wanting to explain.

There was recently some disagreements all due to my facebook status! Who knew that one opinion/vent would cause so much ruckus! So, because I have this problem where I like to please people, I feel the need to explain something.(I want to thank those of you that came to bat for me, and add that I LOVE my husband!)

I am an intelligent(enough) person, I do research upon research before making any final decisions. I am indecisive most of the time, so when I am making a huge, life altering decision, I think, think again, over analyze, and think a couple more times before coming to a final conclusion.

So, saying that, our decision to think about having another child has been thought about over and over. We have talked to several doctors, all who say that it is not dangerous to my health to continue to try to have another child. We have weighed the pros and cons. We know that another loss would be difficult for us to go through emotionally, and we know that there is a possibility that we will lose another. I know the heartache that goes along with it, while it isn't something that I want I can't say that that is going to stop me from fulfilling our hope and more importantly my children's hope for another child.

When we decided to have children, we decided that I would be with them at home. Since that has happened, my husband and my children have most definitely become my life. I enjoy being with them, they are truly everything to me, so I would never risk, their Mommy, my husband's wife, for a dream that could harm me.

When that day comes eventually where we are able to welcome another baby, seeing the look of joy and love on their faces will be the biggest payoff in the world and will make this all worth it. After all it is about them. That is when everyone will understand why I continue to go through this, the look on the precious little faces of my children and the beauty of a newborn baby!

October 15

Infant and pregnancy loss awareness day. Today is a bittersweet day, I am so happy that there is such a day and that it is nationally recognized, that is an amazing thing. It is very sad though, sad because there are so many women struggling on a daily basis with the loss of their child or children. I want to send love to all of the ladies that I have met through this journey. You are all quite amazing women, your strength in difficult times is absolutely amazing to me. You have lifted me up when I thought I couldn't ever get there. Thank you so very much for all of your love and support. I know that losing our babies is the worst thing in the world, but those tragedies have brought us all together. Love you all.

My first blogger award!!! ***blushing***

I've been given a Blogger award titled "Over The Top" by Rachel, thanks Rachel!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part:
1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your hair? Brown
3. Your mother? work
4. Your father? Home
5. Your favorite food? chinese
6. Your dream last night? None
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? sibling
9. What room are you in? Living
10. Your hobby? crafts
11. Your fear? never
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? sane!
15. Muffins? pumpkin
16. Wish list item? sibling
17. Where did you grow up? here
18. Last thing you did? Type
19. What are you wearing? Clothes
20. Your TV? On
21. Your pets? None
22. Friends? online
23. Your life? Kids
24. Your mood? soso
25. Missing someone? badly
26. Vehicle? Van
27. Something you’re not wearing?clip
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? purple
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
32. Your best friend? Dave
33. One place that I go to over and over? Walmart
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Home

I am passing this award on to...

Sarah
Mary
Cassie
Danielle
Shelley

I feel alone

This is kind of all over the place, so please forgive me...

This month is one that I just assume pass by without any concern for it what so ever, except, of course, for Xander's birthday. Zoe's EDD is coming up, I should be bringing home a brand new sweet baby girl, instead I am contemplating going through testing to see if we will be able to have another child or not. I say contemplating because I still cannot make up my mind what to do. I think I will get ok news, but I keep thinking, what if I don't, what if they tell me, sorry, no more kids for you. I have gone into protection mode and keep telling myself, make the decision for yourself, it will hurt less, if you tell yourself no more. But, who am I kidding? It's not going to hurt less, because it's not what I want.

Through this process, I have lost friends, real life friends, who just don't understand and won't ever understand. They all think I just need to "stop this" and move past it. I have "lied(or at least left out truths)" to family, because I don't want the judgment about what I am doing. I have Dave, and he is wonderful, but there is only so much one man can take. I have online friends, and really thank god for you all because I honestly don't know what I would do without you. You are so wonderful, sometimes though it's hard to type something for support while sobbing the entire time. I feel like I NEED to sob on the phone, to actually feel like I am talking to someone.

