A look back at 2009, so many things happened. Not just for me, but for others. It seemed to me as though the year was kind of dumped upside down and couldn't figure out where to go from there. To say that I am glad that 2009 is over and I never want to look back wouldn't be right. Because through all of the sadness I experienced many blessings.
I found out that we were expecting a baby in February, we were so happy, elated. That is a day I will never forget, I will never forget my first appt, where I saw a beautiful heartbeat and cried with joy. Weekly appointments continued to bring wonderful news of a growing and beautiful baby. In April we found out with almost certainty that we were having another little girl, another day I will not forget. My Mom was there with me that day and cried at the fantastic ultrasound.
Sadie and Paige grew in school and did a wonderful job, by the end of the year Sadie was reading at a 5th grade level while she was just in 1st grade. Paige got over her fear of school and really started to love it, she was coming home and talking about friends that she had made. Xander grew in so many ways, he is such a smart and such a loving little boy.
May 16 was the day that we found out Zoe had passed away, such a terrible day, while the day is a blur, I remember every vivid detail as it replays constantly in my mind. Just two days later my Paige graduated from preschool, it was a great distraction and a great joy to watch her get her diploma. May 19th we lost Zoe and things were very scary with my health for weeks, I scared alot of people, but everything turned out well. Just days after that Paige turned 4 years old....a big girl now!
Xander continued to grow throughout the summer and amaze us with the things he learned. He knows his alphabet and can count to 13! Sadie had a great summer as well, her and Paige took swim lessons and got over a huge fear of the water, they learned how to jump off the diving board! They went from being afraid to put their feet in the water to jumping in the deep end.....pretty amazing if you ask me!
In August we found out that we were expecting another baby. We went in for our ultrasound and saw two sacs! How excited, but terrified we were. At an extensive ultrasound we got to see one of the beautiful heartbeats...again another day I will never forget. In September we were hit with sadness again as we found out that we would lose our babies and on my 30th birthday we did.
September the girls started school again, Sadie to second grade and Paige to her second year of preschool. Both loved it right away and made even more new friends. Sadie was now reading at a middle of the fifth grade level and is in the challenge reading and spelling groups. Her teacher fully expects her to be in honors classes beginning next year. Paige now recognizes all of her letters and numbers and can write many of them as well, including her first and last name. Xander can speak in full sentances, jump, run, peddle a bike and dances like I have never seen another little boy dance in my life!!
Looking back on 2009 I know that we had our losses, terrible losses that I will never forget. I will miss Zoe and her siblings every day for the rest of my life. I think of them everyday and wish it hadn't have been. The sadness that we have gone through this year has brought us closer together as a family, for that I am eternally grateful. I have done things that I am really proud of and helped people, that feels really good. I have amazing children and an equally amazing husband who have made this year ok.
So, instead of saying Good Riddens 2009, I will say Good Bye....there are dear memories that I will never forget. Welcome 2010 treat us all well!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I've fallen in love
all over again. This year hasn't been the greatest to say the least. There have been so many trials that we have been put through. Alot of times relationships suffer because there is just too much stress. I am lucky, so lucky, to have Dave as my husband and I have fallen in love all over again.
All along I have known how wonderful he has been, he has stood by my side through this year, and helped me through the hardest times thus far in my life. All with a smile on his face, telling me it was going to be ok. He assured me that we would get through it and that he loved me. I believed it, but I didn't "get it" I guess.
Last night, during Mass, I turned to look at him. He was holding a sleeping Xander, caressing his face with tears in his eyes. Through his tears and some sniffles, he winked at me(his I love you, without using the words) and I winked back. I felt butterflies all over again. He truly is the love of my life and we have made it through so much together because of our love.
So, I thank him him for being so amazing and for loving me and our children with everything he has. I hope that every year(at least) I can fall in love all over again, like I did yesterday.
All along I have known how wonderful he has been, he has stood by my side through this year, and helped me through the hardest times thus far in my life. All with a smile on his face, telling me it was going to be ok. He assured me that we would get through it and that he loved me. I believed it, but I didn't "get it" I guess.
