So, here is the deal....

I write this, worried that people are reading it that I don't want reading it. I worry that I have "unknown" readers. But, I want the people dear to me to know what is going on. Because I need you all, I need your support, your love and your prayers. We found out three weeks ago today that we are expecting another baby. We were charting to not become pregnant and low and behold here we are with another little one on the way.

The amount of emotions running through me at times, are extremely hard to comprehend. I am excited, I can't believe this happened and happened easily, quickly and without trying. I am scared out of my mind. I don't think that I can bear another devastating blow, like losing Zoe. I am grateful, that I(we) were given this chance again, to be blessed with such a wonderful miracle. I have guilt, because I don't want anyone to think that Zoe's memory is any less to me now that I am expecting another baby. I feel like I am doing her a disservice in a way by being excited about this new baby. But, I am hoping that this baby is a gift from her and from God.

So, the last week has been full of ups and downs, frights and smiles. I went in on Tuesday for my first ultrasound. My OB who is truly a wonderful man had me come in after hours to have the ultrasound and see what we see. He found two sacs, but nothing in the sacs. I, of course, immediately started to cry, because what was I supposed to do now. He sent me for some blood work and told me to call in the morning. My hcg level came back at 9000, wow! So he wanted me to go to a radiologist and get an exstentsive 4D ultrasound with a tech. After two long hours of seeing nothing on the ultrasound, the tech was ready to give up. And, she said...let me try one more thing. She pressed hard on the top part of my belly and there it was, the most beautiful thing you will ever see. A beautiful baby, in a beautiful sac, with a beautiful heartbeat. And, another sac that is still empty. Seeing such a beautiful thing sent me crying the happiest tears. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I am measuring perfectly at six weeks along. After lying there on the table for so long I started to think....maybe there is nothing there. It was a feeling of relief, joy and pure happiness.

So, I waited last night for the call from my OB to read me the results. He told me that there was a beautiful baby, with a beautiful heartbeat. Then he told me that there is blood around the baby. Again, I sank, I'm sure that this is me being scared of every possibility of what can happen. He is going to see me every week and do ultrasounds to watch everything, the blood pocket, the baby, the fibroid and make sure that the growth is what it should be. I am scared and am praying that this works out and that we bring home a beautiful, healthy baby in a few months.

Last night I was feeling sorry for myself. Wishing that I could just have an easy pregnancy, I will take the sickness, terrible sickness. But, I just wish that everything else could be easy. I know that I have three beautiful children and I am beyond grateful for them, but I want this baby so badly as well. And, I would like him here safely and without tons of worry. The reality is that I am blessed to even be in this position. I will take all that comes at me with a smile on my face. I hope that when I have rough moments I will remember that there is a precious miracle inside of me that needs me to stay strong. So, that is what I am going to try to focus on. And, when times get rough for me, I am just going to tell myself to remember to breathe, because that is all that is going to get me through.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We are so looking forward to this baby and to what the next nine months bring. Please pray that everything will go perfectly and that we continue to see that beautiful heartbeat that I saw yesterday. My next appointment is Wednesday the 9th at 3:45pm eastern time. Remember us then.

Thank you all for your support for the last few months and for your continued support, it really means the world to me.