All about Paige

My sweet little Paige had her 5th birthday last week! It's hard to believe that it's been 5 years since we welcomed our dark haired, blue eyed little girl.

I was induced with Paige at 38 weeks after a few weeks of early labor. My labor was not long, about 10 hours, I tried going without an epidural but 15 minutes before pushing, I was asking for one! Once I got it, it was time to go! I pushed for about 20 minutes and our sweet girl had arrived. Her big sister was the first to meet her, what an amazing thing that was to see!

Now, she has graduated preschool and is going into Kindergarten in the fall. She is adorable, kind and so smart. Here are a few photos through the years.

Ouch

that's how I'm feeling right now. A little hurt, a little left out of things, I hate feeling this way. I suppose it's part of life at all times and just something that needs to be dealt with. Maybe I need to lay low for a bit and try to not be upset about things.

Remembering you, sweet girl

I will never, ever forget this day. I wish I could have held you if even for a moment. I know though that I am so blessed to have had you as long as I did. I miss you more than I will ever be able to show. Love you Zoe.

Yesterday

I posted yesterday about being sad because today was the day everything started. I was wrong. Yes, wrong about the day that I found out my little girl no longer had a heartbeat. I found out because I was looking through some old emails/messages and saw the dates.

I am shocked with myself to say the least. I am so disappointed in myself as a person and as a Mother. I am unsure how you forget a thing like that. On May 15th, my appt was at 1:45, at 2:35 I found out that our little girl had passed away. Yesterday I was at a baby shower, that started at 2:30, I was crying at the beginning and needed to leave for a little while, I guess that is the only blessing here, had I remembered that yesterday was the day, I would have never, ever made it through the shower.

I always count the 19th as the day that we lost Zoe because I carried her until that day. But, I am still so upset with myself that I had my days mixed up, I don't know how anyone could do that.

May 15, 2009

This day last year is one that I will never forget. I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I had been woken up because I dreamt that I went to my appointment and that Zoe was no longer alive. I remember being panicked, I was hysterically crying. I just had an awful feeling and I knew that she was not ok. I laid down on the bathroom floor and tried to find her heartbeat with the doppler. It, of course, was not there.

I was sobbing and begged God to let her be ok, I kept telling myself that I just wasn't doing something right, or maybe she was moving too much. I knew all of that wasn't true because I hadn't felt her move either, and I should have. I laid there on the floor crying for the next hour, continuing to say "please, God, just let her be ok" over and over. I finally fell back asleep early that morning, around 5 or so, the 16th began a whole other day of heartbreak.

We've got some cross hairs

I actually have a good feeling about this cycle. I'm not sure why, but I do. It will likely come back to bite me in the butt, but for now I'm just going to soak up the good feeling. Here's my chart!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day, this year especially, is bitter sweet for me. I am extremely blessed with my three wonderful children, who light up everyday of my life. But, I am also aching for the four children whom I never got to meet. This time last year, I was in the middle of a rough pregnancy, a scary pregnancy but I smiled on Mother's Day knowing that there was a little life growing inside of me. I had no idea that just days later she would no longer be there and that I would lose two more babies just months after that.

While I know that I am "one of the lucky ones" who has children, I still struggle everyday with the thought that I will never add another child to our family. Fulfill my children's hope to have another sibling and my husbands hope to have another baby.

Today is heartbreaking for so many, remember all of the Mom's who are not holding their children today because there are many of them, they are sitting next to you in church or walking past you in the store. Give them a smile and brighten their day, understand even if for one second why they feel the way that they do and understand that they too ARE Mother's.

Happy Mother's Day!