for 72 hours. She also trained me to place needles in my legs to continuously have Zofran going into my body to help with the sickness. The needles had to be changed every 6 hours, I had bruises up and down my legs from the constant medication. And, I carried around a pump that was over my shoulder which pushed the medication. I continued to lose weight, we tweaked medications until I ended up with a mixture of Zofran, phenerghan, reglan and benedryl. That combination finally began to work. I was on a special diet where I ate meals every two hours and my calorie intake was much higher than usual. I was feeling ok and began to gain a little bit of weight back, slowly but surely.
During this time I still continued to have routine appointments, every three weeks. My belly continued to grow, we found out at just over 13 weeks that our baby looked like a baby girl, not a hundred percent but he thought so. Our appointments all went well, things keep getting better, I was gaining weight, started to feel ok. Then at about 15 weeks I started having some pain, what felt to me like contractions, I went into the doctor the baby was fine, heart beating away on the screen. They said it was probably fibroid pain and it would probably continue because the baby was pushing up on the fibroid. OK! The next week at 16 weeks, I had my routine appointment. I told everyone that I had a bad feeling about the appointment, something just felt uneasy. I went in, he used the doppler to find the heartbeat and there was nothing. He said to just sit tight for a few minutes and we would do an ultrasound, as I laid there on the ultrasound table I knew that this day would be forever imprinted on my mind. Because, today, May 15, 2009 was NOT going to turn out the way that I wanted it to. He put the wand on my belly and there was our beautiful baby, with no heartbeat. It was heartbreaking, my OB didn't know what to say, I saw him scrambling. Finally I said, there is nothing there?!? He answered "I am so very sorry" My world came crashing down around me...tumbling down. There were a million things going through my mind, I was hysterical. I knew I had to call my husband, but how? How do you call someone who wanted this baby just as badly as you did and tell them that the baby was no more.
That weekend was a long one for me, I came home that evening and got right into cleaning, because what else was I to do. The thoughts of telling my children that there little baby we had been talking about had not survived rang through my mind. Such little innocent children had to find out this terrible thing that can happen. Dave and I sat them down and explained to them that their little baby got sick in Mommy's belly and couldn't fight being sick and so the baby had died. My heart truly sank, to see that look on their faces, and to answer the questions. "Mommy, didn't you love the baby" "Mommy, will I still get to meet the baby" "Mommy, why is your belly so big if the baby didn't live" While those questions, and answers, came hard to me, I had to think of how they felt.
My daughter was graduating from preschool that weekend, and I knew that I couldn't not go to the graduation. While I tried to get ready I sat on the bed crying because I didn't know how to dress. Sounds so silly now, but at the time it was huge. I had this beautiful pregnant belly, with this beautiful little being inside who was no longer alive. But, I went and I survived, that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
That following Tuesday May 19, 2009 I went in to have a D&E. Ironically it was exactly 10 weeks after our first beautiful appointment. This was the hardest day for me, I felt as if I was chosing for Zoe to be taken from me, like I was giving up on her. I was so very grateful to many people during my stay there, they were wonderful. While there we planned on were to send Zoe to be cremated, set up an appointment for Dave to go and talk to the Funeral Home director. The D&E seemed to go off well, I went to recovery 45 minutes after the start of the surgery. While in recovery I was not feeling well at all, dizzy, nauseous and all around crummy. That is when I fainted, they got me up and my BP was bad, really very low. They decided to admit me to monitor me. That evening I fainted again and was in terrible pain. It was found out that the blood was moving back into my uterus and I would need an emergency D&C. I went into surgery and they removed 2 litres of blood from my uterus. Again in recovery I was feeling better, I was given a blood transfusion of two bags and was getting a little bit of energy back. The next evening I was released, again I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I didn't want to leave the hospital, I was leaving my little girl. It was hard, very, very hard.
It has been 3 months since we lost our little girl, since then we have done things that I would have never thought that I would have to do. We have had our little sweet baby cremated, and had to pick up her ashes and bring them home, they are in a beautiful, little purple velvet bag. We have had to plan a memorial service, something small, but we want Zoe's ashes blessed. We named a little girl that we would never see in person, but her name has great meaning and fits her wonderfully. Zoe meaning "life" and Eliana meaning "God has answered" God answered our want to have another child, and blessed us with the short life of little Zoe.