Last night, during Mass, I turned to look at him. He was holding a sleeping Xander, caressing his face with tears in his eyes. Through his tears and some sniffles, he winked at me(his I love you, without using the words) and I winked back. I felt butterflies all over again. He truly is the love of my life and we have made it through so much together because of our love.
So, I thank him him for being so amazing and for loving me and our children with everything he has. I hope that every year(at least) I can fall in love all over again, like I did yesterday.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Memorial Mass
A couple of months ago I attended a Mass at a local parish for women who have suffered losses, pregnancy loss, still birth, infant loss. I knew when I lost Zoe, then lost our twins 3 months later that I needed to give myself a reason for this happening to us. My reason, was that I needed to help other people. So, my mission began. I called my priest and the staff at church and told them that I wanted to start a support group and have a Memorial Mass for families who had suffered losses.
Tonight was that mass. Now, of course for 12 hours before the Mass we had a terrible snow storm, the snow would just not stop falling....so far we have 8 inches and it seems to keep falling. There were only about 15-20 people in attendance, but it was beautiful. There were stories shared, there were tears and there were smiles too! At the end of the Mass, after many tears were shed on my and Dave's part, I was talking with another couple. The man and his wife lost three pregnancies over 20 years ago. He was telling me how he had been struggling lately, when he went to Mass on Christmas Eve and read about this Memorial Mass in the church bulletin. He told me that he has been so sad and had prayed for something or someone to help. He told me that I was an angel and I was his God send. I thanked him for being so kind and told him how sorry I was for his and his wife's losses. After the Mass, I realized that my part has begun, I did what I set out to do......I helped. It was only one person, maybe........... But I helped.
Tonight was that mass. Now, of course for 12 hours before the Mass we had a terrible snow storm, the snow would just not stop falling....so far we have 8 inches and it seems to keep falling. There were only about 15-20 people in attendance, but it was beautiful. There were stories shared, there were tears and there were smiles too! At the end of the Mass, after many tears were shed on my and Dave's part, I was talking with another couple. The man and his wife lost three pregnancies over 20 years ago. He was telling me how he had been struggling lately, when he went to Mass on Christmas Eve and read about this Memorial Mass in the church bulletin. He told me that he has been so sad and had prayed for something or someone to help. He told me that I was an angel and I was his God send. I thanked him for being so kind and told him how sorry I was for his and his wife's losses. After the Mass, I realized that my part has begun, I did what I set out to do......I helped. It was only one person, maybe........... But I helped.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Merry Christmas and Sleep
Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas that was filled with love, joy and family.
Sleep. It's really a thing of the past for me. After I lost Zoe, I had a terrible time sleeping, I went for weeks suffering through it all. I was lucky if I was getting two hours a night. I finally caved, realized I couldn't do it on my own and called my OB. After 3 different prescriptions and a little tweeking to the third, we finally found something that worked. I took it for a few weeks and then found I was expecting again. I had to stop taking them then. I was doing ok and sleeping well until a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if it is because of Christmas, because of a Mass for families who have lost babies, that I am planning, that is in a few days or that this year is coming to an end, like an end to a chapter.
So, I had to start taking my sleeping pills(with an anti depressant) again. I am disappointed in myself to say the least. Shouldn't I be able to do this on my own by now? Should I get so upset so easily that it interrupts and upsets my sleeping patterns and my everyday life? When it is beyond the loss and something else that needs to be taken care of? I guess I will know soon what it is that is causing me not to sleep.
Sleep. It's really a thing of the past for me. After I lost Zoe, I had a terrible time sleeping, I went for weeks suffering through it all. I was lucky if I was getting two hours a night. I finally caved, realized I couldn't do it on my own and called my OB. After 3 different prescriptions and a little tweeking to the third, we finally found something that worked. I took it for a few weeks and then found I was expecting again. I had to stop taking them then. I was doing ok and sleeping well until a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if it is because of Christmas, because of a Mass for families who have lost babies, that I am planning, that is in a few days or that this year is coming to an end, like an end to a chapter.
