Tested

Recently I have opened myself up and been telling everyone my story. Not on purpose, but it just happens that way. I had this surgery and when people find out that it was I had, the next question is why? So I share. I guess I have gotten to the point to where I want to share. I feel sick sometimes when I tell someone how many children I have and I leave my other children out, especially Zoe, because I knew her, I felt her, we all thought we were bringing her home. So it is nice(what a shitty word to use in this situation, but I've got nothing else) to share that sometimes.

So yesterday I tell someone and she starts to cry she said she had no idea and she told me how sorry she was. She asked when it happened and so I told her the story about how we found out two day before preschool graduation but I couldn't miss graduation. She started to cry harder, told me I was an amazing mother for making such a sacrifice for my children and then told me about her loss that she had at 6 weeks almost 5 years prior. She was crying and I just stood there, zero emotion coming out of me. I felt everything she was saying and felt for her, I've been there, I knew about all of it but I did nothing. I am embarrassed, I worry that she thinks I didn't care about Zoe, our other babies or her loss and her feelings. I think I was protecting myself, I knew if I started to cry it wouldn't end and I wasn't going to do that to myself...completely selfish, I think. I did tell her I was very sorry for her loss, but not much more.

Since then, I have cried about everything. And, I can't stop. I can't wait for this year to be over,there is a black cloud and while there have been many blessings this year....so many bad things have happened and I am unsure that I can take much more. I pray that next year is better....it has to be,right?