We have grown alot as people, as parents, as a couple. While I would have never wished for this to happen, I was extremely blessed to have had Zoe as our little girl for the brief time that we did. At the time, while going through the pregnancy, I thought it was such a difficult process, but now, looking back, I realize that that all was part of the process. The beautiful process of bringing life into this world. I have met wonderful, caring people along the way, and heard stories of heartbreak and stories of hope in the process. These experiences in my life are what have made me, me. We will never know why we lost little Zoe, and it may always be a part in my mind, but I will always know that Every life, no matter how short or small, is a beautiful one and a complete blessing.
On February 15, 2009 I took a home pregnancy test, we found out to our delight and surprise that we were expecting! We have three earth children and one angel and we so very excited and nervous about this newest surprise! Our first appointment was at 6 weeks 4 days, we went in and my OB started the ultrasound, we watched with big eyes for that beautiful heartbeat to appear on the screen. There is really not much better in the world than to see that little flicker on the screen(the only thing better is hearing the heartbeat). My OB warned us that our risk of miscarriage is increased until 9 weeks, but that everything looked good. I scheduled an appointment to be right at 9 weeks and went home!
A few days later at 7 weeks 1 day, I started to become very ill, this is normal for me. I always get sick during pregnancy, but this sickness hit much harder. I was having a hard time keeping much of anything down. Five hospital stays later and after a 20lb weight loss, my OB decided that it would be best to go on home health care. That much dehydration was not good for my body and couldn't continue on that way. So, April 2, 2009 a nurse came to my home and placed an IV that would give me continuous fluids for 72 hours. She also trained me to place needles in my legs to continuously have Zofran going into my body to help with the sickness. The needles had to be changed every 6 hours, I had bruises up and down my legs from the constant medication. And, I carried around a pump that was over my shoulder which pushed the medication. I continued to lose weight, we tweaked medications until I ended up with a mixture of Zofran, phenerghan, reglan and benedryl. That combination finally began to work. I was on a special diet where I ate meals every two hours and my calorie intake was much higher than usual. I was feeling ok and began to gain a little bit of weight back, slowly but surely.
During this time I still continued to have routine appointments, every three weeks. My belly continued to grow, we found out at just over 13 weeks that our baby looked like a baby girl, not a hundred percent but he thought so. Our appointments all went well, things keep getting better, I was gaining weight, started to feel ok. Then at about 15 weeks I started having some pain, what felt to me like contractions, I went into the doctor the baby was fine, heart beating away on the screen. They said it was probably fibroid pain and it would probably continue because the baby was pushing up on the fibroid. OK! The next week at 16 weeks, I had my routine appointment. I told everyone that I had a bad feeling about the appointment, something just felt uneasy. I went in, he used the doppler to find the heartbeat and there was nothing. He said to just sit tight for a few minutes and we would do an ultrasound, as I laid there on the ultrasound table I knew that this day would be forever imprinted on my mind. Because, today, May 15, 2009 was NOT going to turn out the way that I wanted it to. He put the wand on my belly and there was our beautiful baby, with no heartbeat. It was heartbreaking, my OB didn't know what to say, I saw him scrambling. Finally I said, there is nothing there?!? He answered "I am so very sorry" My world came crashing down around me...tumbling down. There were a million things going through my mind, I was hysterical. I knew I had to call my husband, but how? How do you call someone who wanted this baby just as badly as you did and tell them that the baby was no more.
That weekend was a long one for me, I came home that evening and got right into cleaning, because what else was I to do. The thoughts of telling my children that there little baby we had been talking about had not survived rang through my mind. Such little innocent children had to find out this terrible thing that can happen. Dave and I sat them down and explained to them that their little baby got sick in Mommy's belly and couldn't fight being sick and so the baby had died. My heart truly sank, to see that look on their faces, and to answer the questions. "Mommy, didn't you love the baby" "Mommy, will I still get to meet the baby" "Mommy, why is your belly so big if the baby didn't live" While those questions, and answers, came hard to me, I had to think of how they felt.