So, I had to start taking my sleeping pills(with an anti depressant) again. I am disappointed in myself to say the least. Shouldn't I be able to do this on my own by now? Should I get so upset so easily that it interrupts and upsets my sleeping patterns and my everyday life? When it is beyond the loss and something else that needs to be taken care of? I guess I will know soon what it is that is causing me not to sleep.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Back to that place
I am a jaded person lately and I hate it. I feel like a bad person, a bad, grumpy person. I keep reading things on facebook and other places about pregnancy. The most recent someone posted about a friend being told by an ER doc that she was going to miscarry(thankfully ER doc was an idiot and baby is perfectly fine). The friend couldn't understand it, no bleeding, no cramping, how could that happen? Umm..it happens all the time. It happened to me when I lost Zoe and then again when I lost the twins. I had spot twice, then nothing.....that is when I lost them. I think people need to realize there is no rhyme or reason.
I wish I could go back to that feeling of loving pregnancy and thinking it will all be ok. Instead I know now that there is no safe point. Last night I talked to this with Dave, I want another baby, but will live in fear for 9 months that something is going to happen.
I wish I could go back to that place of being un afraid.
I wish I could go back to that feeling of loving pregnancy and thinking it will all be ok. Instead I know now that there is no safe point. Last night I talked to this with Dave, I want another baby, but will live in fear for 9 months that something is going to happen.
I wish I could go back to that place of being un afraid.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Surgical follow up
I had my surgical follow up appt this week. Everything seems to be healing well,I am still on restrictions, no lifting, no bending over.....no fun! These are all quite difficult, especially the fun part but I will continue to follow instructions!
I asked about the pain that I was having and here is the reason for it. Though my external incision is horizontal, similar to a csection cut, the internal incision is horizontal and goes from my belly button to my pubic bone. That explains it all.
So trying again, we are allowed to start trying again after two cycles,that could happen regularly or it could take a little longer. I have been put on progesterone and baby aspirin. If I get a BFP I will get in right away for hcg levels to be drawn, every 2 days. Then I will have an early ultrasound and will be seen every one to two weeks until 13 weeks with the RE. Then I will be released to my OB where I will continue to be seen every week or two until 20 weeks, then hopefully I will got to every two to three weeks for a little while. I will need a c-section because the cut is so large there is a high chance for uterine rupture if I labor.
One thing that he was unsure of, he planned on doing an hsg during the surgery but the injector wasn't working properly, so the dye wasn't going into my tubes. He is unsure if my tubes are blocked or not because he couldn't see well enough. Since I had become pregnant this year he thinks they are ok, if I don't get pregnant within 3 months they will do an HSG. I hope I don't have to do that.
I'm not sure if we will try again in two cycles or not, right now we are planning on trying, I just don't know when. I realized after the surgery went well that I am scared to death to do this again. I'm not sure that I can handle losing another baby, I'm trying not to be pessimistic,but let's face it, my body has really sucked for the last few years.
So I will keep everyone updated on everything....thanks for caring.
I asked about the pain that I was having and here is the reason for it. Though my external incision is horizontal, similar to a csection cut, the internal incision is horizontal and goes from my belly button to my pubic bone. That explains it all.
So trying again, we are allowed to start trying again after two cycles,that could happen regularly or it could take a little longer. I have been put on progesterone and baby aspirin. If I get a BFP I will get in right away for hcg levels to be drawn, every 2 days. Then I will have an early ultrasound and will be seen every one to two weeks until 13 weeks with the RE. Then I will be released to my OB where I will continue to be seen every week or two until 20 weeks, then hopefully I will got to every two to three weeks for a little while. I will need a c-section because the cut is so large there is a high chance for uterine rupture if I labor.
One thing that he was unsure of, he planned on doing an hsg during the surgery but the injector wasn't working properly, so the dye wasn't going into my tubes. He is unsure if my tubes are blocked or not because he couldn't see well enough. Since I had become pregnant this year he thinks they are ok, if I don't get pregnant within 3 months they will do an HSG. I hope I don't have to do that.
I'm not sure if we will try again in two cycles or not, right now we are planning on trying, I just don't know when. I realized after the surgery went well that I am scared to death to do this again. I'm not sure that I can handle losing another baby, I'm trying not to be pessimistic,but let's face it, my body has really sucked for the last few years.
So I will keep everyone updated on everything....thanks for caring.
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