Selfish...maybe?

I go back and forth between feeling ok, feeling happy, feeling sad, feeling overwhelmingly sad. One feeling that never changes, no matter what, without fail, I want another baby.... It is a aching feeling that rages through my entire body. I hate that I am not pregnant anymore. I hate that my last chance may have been taken from me. I know it might be selfish....I have three children, healthy children. Some say, I haven't had the same fertility struggles as others. That may be true, but I feel like I have had struggles, different though, maybe.

I know that maybe it hasn't been long and I shouldn't rush things, but I just want Dave to tell me that we can have another baby.....that's all. I know that he needs time, and I don't want to have another baby to replace Zoe, but it is such hard thing to have children at the age of understanding of losing their little sister. I just wish that I could tell them without fail that they will have another sibling.

If you think I am be selfish, by all means, let me know.

Because I don't say it enough

AND...I want the world to know. I love my husband. He is amazing, he is a wonderful husband, a better father and my absolute best friend. I wanted to just post of few pictures of him at his best!

Check this out!!

I am a follower of a blog called brillant blossoms, she makes hair clips, head bands all beautiful handmade pieces. I was the monthly winner and recieved the hair clips yesterday! My girls absolutely love them, they are so adorable and made so well. So, please enjoy these pictures and be sure to check out her blog, they are reasonably priced and you won't see anything like them anywhere else, beautiful!!

A couple of things...

~First I have spoken to my priest and they have agreed to do the memorial service for Zoe. He said that at some point she will need to be buried, and she will......at some point. That may not be for 30 years, but it will happen. Dave and I have to decide if we want to have a full mass or just a smaller service, right now we are leaning towards a smaller service. Hopefully we will have everything planned and the service will be held within the next month or so.

~I have learned, with every ignorant,wait, mind puzzling thing,(I don't want to offend), there is a much brighter better thing waiting to pick you up. I frequent chat boards. Mostly boards about pregnancy loss. I came across one on thebump.com and it was a little shocking to me. So, I of course replied. While some people agreed with me, there was one lady who replied to me and said "And, please, just because some people have had losses and/or hard time conceiving doesn't mean that everyone else has to be 100% excited about everything in pregnancy. That just doesn't make sense. " Holy cow did that get my blood boiling. I may have completely overreacted but my goodness. So, I of course posted on facebook to see what the response would be, it was in my favor(she raises her arms to cheer herself on). So, I will say it had me a little down, because it's hard to believe their is such rudeness in the world, she obviously has never had a loss, I hope that she never knows what it feels like. BUT, with that thing that had me down, I recieved a wonderful email from a very kind and wonderful person, who did something very special for me. It means the world to me. It's people like that, and people like the creators of Say it with flowers, Carly Dudley and the people at NILMDTS, these are the people who let you know that their is alot of good in the world. These are the people I strive to be like.....I hope that somewhere, someway, I am helpful to someone....even if it is just one person.

Say it with Flowers~Rory's garden

Yet another wonderful person doing beautiful things for bereaved parents. This is Zoe's name written on a flower, in Rory's Garden. I think it is absolutely beautiful and am grateful to have found such wonderful ministries that have given me these gifts. If you would like more information about Rory's Garden the link is on the side of my page.

The Secret Garden Meeting~July

This is a blog post to talk about the Secret Garden Meeting, it is a place for families of loss to come together. It is a place to give hope to families and give you a chance to share your story.

Here are the questions for the month of July and my answers.

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

~When I lost my first baby, I didn't have many dreams about him, I thought about him often and always wondered what he looked like, but I always came back to seeing the u/s over and over again.
Now with losing Zoe, I dream of her often, at first my dreams would play those days over and over in my mind. The day of finding out that I lost her, and the days leading up to losing her. After a couple of weeks, I did finally dream of Zoe, I saw her she was around the age of two or three, she was wearing a beautiful white dress and she had curly blondish/brown hair. I called for her to come to Mommy, sadly I have never seen her face. I hope that she comes back to me soon in my dreams and I long for the day that I see her precious little face. I also watch the sun, there are those days when the sun is perfect, the clouds are covering it and the sun is peaking through. You see the rays shining down to the ground, it reminds me of heaven shining down on you. For me, it always happens to come when I most need the warmth of her love.

What did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancies?

~After I lost our first pregnancy, I just remember being overjoyed but scared to death of my newest pregnancy. My first was an early one, I was eight weeks along so I kept telling myself that once I got past that point everything would be perfect with the baby. It was and I welcomed a beautiful little boy. With my pregnancy with Zoe, I lost her much later in the pregnancy, I am not pregnant again......I hope that if I am blessed with another pregnancy that I can enjoy the pregnancy without being scared.

Zoe...in the sand

When I put in the request to have Zoe's name written in the sand I never imagined that it would be as beautiful as it is. It is absolutely breathtaking. When I saw it tears immediately started flowing and chills went down my spine. I have never seen a sunset quite so amazing. I know that I will never be able to repay Carly for the amazing gift that she gives grieving Mothers and Fathers, I hope that she knows what an amazing soul she is and that she is an angel on earth.