My daughter was graduating from preschool that weekend, and I knew that I couldn't not go to the graduation. While I tried to get ready I sat on the bed crying because I didn't know how to dress. Sounds so silly now, but at the time it was huge. I had this beautiful pregnant belly, with this beautiful little being inside who was no longer alive. But, I went and I survived, that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
That following Tuesday May 19, 2009 I went in to have a D&E. Ironically it was exactly 10 weeks after our first beautiful appointment. This was the hardest day for me, I felt as if I was chosing for Zoe to be taken from me, like I was giving up on her. I was so very grateful to many people during my stay there, they were wonderful. While there we planned on were to send Zoe to be cremated, set up an appointment for Dave to go and talk to the Funeral Home director. The D&E seemed to go off well, I went to recovery 45 minutes after the start of the surgery. While in recovery I was not feeling well at all, dizzy, nauseous and all around crummy. That is when I fainted, they got me up and my BP was bad, really very low. They decided to admit me to monitor me. That evening I fainted again and was in terrible pain. It was found out that the blood was moving back into my uterus and I would need an emergency D&C. I went into surgery and they removed 2 litres of blood from my uterus. Again in recovery I was feeling better, I was given a blood transfusion of two bags and was getting a little bit of energy back. The next evening I was released, again I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I didn't want to leave the hospital, I was leaving my little girl. It was hard, very, very hard.
It has been 3 months since we lost our little girl, since then we have done things that I would have never thought that I would have to do. We have had our little sweet baby cremated, and had to pick up her ashes and bring them home, they are in a beautiful, little purple velvet bag. We have had to plan a memorial service, something small, but we want Zoe's ashes blessed. We named a little girl that we would never see in person, but her name has great meaning and fits her wonderfully. Zoe meaning "life" and Eliana meaning "God has answered" God answered our want to have another child, and blessed us with the short life of little Zoe.
We have grown alot as people, as parents, as a couple. While I would have never wished for this to happen, I was extremely blessed to have had Zoe as our little girl for the brief time that we did. At the time, while going through the pregnancy, I thought it was such a difficult process, but now, looking back, I realize that that all was part of the process. The beautiful process of bringing life into this world. I have met wonderful, caring people along the way, and heard stories of heartbreak and stories of hope in the process. These experiences in my life are what have made me, me. We will never know why we lost little Zoe, and it may always be a part in my mind, but I will always know that Every life, no matter how short or small, is a beautiful one and a complete blessing.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Changes
Changes.....there have been alot of changes over the last three months, it's amazing.
~I have changed as a mother in many ways. I have always been appreciative for what I have. I know I'm beyond blessed, but I know even more so now.
~I have changed as a person, I think that I am more compassionate to others now. I have always tried to be a nice person. I think that if you try hard enough you will always find the good in someone. And, if you try hard enough you will see that everyone is hurting in some way, kindness toward them may help....try and and see what happens. I have met many people through this process who have helped with this change, had I not met them that change may not have been so big.
~I have changed as a wife, I knew that I had a wonderful husband, but I guess I didn't see that he is an amazing spirit, a strong soul and truly my best friend. There is no better choice in the world for me. Our relationship has grown stronger through heart ache, so for that I am thankful. Otherwise, I may have never seen the amount of love that I could give him or that he could give me.
~I am strong. Through this entire process I have thought that I was truly the weakest person alive. I was sad, broken, beaten down, and there was no bringing me back. But, I realized that I am strong, I did and continue to "do" this. And, while doing this, there was alot of other loss in my friends and families lives and I did the best I could to help them. I wouldn't have known I was strong and continued to be strong if it weren't for my friends constantly telling me how strong I was, it took me a while to see it, but I got there.
One thing to leave you all with, because I saw someone comment on it. And, I have been told this myself. When a child is conceived, no matter how long they were here, they are blessing. To the mother, father, brother's and sister's, those babies were and still are huge blessings. Always remember that!
