Not much

I haven't blogged much lately, I really don't have anything to say. There are alot of things going on in my mind, I have been wondering what people think about me for continuing to try to have another baby. I hate worrying so much what other people are thinking about me. I keep thinking, I must be a bad person, I must have done something, sometime to someone that is causing me to be going through so much pain lately. I hate thinking that way, but what else might it be, you know. So, I have been getting Daily inspirations from God on Facebook.....sounds silly I know, but I got one today and the other day that really hit home. Here is today's.......

"God doesn't create faulty life. No. Everything created by God is perfect, and so are you. So stop driving yourself mad ...with endless ways to improve, and just accept the glory of your being as is."


Stop driving yourself mad with ways to improve.....this is what I need to remember. I thought, if it isn't that I am a bad person, I must be to heavy to carry a healthy pregnancy to term....yes, my mind is crazy but these are my thoughts. I am not a big girl, but could stand to lose a little. I am 5'4" and weigh 146lbs, I figure if I lose another 10 that would be good. So, when I get there and I possibly get pregnant again, what if I lose that one, will I take it to extreme and need to lose another ten....or volunteer for one more project?

This leads me to my next message from God on facebook, it is laughable right, but right now, I feel like I am grasping at straws and I really do feel like these are signs that I need to follow. This Thursday I have a meeting with an RE...Reproductive Endocrinologist. I am going to see if it is ok to get pregnant again, if they can tell me anything at all. I hit a patch of doubt last week, and almost cancelled the appointment. Here is the other message.....

"Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not a...live. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now."

Dave and I sat down and decided to go, with the hopes that we find out something, even if it is not what we want to hear. No more doubt...at least not enough to make me cancel, because I am going to go. My heart knows what is best.