Emotional over load

This week we are here on vacation at Kalahari indoor water park. It is such a fun place, the kids absolutely love it. While they are going up and down the waterslides, I stand at the bottom and watch......this is when I have too much time to think.

Because this is a family park you see alot of expecting Mommy's and alot of brand new Mommy's sweet little babies. So, my mind goes to, , I should have had a sweet little girl in a carrier on my chest, or a big old belly, I should have had a two month old or be 26 weeks pregnant with twins on this trip! Yesterday when we were in the water there was a dark haired little girl going down the slide, her Mom called for her "Zoe, comehere!" Oh boy, Zoe. My eyes started to well up,but I contained myself as best I could. That really hit me hard, I don't hear the name Zoe often and I never realized it but it helps to not see children running around with that name......I know it might sound odd.

To add, my MIL is hear helping with the kids. Mostly to help with my nephews because there are two of them. I remember us sitting around last year after we found out we were expecting and saying "Wow, there will be alot of us next year. An eight yr old, a four yr old, a three yr old, three two yr olds and a brand new baby!" I said I am going to be tired but this is going to be fun. It's hard to remember those things.

So yesterday especially was a hard day, but today I am up with a clearer head and starting out with a smile.

Happy 8th Birthday Sadie

Eight years ago, take away two days, I was on my way to the hospital at 6:00p.m. to be induced with our very first baby! On the way to the hospital Daddy was quite nervous of your arrival and I specifically remember him running over a curb on the way! Her labor was a long one(though not as long as my friend Mandy's recent delivery....you are amazing girl!) 30 hours of hard labor, I was on pitocin and finally at 24 hours I gave in and asked for an epidural. Finally the doctor said time to pus!. During the pushing we were accompanied by Daddy, Dr. G, 2 nurses, both Grandmas, both Papas, 2 Uncles and an Aunt. Never again, I'm not sure what I was thinking, in the moment I guess.





Sadie grew up quickly she got her first tooth at seven months and two at a time every time after that. She never really crawled, on one foot and one knee always, but began walking at 9 months. She was a wonderful baby and such a joy, we were so blessed to have her in our lives. Now it is hard to believe that she is 8 years old. She is an amazing big sister and such a smart little girl. She does amazingly well in school and is reading at almost a sixth grade level and her teacher thinks she will be in honors classes beginning next year.





I look forward to this year and to see the new ways that she grows. Happy Birthday sweet Sadie Lady!

In a butterflies garden

A few months ago, I stumbled across this blog. Rachel is the mother of triplet angels, after she lost her babies she wanted a place to show her grief and a way to help others. This is her way, she raises butterflies and photographs those butterflies for other Mother's of angels. Here is Zoe's butterfly. Thank you Rachel, it is simply beautiful.

Hi

people who don't understand what I am going through and never will... you suck. If you don't want to pretend to understand and act like you get why I am doing what I am doing...DON'T ask about it.

Here was a conversation with my friend.

Friend "so are you planning on trying to get pregnant again?"

me, "yeah,soon I hope, we have to wait another cycle, then probably"

Friend "oh, well, what are you going to do if it happens again?"

Me " It, what do you mean it?"

Friend "you know, what if you lose it again?"

Me "ummm, I will be sad, and then I will wait, and then I will try again?"

Friend "oh, again? How many more times?"

Me "well, I am hoping it will only take one more pregnancy to get a healthy baby here, but right now I don't intend on stopping"

Friend "Oh, I was wondering how long you would do this for"

Uh huh, thanks.

Really, I don't expect anyone to get it, but I would appreciate the support, even if you don't like it, because that is what friends are supposed to do.

A situation for you to ponder....update

This was my blog about a week ago...I would like to add onto this


A recent discussion on a trying after loss board. The ladies there are great and the discussion went well, rather than people saying rude things to one another, we were respectful, the way it should be.

So, the situation. If you lose a pregnancy but already have children, is it easier for you than someone who has no children, more difficult or do you see no difference?

Her thoughts and fears were that she has a very difficult time because she has a fear that she will never get pregnant. If you already have children then you know what that is like, you can't have those fears.

My reply......to see a loss through your children's eyes is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and in a way it didn't allow me to grieve in the way that I needed because I was concerned on how it may hurt them.

So, thoughts?

Here is an add on to that post....

When I posted this, I want everyone to know that my intention was not to say that my experience was worse because I had children. It was more to let people know that all losses are painful and each is different in it's own right. My loss was not any more difficult than yours because I have children, just different because there were other people involved. I have never been in the shoes of losing a baby before having children. I cannot imagine the thoughts that go through ones mind and the pain associated with it.

Every loss is a heartbreaking experience, I feel for anyone who has had to go through it.

UP

Yes, I am talking about the Disney/Pixar movie. Recently....a couple of days ago I sat down with my girls, Xander and Dave to watch this movie.

I was shocked at the first ten minutes. I found it to be terribly sad and sadder even when my 8 year old asked why they were showing a Mom losing her baby. I don't know which bothered me more.....that my small daughter knows that Mom's can lose babies or that a company that is making children's movies put a scene where the Mom lost her baby. Both suck if you ask me.

After the first sucky ten minutes of the movie, there is a good message. But, I'm fairly certain I will never watch it again.

A situation for you to ponder....

A recent discussion on a trying after loss board. The ladies there are great and the discussion went well, rather than people saying rude things to one another, we were respectful, the way it should be.

So, the situation. If you lose a pregnancy but already have children, is it easier for you than someone who has no children, more difficult or do you see no difference?

Her thoughts and fears were that she has a very difficult time because she has a fear that she will never get pregnant. If you already have children then you know what that is like, you can't have those fears.

My reply......to see a loss through your children's eyes is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and in a way it didn't allow me to grieve in the way that I needed because I was concerned on how it may hurt them.

So, thoughts?