~I have changed as a mother in many ways. I have always been appreciative for what I have. I know I'm beyond blessed, but I know even more so now.
~I have changed as a person, I think that I am more compassionate to others now. I have always tried to be a nice person. I think that if you try hard enough you will always find the good in someone. And, if you try hard enough you will see that everyone is hurting in some way, kindness toward them may help....try and and see what happens. I have met many people through this process who have helped with this change, had I not met them that change may not have been so big.
~I have changed as a wife, I knew that I had a wonderful husband, but I guess I didn't see that he is an amazing spirit, a strong soul and truly my best friend. There is no better choice in the world for me. Our relationship has grown stronger through heart ache, so for that I am thankful. Otherwise, I may have never seen the amount of love that I could give him or that he could give me.
~I am strong. Through this entire process I have thought that I was truly the weakest person alive. I was sad, broken, beaten down, and there was no bringing me back. But, I realized that I am strong, I did and continue to "do" this. And, while doing this, there was alot of other loss in my friends and families lives and I did the best I could to help them. I wouldn't have known I was strong and continued to be strong if it weren't for my friends constantly telling me how strong I was, it took me a while to see it, but I got there.
One thing to leave you all with, because I saw someone comment on it. And, I have been told this myself. When a child is conceived, no matter how long they were here, they are blessing. To the mother, father, brother's and sister's, those babies were and still are huge blessings. Always remember that!
Summer is coming to an end...
I can't believe that summer is almost over, in just two short weeks, my girls are starting school again. That makes me sad, I am not one of those moms who are glad to see their kids go back to school, it chips a little piece away from my heart, actually. But, they love it, so that makes me happy! I wanted to share some pictures with you of our last few weeks of summer. Which included swimming lessons, fun at the park, lots of pool time and of course lots of fun at the beach!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I had a break through...
Please try not to laugh, though I do now about it, so I guess a little snicker is ok, bear with me.....this is what happened a few nights ago.
I completely felt as if I was going crazy, really. I was a raving lunatic(to my husband, but really I was). Everything got to me, if Dave didn't smile when he walked in the door, he of course, didn't love me anymore. I mean, how could he? haha..sort of! So one night after having crying fits throughout the entire day. I told Dave I needed a few minutes. I calmed myself down went and locked myself in my bedroom, armed with a phone and my laptop. I looked up the phone number to Horizon Health, they are the mental health insurance through Dave's company. I picked up the phone and called, I was calm. A sweet southern girl(from Texas actually) she answered.
She asked "How may I help you?"
I replied "I think I need someone to talk to, but I really have no idea where to start"
"Well" she says..."Do you have any children?"
"Yes, I do" I reply
"ok" she says "First, I must ask, do you feel like harming yourself or your children?"
"No!" I reply(that must be good, right, I think to myself!)
"Good" she says"do you feel as if you are in harm because of anyone in your home?"
Again, I reply "No!"
"Ok, well can you tell me what is going on that you feel you need to talk to someone?" she goes on to tell me that she is a licensed therapist and would love to help me in anyway and would point me in the right direction.
This is when I completely break down, I mean snot dripping, red faced, hysterically crying.....BREAK DOWN. I tell her "I lost.....(sniff, sniff) a baby.....(huff, huff) a few weeks ago....(sniff, sniff)
She pauses for a moment(I imagine I caught her off guard, I'm sure when she answered the phone she was NOT expecting me....the crazy lady on the other end) and says "I am so very sorry" "Can I ask what happened"
So, through my tears, my sniffs and my huffs, I explained it to her. The whole thing, the pregnancy, how hard I thought it was, the guilt when it ended, the long recovery, then at the end.....I let out a huge sigh of relief and my crying was over.
The next day I called my OB and told him how I was feeling, I talked to him for over an hour. I told him that I was still sad and was that normal? He told me that my loss, was one of the saddest he had been through as a doctor(with the exception of losing at baby at term, which I completely agreed with), because there truly was nothing wrong, at all, no warning what so ever. And, then he said the magic words, YOU ARE NORMAL!
