May 15, 2009

This day last year is one that I will never forget. I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I had been woken up because I dreamt that I went to my appointment and that Zoe was no longer alive. I remember being panicked, I was hysterically crying. I just had an awful feeling and I knew that she was not ok. I laid down on the bathroom floor and tried to find her heartbeat with the doppler. It, of course, was not there.

I was sobbing and begged God to let her be ok, I kept telling myself that I just wasn't doing something right, or maybe she was moving too much. I knew all of that wasn't true because I hadn't felt her move either, and I should have. I laid there on the floor crying for the next hour, continuing to say "please, God, just let her be ok" over and over. I finally fell back asleep early that morning, around 5 or so, the 16th began a whole other day of heartbreak.