One of my fears is that people are going to forget Zoe's EDD and that breaks my heart. If I were still pregnant with her, and hadn't had her by her due date, they would be calling constantly to see where she was.

I don't know the purpose of this, I am just scared, scared of what is to come, what will be said. I feel lost and alone. I want people to be ok with my decisions and not think I am being selfish for wanting another baby. I do want to say that some of you have surprised me, the support that I have gotten from some people is absolutely amazing to me and came from people that I least expected it from, so thank you.

Reproductive Endocrinologist update

I had my appointment yesterday with the RE. With great anxiety I arrived and got ready to met my new doctor. I checked in and gave "my story" I went through the whole thing, twice. The doctor is really great, he isn't my OB, no one is my OB, not quite a personable but still really wonderful and seems to genuinely care. The plan of action is for me to get a hysterosonogram, they insert saline into your uterus and do an ultrasound to see abnormal growths in your cavity. After the u/s I will get blood work done to check our genetics, to make sure that everything is well there. To my surprise, it doesn't matter that I have three healthy children, it is basically a crap shoot with genetics. So, Dave already had his blood work done and I will get mine when I go back. I have to wait for my cycle to arrive and then schedule the appointment.

The doctor did seem pretty confident that whatever the problem might be, they will hopefully be able to fix it. That made me feel good, but I am still going to be honest with myself and know that things could turn out the way that I will not be able to have another child. I am hoping, of course, that is not the case. One more thing, when I go back I am going to be put on progesterone and baby aspirin as well.

So, I will let you all know when I go back for the next appointment, thank you for all of your thoughts.

Not me Monday

Not me Monday, head over to McMama's blog and read all about what everyone did NOT do this week.

I did NOT set off my car alarm Saturday night to stop the boy down the street from playing his drum in my driveway. Then, I did not laugh so hard I was crying when he ran back home as fast as he could, no way....NOT me!

I did NOT eat dozen of cookies this weekend just because they were here and I felt like it...nope, NOT me.

And, finally...I did NOT think it was adorable that Xander "accidentally" peed all over the floor instead of in the potty, but then was upset the next time he did it...NOT me.

Not much

I haven't blogged much lately, I really don't have anything to say. There are alot of things going on in my mind, I have been wondering what people think about me for continuing to try to have another baby. I hate worrying so much what other people are thinking about me. I keep thinking, I must be a bad person, I must have done something, sometime to someone that is causing me to be going through so much pain lately. I hate thinking that way, but what else might it be, you know. So, I have been getting Daily inspirations from God on Facebook.....sounds silly I know, but I got one today and the other day that really hit home. Here is today's.......

"God doesn't create faulty life. No. Everything created by God is perfect, and so are you. So stop driving yourself mad ...with endless ways to improve, and just accept the glory of your being as is."


Stop driving yourself mad with ways to improve.....this is what I need to remember. I thought, if it isn't that I am a bad person, I must be to heavy to carry a healthy pregnancy to term....yes, my mind is crazy but these are my thoughts. I am not a big girl, but could stand to lose a little. I am 5'4" and weigh 146lbs, I figure if I lose another 10 that would be good. So, when I get there and I possibly get pregnant again, what if I lose that one, will I take it to extreme and need to lose another ten....or volunteer for one more project?

This leads me to my next message from God on facebook, it is laughable right, but right now, I feel like I am grasping at straws and I really do feel like these are signs that I need to follow. This Thursday I have a meeting with an RE...Reproductive Endocrinologist. I am going to see if it is ok to get pregnant again, if they can tell me anything at all. I hit a patch of doubt last week, and almost cancelled the appointment. Here is the other message.....

"Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not a...live. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now."

Dave and I sat down and decided to go, with the hopes that we find out something, even if it is not what we want to hear. No more doubt...at least not enough to make me cancel, because I am going to go. My heart knows what is best.