I am NORMAL, that is what I needed to hear. I needed to talk to the sweet girl from Texas and cry to her and tell her everything. I needed her to understand and to sympathize with me. I needed to talk to my OB, again, so he could tell me that it was ok for me to still be sad, as long as I was getting up on a daily basis and out of the house I was doing well. That is what I needed. And, that day, I JUMPED over a hurdle. I felt better, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Yesterday, Dave told me that he was proud of me, I was doing so well. He saw me again, the real me, not a robot me, or a fake me, to make it seem I was ok. We laughed and I thanked him for being who he is, luckily we haven't had huge struggles with this loss, he has been amazing and he understood it all and held my hand the entire way through.
Please don't think I am making light of any of this, because I'm not, but sometimes you have to add a little laughter to such a heavy process. I am actually feeling better, for that I am really thankful. That does not mean that tomorrow I won't have an off day, or that three months from now I won't be hit so hard that I will cry the entire day. I know that there are hard times to come, Zoe's EDD will be here at some point and that is not going to be an easy day for me, I'm sure. It doesn't mean that I have gotten over every part of it, that I am ready to go back to church and deal with that part of the loss. But, I have a little bit of peace with losing her and I know that she is part of the reason that I am feeling OK right now! Thank you for reading!
I completely felt as if I was going crazy, really. I was a raving lunatic(
She asked "How may I help you?"
I replied "I think I need someone to talk to, but I really have no idea where to start"
"Well" she says..."Do you have any children?"
"Yes, I do" I reply
"ok" she says "First, I must ask, do you feel like harming yourself or your children?"
"No!" I reply(that must be good, right, I think to myself!)
"Good" she says"do you feel as if you are in harm because of anyone in your home?"
Again, I reply "No!"
"Ok, well can you tell me what is going on that you feel you need to talk to someone?" she goes on to tell me that she is a licensed therapist and would love to help me in anyway and would point me in the right direction.
This is when I completely break down, I mean snot dripping, red faced, hysterically crying.....BREAK DOWN. I tell her "I lost.....(sniff, sniff) a baby.....(huff, huff) a few weeks ago....(sniff, sniff)
She pauses for a moment(I imagine I caught her off guard, I'm sure when she answered the phone she was NOT expecting me....the crazy lady on the other end) and says "I am so very sorry" "Can I ask what happened"
So, through my tears, my sniffs and my huffs, I explained it to her. The whole thing, the pregnancy, how hard I thought it was, the guilt when it ended, the long recovery, then at the end.....I let out a huge sigh of relief and my crying was over.
The next day I called my OB and told him how I was feeling, I talked to him for over an hour. I told him that I was still sad and was that normal? He told me that my loss, was one of the saddest he had been through as a doctor(with the exception of losing at baby at term, which I completely agreed with), because there truly was nothing wrong, at all, no warning what so ever. And, then he said the magic words, YOU ARE NORMAL!
I am NORMAL, that is what I needed to hear. I needed to talk to the sweet girl from Texas and cry to her and tell her everything. I needed her to understand and to sympathize with me. I needed to talk to my OB, again, so he could tell me that it was ok for me to still be sad, as long as I was getting up on a daily basis and out of the house I was doing well. That is what I needed. And, that day, I JUMPED over a hurdle. I felt better, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Yesterday, Dave told me that he was proud of me, I was doing so well. He saw me again, the real me, not a robot me, or a fake me, to make it seem I was ok. We laughed and I thanked him for being who he is, luckily we haven't had huge struggles with this loss, he has been amazing and he understood it all and held my hand the entire way through.
Please don't think I am making light of any of this, because I'm not, but sometimes you have to add a little laughter to such a heavy process. I am actually feeling better, for that I am really thankful. That does not mean that tomorrow I won't have an off day, or that three months from now I won't be hit so hard that I will cry the entire day. I know that there are hard times to come, Zoe's EDD will be here at some point and that is not going to be an easy day for me, I'm sure. It doesn't mean that I have gotten over every part of it, that I am ready to go back to church and deal with that part of the loss. But, I have a little bit of peace with losing her and I know that she is part of the reason that I am feeling OK right now! Thank you for reading!
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